I lean on to sara, we are walking to the red car where mom is waiting.
"how are you, mi amor?"
"I'm fine mom, I just want to go home"
when I walk in to my room I see ayub and rosh sitting on my bed, they ask how I am and what I want to do.
"I was just going to go to sleep" I say as I sit down next to ayub on the bed.
they look at eachother, I know they can see that something is wrong but they know that I will talk to them when I'm ready so they ask don't push me and if I want to watch a movie instead.
I couldn't really fokus on the film, all I could think about was those three words. I felt like wille grabbed my heart out of my chest and took it with him to the palace. all I want is for him to be here right now, don't get me wrong ayub and rosh are my best friends but they're not wille. do wille feel the same? how is he doing, all alone at the palace?
"simme are you coming?"
rosh and ayub are looking at me all confused, I have no idea where my mind went and I don't have a clue about where they're going. I get up and follow them, the smell hit me as soon as a step out of the door...mom's food. we sit by the tv and eat while watching some movie sara picked. we talk about christmas and new years but I'm zooming out the whole time.
rosh and ayub left after the movie and I got myself ready for bed. I am tired but I can't sleep, my mind is drifting away to places, places with wille. I take out my phone and go on instagram, more specifically to willes profile, I look at the pictures until a fall asleep while hugging my pillow.
I wake up to sara storming in to my room
"merry christmas simme!!" she walk out again and I hear how she does the same to mom.
shit it's christmas eve already. I make my way out to the living room, we eat breakfast while we play boardgames. it has become a tradition that rosh and ayub celebrate christmas at our house so I just clean my room and start to get ready until they arrive even though they've seen my room messier then this. I still have that empty feeling in my chest, this is supposed to be a happy day, I get to spend the day with the people I love the most, but one is missing. is he missing me? I know that wille can't have any contact with me, I don't want him to get in trouble if I text him even if it's just "marry christmas". and I don't even have his number anymore so I can't make the mistake of letting my emotions control me.
a few weeks ago, when things were good between us I bought him a christmas gift, a black beret. he would look so cute in it, but i can't give it to him. firstly how the hell would I be able so send or give it to him? the mail will most likely be controlled by the queen and everyone at the castle know who I am and would never let me in. I also don't want to stress wille, I told him to take the time he needed. but he did say that he love me, was he serious? I can't give it to him anyway, the perfectly wrapped gift with dark blue wrapping and gold string will stay in my closet til either a. wille and I become a couple or b. til I find a new guy that would look cute in a beret. but I don't think plan b will ever happen.
ayub and rosh knock on the door at 13,00, mom is just done with the christmas food so we sit down by the tv and eat. we watch kalle ankas jul* and then it's time for christmas gifts, I gave mom a new apron and sara a sweater to have in the horse barn. mom got sara a pair of riding pants and me a new pair of shoes. ayub and rosh got me a bjärstad football shirt to wear at roshs games, ayub had also gotten one and I gave them each a leather bracelet. it was a cozy christmas, I had a really good time, we watched movies and ate chocolate all evening before ayub and rosh went home.
"simme I know you are not feeling well, I can see it but I was wondering if you wanted to hang out with me and felice tomorrow? we're going to felices house, it might be good for you to get out of the house.." sara looked at me questioning.
"sure, that sounds good, what time?"
sara stayed in my room and we talked for a while before we both went to bed. I can't fall asleep, a stare at the gift in my closet, it needs a note and I need to get out all my emotions. I start writing:
"to wille
I know I told you to take the time you need and I still want you to figure everything out with yourself before we become a thing, if we ever will become anything. I'm tired of having to put your needs before my own. I'm tired of having to sneak around, I want to be with you. you fill the hole in my heart when I'm with you, and make it bigger when I'm without you. when I think of my future all I see is you, our future. I don't want to be your secret, I want you to be proud to be with me like I am to be with you. your hugs make me feel safe, your kisses make me feel wanted and holding your hand make me feel lucky, I had you, I let you go, you let me go. you have to show that you are willing to fight for us, not just for the royal palace. I understand that this is fucking difficult for you in your situation. I understand that it is a big step to come out. what I don't understand is how you can chose a title over your true self"
kalle ankas jul is like a swedish tradition like everyone in Sweden watch it on christmas eve at 15,00 it's like a bunch of clips of disney characters, the same every year but it's a really special tradition lol directly translated it's donald ducks christmas do with that information what you will
YOU ARE READING
you're brave - wilmon
Fanfiction"baby I'm fine, nothing to worry about" he tuck my hair behind my ear and look in to my eyes as a tear fall from his. I kiss the tear away from his cheek. "I've lost you once and I don't ever want to be apart from you ever again" he nuzzle his face...
