... Unspoken Words....

Chapter 6- The painful fight ..

Hailey wakes up that morning , looking at the clock on her bedside table : 5:30  am and then she looks on the other side of the bad and it is empty ....again !!
She thought the conversation would've helped , but it's a long process she thinks ....
He said he's not going anywhere , but he needs time ....i am gonna give him time ...
She rolls out of bed , takes a coffe and gets ready for this new day .
Maybe today is gonna be better ....maybe he's gonna talk to me .... he's definitely gonna talk to me...
Deep down Hailey has this strange feeling in her stomach , telling her this day was gonna be the most painful of their relationship....and ....she was right !!
When she arrives at the district Jay is at his desk , looking at the computer z maybe doing some paperwork and he barely looks up to say a little "Hey".
H: You left early ....
J: Yeah ...i, yeeah...paperwork!!
H: Right , paperwork...
This is the best he got , except that this is not the best at all.....this is a nightmare...
Hailey feels alone , sad and some tears start to make their way to fall, but Voight entering the bullpen stops them .
V: Morning...
J H: Morning ...
The tension is so high that you could cut it with a knife and Hailey feels the immediate need to leave for a minute ...
H: I'll go grab a coffee...Someone wants  one?
V: I just had one...
J: No, i'm good....
She turns around and go to the break room and take this moment to breathe and she realises she was holding her breath all this time ...
In that moment a blind rage takes over , this couldn't be her life now .... walking on eggshells, scared of what to say, what to do, holding her breaths.
This needs to be fixed ....today ...
Tonight i am gonna talk to Jay , for real ...
We need to solve this one way or another ...
The thought that talking could mean the end for them made her stomach flips in disgusting ....She can't loose him ...She was gonna fight, for them , for him , for that life together that she's sure deep down he still wants too!
She goes to her desk and looks at him
H: Hey ...
J: Hey ... what's up?
What's up? We need to talk asshole ...
Breathe Hailey....you just need to breathe ...
H: Do you think you can be home on a normal time tonight ?
He looks surprised, but still calm , as always...
J: I...yeah ....okay ...
Okay ...okay ? Really ? Oh God ....you're lucky i love you....
H: Good...
Then she just sits at her desk waiting for the hours to pass....
She is angry and she knows this is not a good start for a conversation , but she can't help herself. His being so calm makes her loose her control...
The day goes by and it was 7:30 pm when Voight sends them home ...
H: So i'll see you home ? I can take something for dinner ...
J: You go home...i take care of the dinner ...
Cold , calm, collected ...
I just want to slap you right now ....
Breathe Hailey breathe...
H: Okay ....
J: Okay ...
She gets in the car and when she arrives home she quickly changes into more comfortable clothes ...sweatpants and a t-shirt, his t-shirt...She needs to feel him , close to her , because he's been not touching her ...for weeks now ....
She's lost in her thoughts when he steps in , but in a second she's back to reality , the hell she's been dragging them into....
J: I stopped at Bartoli's ...is that okay ?
Ahhhh...Jesus ... always knowing what i wanna eat ....
Breathe Hailey , breathe...
H: Yeah , it's good...
J: Good so....where do you wanna eat ? Here or?
H: I was thinking on the couch , on the coffee table, so we're more comfortable....is that okay ?
What is this ? I am back in high school... is that okay ? Crap...
J: Yeah...
H: Just go change i'll set everything..
J: Okay....
He's back in 5 minutes and he sits next to her on the couch ...well not next to her ...he takes care to put the more distance he can ....
He needs time ....he needs space too...
They ate for some minutes in silence , a thing that happens between them but ...this is not a comfort silence ....this is hell!!
Hailey takes a deep breathe and decides that it's time ...
H: Do you think we can talk ?
J: Can we ?
What ? Is that this now ?...
H: Wow....okay ....i think we can ....so what do you think Jay ? Can we?
J: Yeah Hailey i think we can ...
H: Good ...What do you see when you look at me ?
Wow Hailey....you started with the bomb eh?
Yeah yeah .....we need this ....
J: Excuse me ?
H: Yeah ....tell me ...please ....what do you see when you look at me? A liar , a bitch, someone you wanna be away from .....come on Jay .... because this time i can't read your mind and honestly i am sick of doing It....
Maybe too much....what the hell nooo this is what we need....
J: This is not talking ...this is fighting...
H: So what ? Let's fight ...please Jay ...
J: I am not doing this ....
H: WE.... We are doing this right now ....we tried your way... it's not working , we try my way now ...
J: Fighting is your way ?
He lets out a desperate smile ...
H: I NEED TO KNOW....WHAT YOU SEE WHEN YOU LOOK AT ME?
She's pushing him to the limit and that's exactly what she wants ...
J: I DON'T KNOW... OKAY... YOU'RE HAPPY NOW...DAMMIT ...
She was not expecting this, but it's okay , it's a start ....
J: And i hate myself for thinking this , i hate the fact that maybe ....
H: maybe what ? What Jay ?
J: That maybe it's true ...maybe i don't know you ....
H: Okay ....
J: Hailey ...
H: Don't .... it's okay i asked ....
He starts to walk back and forth and rubbing the back of his neck ....he is nervous...
H: Go on ....say what you wanna say ...this is not over ....
J: Hailey ....
H: Come on Jay ....spill it out ....
J: What do you want from me ? What Hailey....
H: I WANT YOU TO YELL AT ME , BE MAD AT ME , HATE ME ...I WANT YOU TO SAY THE MOST TERRIBLE THINGS TO ME....YOU NEED THIS...WE NEED THIS ....
J: Is that what you want ? Yeah ?
He pauses and looks at her and in a second his eyes change , become dark...
That's it Hailey....the punch is coming...be ready ...
J: WHY? WHY YOU DID THIS TO ME ? TO ME? WHY YOU HAD TO LIE....SHARE A SECRET WITH VOIGHT?
GO ON JAY .... PUNCH ME AGAIN ...I DESERVE THIS...
J: WHY YOU HAD TO FOLLOW HIM?
WHY ? I....I CAN'T UNDERSTAND...
He's on the edge rigth now ....all the repressed feelings, repressed words , he needs this , they need this and so she doesn't say anything ....
J: YOU KILLED A MAN HAILEY....YOU FUCKING KILLED A MAN OFF THE BOOK, WHILE I WAS RIPPING THE HELL OUT OF MYSELF TO FOLLOW THAT DAMN BOOK.....
He takes a pause , he needs to breathe...
J: BUT YOU WANTED TO BE LIKE HIM, YOU WANTED TO DO WHAT HE DOES.... BUT YOU'RE NOT HIM .....DID YOU EAR ME ? YOU ARE NOT HIM .....BUT....I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE RIGHT NOW....
BOOM .... THE FINAL PUNCH....YOU DESERVED THIS HAILEY....
J: AND YOU CAME HOME AND YOU PROPOSED TO ME AND.....JESUS ....I LOVE YOU SO MUCH THAT I THOUGHT , SHE'S SCARED BUT SHE WANTS ME ....BUT...IS THAT TRUE? YOU WANT ME ? DO YOU ?
He looks at her for the first time after all this ... she has tears in her eyes ...
H: Jay .... that's what is this about ? If i really want you ? ....you're the only one that i want ....
He is mad .... she can't see that ...
J: SO WHY ? WHY YOU DID THIS TO ME? WHY I WASN'T ENOUGH TO BE TRUSTED? TO BE TOLD THE TRUTH?
WHY YOU DIDN'T COME TO ME ? TO ME?....
He breaks down ....all is out now and this is hard and painful , but that's what they need.....they need to destroy and rebuild....
H: Jay ....i am sorry....
J: I know .... It's just.....why Hailey....why ?
H: I....i don't know....
They kept standing there for a while in a silence that starts to feel comfortable again.... until Hailey flebly asks ...
H: Where do we go from now ?...
J: I don't know.....
They need to destroy and rebuild....
They destroyed .... it's time to rebuild now ...