charons order

i met god.

oh how the walls were colliding, the blinding sky collapsed in on itself only to form a curtain of perfect onyx, dripping down each individual part of my bare skin, a hasty search for contact to recognise friend or foe. the air clung to me, too cold to refrain from profusely complaining yet too warm to avoid keeling over, both examples expressed too heavily to run away from. i may have wished to explore further yet the ground felt too appealing to ignore, paying peacefully yet disturbed for just a minute. everything stung.

i needed relief.

expressedly eighteen and eighty within one, feeling each drop of liquor finally settle inside this small body of mine, the sensation slicing at me sharply, precise and unending, leaving me to crumble. isolation from the murmurs of blood and luxury had finally ensued, the only issue becoming apparent: i'd been constrained completely. no movement, no words, no struggles. all that may have been chosen was to kneel there. each extremity of my body ached, whether that be from the aftermath of consumption or the intense desperation gnawing at my very flesh hardly even mattered anymore, it was unlikely such a contaminated brain as mine would even give a damn.

yet despite this display of weakness, a deer in the headlights, they still loved me. why me out of all people, i questioned time and time again with no success, only keeping that same tinted glare as some form of gift. something restrained me from pursuing this curiosity buried deep within, an inner conflict, war as we speak, temporarily blocking all monologues i may have came up with. there was no point, no point at all. an attempt to call out the lords name was only drowned out amidst the darkness, the reverb only indicating it'd all come back to myself. by this point, i hardly recalled where i was. i hardly recalled why i even bothered. perhaps a singular motion, sleek tracing across the bones in my face, a kiss of unrequited memories soothing me, shall bring back something, anything. please.

'ive recognised your interest'
there was a foul choking noise that kept me from answering, nonsense lodged within my throat refusing to escape.

'i wanted to understand you.'
despite the words being on the edge of slipping into the miraculous, there was a slight hint of fear of what may come of it. the lack of replies persisted.

'this was upon your own accord, correct.'
i may have only nodded, voice stripped of me from the heavy fog and clouded thoughts provided once entering here, ready to implode from humiliation and disintegrate into sheer nothingness to avoid this interaction, as much as i wanted it.

'so therefore the desire is mutual.'
desire was a strong word, though it was clear i was unable to protest regardless, no statement managing to escape just yet. whether it be from pity or the complete self absorption they contained, they only gave me what seemed to be a small smile for a token of my effort.
all previous ideas of breathing and pure white innocence were plucked petal by petal from me, each time their tendrils taking as much time and care as humanly possible, admitting to the pressures and thickness of the air around us internally. trying was pointless for i wasnt bothered by this, allowing to be consumed by the dusk, small whisps looming around the area, only dissipating within seconds if i didnt focus well enough, attempting to pick out specific colours was impossible at the vigour of my situation. too severe to switch the subject, each particle drained instantly.

as i had wanted. the two of us together.
wasnt it always something i had begged for to become one, to experience that same power they had showcased a plethora of times, confidence and prowess even amongst kings, seeking to only assert dominance over the ocean of unfamiliar faces they latched onto. i wanted that, having been stricken with opposing forces from birth, each fragment of luck thrown away before i was able to collect them, such divine pieces now elsewhere, leaving me to search aimlessly for years with only failure under my belt. they have something i want, i have something they want.

its only natural.
<3