Found

Chapter 34- Need A New Start

'Fucking bitch!' I growled put, punching the sand bag with my bare splinted fists. I couldn't feel any sort of pain -because at this point I was used to this- as I pushed myself to punch harder with each hit that I landed. My punches became aggressive and rougher with each punch that landed on the bag

The sand bag was swagging back and forth with every punch that it received. There was a few little holes in the bag because of the fact I punched it nonstiopable. Sand was dropping down from the bag at a very slow -snail-like pace- to the ground

After assigning my guards their -now- new daily routine and their hard core workouts, that I'II be in charged for. I was currently in the gym with my guards doing their other workouts while I took my anger out on the punching bag

I was a mess. I couldn't get my life back together, I never could! I felt like giving up but then there was something inside me that won't let me die!

I wasn't supposed to be taking over my Oppa's or my namdongsaeng Mafia's, they should be. I was only supposed to help carry out some missions for Jun Oppa. I miss the times when Eun oppa would lecture me about going on doing dangerous missions and how he would treat my wounds after I got into a huge fight at school... I miss the old times when San-ha and Rocky Oppa would tease me about random things and get in trouble by Moonbin oppa

The old times where I was still happy and had them in my life. They where my life, the reason i tried pushing myself to do better! The reason why I wanted to do better! The reason why I hadn't killed myself, yet.But now... now they're gone, all because me! All because of one single mission

I cursed swinging my fist back again, punching the bag harder, leaving my knuckles to twist in pain, enough to draw more blood out of them, again

It was all my dang fault! Why could've I have stayed in the stupid fucking building and died with them!? Why did I listen and walk out the building!?

If I had the chance to travel back in time I would do it without hesitation! The amount of things I wanted to fix up in my past life was a lot, a lot for me to try and make right that it would take me my entire life to fix....

I cracked my neck as I landed one last punch to the bag, before they fell limp to my side, aching for some treatment to make the pain go away but I didn't care. My fist where splinted open with thick red gooey liquid oozing out quickly from the peeled -abused- skin. I didn't pay it any mind tho, why would I when they would heal after a few days, or weeks

If only I hadn't went out and fetched Tae-min's gadget  bag for him, would things me different? Would they still have been alive? Why didn't they jump out of the building when they had the chance to? My mind was repeating every question I asked myself before and it was making me become more frustrated

I know I lost them! I know I should haven tired harder to make us stay back and not go on that particular night! I should have been stubborned 'Your so useless!' My mind snickered at me, finding this the perfect opportunity to make be feel more of a worthless person I was

Not that I was complaining anyways, I was useless so what's the point in arguing with myself?

'Killer.' That word didn't effect me anymore as it used to do in my past

I knew very well that I was the cause of my loved ones deaths. I grind my teeth together causing my jaw to close shut in a painful way

I suddenly felt this urge to fly back to China and visit my Appa and Oppas safe place, the place where I could let my emotions out freely, without feeling judged or feel weak in front of peoples preying eyes. I also wanted to go and visit my other dongsaengs safe places along with my oppas place but it would feel weird being there without them all there with me