charons order

nothing appetises me.

i have always despised the banquets held by our family, placed upon each seat like little porcelain figurines in extravagant dresses of each perfect, softened shade, all leading up to that piercing gaze at the front of it all. everything must be pristine, everything must be exact, everything must be in order. do not speak, dont start eating until he does, dont interfere at all. as each wandering mumble of unfamiliar households i couldnt even grasp the names of, having dissipated into a singular haze with the bitter tastes i indulged in, even less now with sudden drunkenness at such an appalling time, leaving deep scratches along my brain until the room becomes nothing but fuzz and utter cacophony. my stomach turned.

regardless of how the situation manipulated me, forcing me between darker and darker ideas of how i may end this event with hints of desperation sewn between the lines, i still must eat something, yet the expensive food doesnt bother me all that much anymore. having so many options yet everything repulses me by now, tastes ruined and decapitated, having been overwhelmed to a state of an absolute hell: he cared so much about his presentation that nothing felt good anymore. nothing felt pleasing to the eye or organs, his efforts proving to be completely futile after all. id only aimlessly moved the spoon in hand in circles for the last few minutes, eyes fixated at the small ripples in the filth provided: something that was associated with the crimson he'd torn out of me so many times, liquified verbal nonsense if anything, would never be edible.

by this point, i merely longed to make a scene, throw something, glare up at the over dressed guest giving strange looks towards me from the other table, pull out the drink i'd been scolded for, slam my head against the table. anything, as long as it wasnt that agonising silence that persisted and persisted no matter what mistake anyone made, not even harsh beatings allowing for a head turn. it had come that far, it seemed.
here we were again.

drink.
and there were eyes. so many eyes, i could count the gradients in each pearl and how irises glanced back and forth between perpetrators and hosts. why must i even care by this point, only recklessness remains in this form, staining that dress that only caused by discomfort just a little.

and there was a light that gathered behind my shoulder, too sickening to even stare at, instead giving the wall more affections for its artistic choices. more deserving of my attention. more interesting. more peaceful than the glowing beast that raised a hand, wishing to strike one across the face just like usual, expected and calculated as it always has been. i can guess it every time, the same place, the same stinging mark buzzing on the spot for hours. therefore, as a result, i could easily lift an arm in time, just as perfect as he assumed his attempt would be, gripping the brittle, quivering bones above. having been fuelled by so much arrogance, not a single thought into a second choice had gone into play, thoughts clouded by despair. how pathetic of father to embarrass himself here. i didnt even budge. well. for a minute. that green glow slipping from my vision, blinking and missing the hue, was stolen from me, used to knock the river of blood out of my head once again, extra lethal decoration for my headpiece that would make one stand out in any crowd. the food was even worse now.

why must everything be so dull. nobody within this room ever changes, not a single word of defiance or a hasty sense of protest managing to escape the lips of my siblings, bludgeoned for the last uncountable time. perhaps everybody had grown used to this occurrence by now, though the newer guests seemed to chatter and whisper amongst themselves in disappointed tones, as if to expect more by now from this charming household. besides, everybody knows how wonderful we are, arent we father?

he tells everyone about the perfection. he tells everyone about the pristine nature. he gathers this wide audience, a brightened curtain vieling the scene i have portrayed for you all as the absolute. it is forbidden. everything has always been so good around here and i have always been the happiest soul in this room, the sunshine gathering on my face, showcased by a warming glow in princess pink and sunflower yellow, any young girls dream, what a spectacular seen to feast your eyes upon. id prefer it if you feasted on this body instead, destroying of any matter and memories already.

whatever, ill find a way soon perhaps, he just refuses to learn, as does everybody else. divine intervention is crucial and i shall be the one to accept it in my bruised and withered hands.

:)