How we meet

Chapter 31

With fragments of yellow falling, the golden sun dancing across the surface of the fountains, you walked hand and hand with N. Your invisible scarlet string was tied neatly into a bow. You felt awkward, you had never gone on a date before, did you even call this a date? You didn't have any experience in this sort of thing.
What a lovely view it all was. The setting sun, the lights sparkling from the tents. Two souls, both cursed in similar yet opposing ways, walked together. The strings of fate and destiny chained the two together. Each held their complaints about life, for death, and the world. They both had an understanding though, that everything has a cost good or bad.
Good and bad are equal in strength. It may not feel like it yet for one person's joy is another suffering. Gluttony and famine, war and peace. One crying and the other laughing is how the world works. You two understood this. The simple hard-to-swallow truth of life. Nothing will ever feel like it's going your way.
You'll waltz your broken dance. Gliding across shards of broken glass, blood soaking marble floors. Wine pouring into cracked glasses. Liquid courage leaking from its bottle going to waste on the floor. You will dance with the cold yet you would never be able to let go.
You didn't mind this. Being held gently. Having a warm hand around yours. It was better than having a cold one around your throat. You liked this, the gentle touches, the fire-filled glances. A burning fire that never made your skin blister and burn. How you wished for more.
"Have you been in pain at all?" N wasn't sure how to do this either.
His heart would race with every glance at your cheeks with every look in your eyes he melted. His heart slumped into a gooey joyful puddle. The sun melting an ice cream cone on a warm summer day, that's what this was like. To him, you were a feeling that he couldn't get enough of. Three small words filled his life with reasons. Monochrome grays faded and the falling fragments of sunset painted your image in his heart and mind.
"I've been fine."
His hand held yours as you sat atop the Ferris wheel. Time stopped then, slivers of gold froze in the air. The wing tugging at your hair and clothes. Even as the wind whispered cold words of your fears your heart glowed brightly. The burning feeling in your heart ticked violently. As your moment and time froze you let the feeling of each other's lips hang in your mind even as the frozen trance of the world melted away.
Such a beautiful moment burned into your mind. It was etched into your very being. Your soul would cling to this memory until it burned out. You would let this one thing revive you from the dead. If only things would go as planned.
That man was angry. His liepard draped herself lazily over the foot of his bed. The pokemon was used to this, she watched closely observing the man as he drank his whiskey. His hand was clenched around the glass, the skin changing colors from the strain. With a huff, he shattered the glass against the wall. Jagged glass, ice, and the last drops of liquor rain onto the floor.
What a tired man. What a shitty man. What horrible things he has done. He kept the notebook stolen from your cottage in his desk drawer, tucked away with your paintings and drawings he confiscated.
He didn't pick up the glass, he simply walked away. He stood in front of the door to an abandoned room instead. The dust-covered the shelves and the bed frame. Nothing had been moved since its owner had vanished. He didn't open the door. His hands never reached for its handle. He didn't know if he wanted to go inside. He couldn't remember if he had ever seen the inside. What a lousy man, not that he would ever change.
He didn't enter, he didn't try to understand what went wrong. He refused to understand. He refused to listen to any thought that seemed like he could have been better. He wouldn't change. He stood at the door not longing to understand not seeking answers. It wasn't even to punish himself for any sins he had committed, for any crime. He stood there out of anger, he couldn't do anything but let his frustration consume him. He didn't get what he wanted so now he was acting like an angry toddler, but no one would dare say it to his face.
He deserved nothing. He owned everything. A suit and tie, a meeting of some of the most powerful people around him. A whisky in hand. His stacks of notes are now neatly organized on a tablet, lined by notes of even smarter people. He would get what he wanted, no matter how many tantrums he threw, everything would be exactly how he wanted it. He desired perfection, he desired it all. Success, power, brains, and he demanded that you would fall back into line. He didn't care about the cost.
You and N walked back home hand and hand. You had arranged a deal that he'd help you around the house and work and that he would stay there as well. He took pride in the fact that he had cooked something that you had asked him to make again soon. He had never had the opportunity to cook for someone else before. The feeling of pride and overwhelming joy at seeing you smile and compliment his cooking made him feel fuzzy.
He laid there beside you in the small bed. You slept peacefully and he once again found himself staring out the window like he did at the hospital. This time it was different though. He wasn't worried or anxious about you, it wasn't some random feeling of self-pity and hating how the world had treated the two of you. It was you tucked asleep beside him, your hands wrapped gently around his arm. His heart was beating too fast to sleep.
It was a race of emotions. Blood pumping through his veins as fast as a leopard could run. It ran circles around his heart and around his head. The thoughts of embarrassment and general panic of a crush touching you made every part of his brain short circuit. Oh how he was glad that you were asleep and couldn't see his burning face. He did secretly wish you would kiss him again.
He was scared though still worried that you would react badly to his wants. Fearful that his request would be denied and he would be completely and utterly humiliated. That for some reason you would be cruel and laugh at his face. Joke about the bright red cheeks and laugh yet again at the tears that would spill. He was fearful of the thoughts that you would sink claws into his back and drag tears from his eyes that you who had only ever shown him love and care, would tear him apart.
It was completely irrational. Something that you would never do. It was a fear that he knew wouldn't happen, it wouldn't ever happen. You would never treat someone like that, you couldn't. Yet he still found himself choking on quiet sobs. He felt the silent pleas to the universe get caught in his throat. He felt them built up until he suffocated in his own self-loathing. How could anyone love me?
His greatest fears. The darkest nightmares. The sharp needles that pierced his skin draining his energy made him sink into the bed. The blankets pooled around his face. He nuzzled himself against you. His hands held yours firmly in his, scared that you would vanish from his hold. Scared that like how a flower loses its petals, you would disappear into a burst of confetti. That's how fears worked. Nothing would change the cruelty of the human mind, how it hurts itself when left to wonder.
You held him so softly as you slept. Unknowingly you comforted him more than his own heart could. You may not have woken up, you didn't kiss tears from his face and you didn't wipe away the fears of heartbreak with gentle caresses, yet you still held him. Perhaps you would have done all of those things, perhaps you would have done more. You held him as he cried and soon enough, his eyes drew heavy, his heart grew tired. He was so exhausted from his own self-hatred that he melted into you, sleeping gently, tucking him in bed, and kissing the thoughts away. All the while you hummed happily as his arm wrapped around your sleeping body.
You both felt safe here, save together. The world could be on fire, but together you would feel a sense of comfort that no one else could give you. You would stay up restless without the other. You would cry until you collapsed. That is what it meant to love.