I'll Be Good, I Will (Brahms Heelshire × Reader)

16

First Person P.O.V - (Y/N)

-Was the cold always this painful? The snow wrapped around my legs in a tight snug hug as I stood in the middle of the forest. My body was wrapped in everything cozy, ranging from my jacket, gloves, snow boots and Brahms' signature woolly scarf he adores having wrapped around his neck. Yet, regardless of what I was wearing, it was freezing. But my eyes were looking for something, anything.
-"What are you looking for?" I turn around and I spot Sarah, her fourteen year old face was covered in little freckles and her baby blue eyes were so filled with hope.
-"I'm looking for you." I keep searching regardless of having seen her, my eyes still scanning the trees. "I can't find you anywhere."
-"I don't think you'll be able to." She effortlessly moved through the piles of snow that I couldn't lift my feet from. "You remember when we used to play hide and seek outside my uncle's house? This looks like the same forest he had."
-"Yeah, I do." I can see my breath in the air, and my eyes were beginning to water. "Sarah, what if I never find you?"
-"Well, then you'll just have to keep moving."
-"But I can't move."
-"C'mon." She steps in front of me, her fifteen year old face covered in those freckles I used to count, shadows under her baby blue eyes. She was always very pretty. "Take my hands (Y/N)."
-I do exactly that, and my feet drag out of the stone like snow like it was nothing but fog. Then she has only one of my hands, pulling me right along with her through the trees. I couldn't feel my legs, as we went from the pile I was previously in, and into the next. It was growing taller in height, but I was pulled through its being like it was nothing, mist that numbed my body the same way painkillers numb agony. When it got to my neck, it felt like I was choking on wind, and then, I walk out of it.
-Sarah and I are standing at the cemetery. "There I am." She points at a little sign on the ground, no effort put into a tombstone for her.
"Are you sure?" I ask, and she looks back at me.
-Her skin is as pale as ever, freckles fading away and her baby blue eyes are glossy and sightless. Yet, regardless of her corpse like state, all I can see is her. The smile she had previously fades away though, and she's frowning at me.
-"I hurt you bad, didn't I?" She asks me, and I nod.
-"You ruined a lot of things for me." Then she looks down. There's nothing bit serene silence between us as I think it through. "But.. Those people betrayed me anyways, right?... They were never on my side. I've met someone who is because of what you did. I'm.. Happier."
-"Are you not happiest though?"
-"I think I can be with time."
-Sarah nods. "...You killed Henderson."
-"I did."
-"Do you feel bad for it?"
-My mouth parts open, my hand reaching up and grabbing at the scarf around my neck. "..No."
-"Good." Sarah lets go of my hand, and she walks over to her little grave, sitting down on top of it the same way she always sat. "Sit with me."
-And I do, sitting down next to her and looking off in the distance. There's a wall of misty coldness slowly inching its way over. I feel my heart swell in my chest.
"..I miss you." I mutter. "Even after everything that happened, and everything that you did to me, I miss you."
-"It's because you're my best friend, (Y/N). You know I wouldn't have done any of those things if I wasn't taking those drugs. That wasn't me."
-"I could've helped you stop taking them.." I wrap my arms around my body as I feel myself getting colder. "I could've done anything at all, and I just.. I didn't know what to do, Sarah."
-"It's okay."
-"No, no it's not.."
-"It is. What were you going to do? Let me beat you up for trying to help me? You got enough self-respect to know I wasn't worth the time at that point." Sarah knocked her fist into my shoulder lightly, and I don't dare look at her. "Whatever happened was nothing you did.. Whatever happens next though, I'm beside you, got it?"
-"..Got it." Silence, nothing but a billowing breeze that bites my cheeks and whistles in my ears accompanies me. The mist is coming closer. "..Sarah, do you think I can trust Brahms?"
-I asked this as I turned to her; but she was gone. The dirt I was sitting on was fresh, and her little gravestone was nothing but a rotting away tree. I can't help the tears coming out of my eyes now, even as they freeze to my face. I bring my hands up and cup my eyes, feeling my cheeks and everything around turn rock hard. I'm standing up now, trying to find shelter from the blizzard, but as soon as my gloved hands leave my face I'm met with the front door of the Heelshire house. I push through, and I find the entire place is covered in snow, like every window was busted open. Then I turn to my right and spot the mirror on the wall, and attached to my face was an impossible to remove mask. I grimace beneath it, and suddenly I can't breathe. I'm suffocating in it, and the tears accumulated behind it slowly thicken the mask and then, dries the saliva in my mouth into shards of glass. My blood is freezing in my body, and it feels like something is blowing up in my brain like a stone balloon, crushing my brain. My vision is going back as my eyes are melting and then freezing, and I abruptly fall through the floor--

--Then I shoot up from the bed gasping for air, choking on my own spit and nearly coughing out a lung basically. My legs drop from the bed, my eyes watering, and as soon as I am able to breathe I am crying. As quietly as I can however, as if my sudden awakening hadn't already awoken the man behind me. He's not reacting though, not that I can tell.
-I reach up and rake my hands over my scalp before my palms go to my eyes, and I hold my breath. My body is tensing up hard now, and any sobs that try to come out are muted and only cause my body to jerk. I can't calm down enough, my brain isn't letting me do so.. The room was pretty cold. Was the ventilation not working?
-I let out a small gasp when arms wrapped around my body and a chin sat on my shoulder in a tight embrace. Then Brahms started humming deeply, a melody I recognized from the vinyl player, and the rattle of his chest vibrates through my body comfortably. I let out a couple of sobs as my arms lay on his.
-"I-I'm sorry." I mutter, half to Brahms and half to Sarah absentmindedly.
-"I have nightmares too." Brahms' voice grumbled against me sleepily, his cold mask making me shiver as it snugs into my neck. "I'm here."
-I sniff and I turn sideways to lean against him, letting his hug tighten. I'm still careful for his wound, even ad my eyes are wet with tears and my body shivers from chilly sadness. His scruffy beard rubs against my face and I snort at the way it makes my face itch. But I let myself cry against him, as much as it makes me feel vulnerable, and he doesn't say much of anything. All he does is hum, his voice overriding the sound of wind howling against the old manor.
-My cries slowly go from quiet to violent, and then they simmer down slowly as I sit against Brahms. I'm surprised he didn't flip a switch at all, having sat still and comforted me all the way through my break. I could finally feel myself calming down after what had to be a full ten minutes, breathing slowly as my face felt numb, and when my cries were absent was when Brahms finally moved to look at me.
-I had my eyes closed the entire time, I had no idea the lamp was on, illuminating the side of his face. He was quite scary, but I knew him and I knew that face, so I felt anything else but fear. I felt embarrassed, but mostly safety looking up at him. His hand reached for my face and his thumb wiped the wet off of my cheeks.
-"Are you better?" He asked me, and I nodded.
-"I'm sorry I woke you up."
-"It's okay." He adjusted to wrapping his arms around my shoulders and suddenly we were laying back down, his hands dragging a blanket on top of the both of us before he held me tightly, my face pressed against his chest. "I'll hold you this time."
-I smile at his forwardness and the drowsy voice be has, not even bothering with the child antics. It felt nice to realize he cared about me, and I wasn't just some nanny to him. I wrap my arms around his body as well, my eyes closing in comfort of his warmth and the dim glow of light. I buried my face into his shirt and hid from the gleam, and I could tell he passed out as soon as he finished speaking.
-Soon I was to fall asleep too, but not before thanking Sarah mentally. In an optimistic point of view, I would've never found happiness like this without her. Maybe, if I have the opportunity to dream of her again, I'll be able to tell her that.
-It will probably make her laugh if anything.