With Shaking Hands

Five hundred words, One year, Five hundred miles

There are parts of me that will never let you go, I try to tell myself that your fingers filling the spaces in-between mine is no longer something worth thinking about. I try to tell myself that you are no longer worth thinking about, but the way you changed my life it's hard not to. There are pieces of you in everything, and as much as I try to distract myself I can't help but to notice it every single time. I thought I could avoid you, just stay away from your side of town and I'd be okay right? I heard you in a strangers laugh six months after and I wish there were words for the pain I felt inside my chest. I thought I could hide from you under a new uniform in a new restaurant, that one co-worker that just started walked pasted me a little to close and I smelled you. Except it wasn't actually you it was just the same laundry soap you used, I took a cigarette break and cried in my car that day. At first hearing your friends talk about you was the most painful thing, but honestly after a while I liked hearing about you. I'm glad that you are doing better, feeling better. I can't help but wonder what you're thinking about this time of year, I wonder if you're thinking about the same things I am. Are you going to your grandmothers for Christmas again? I hope the new girl is as nervous as I was, and I hope she does all the things I did for you and more. It's almost our birthdays too, I almost forgot. You used to tell me how much you hated it and it was just another day. I hated you for thinking that, I just wanted you to enjoy your day but this year coming I think I'll spend mine how you spent yours. This weather has such a hold on my heart, it feels so much like your hands. There are parts of me that will always miss you. I am so different now, I wonder if you are too. I don't think we will see each other again, I should have believed you when you said that. I fight the parts of me that still wants to, I am doing my best to heal from the past and let go of things I have no control over. I said before that I forgive you, I guess I wasn't ready to face that maybe I had almost had mistakes myself. I'm sorry for any pain I may have brought to you. There are parts of me that will always love you, but I've come to accept that the time we had was the only we will ever have. Thank you for the amazing journey, and if we ever happen to meet again, I hope I get the chance to love you better. For now this is my goodbye.