Before you go...

IX

The following year i was determined to study so i could get accepted from the university of my choice. Joon and me had a plan. We wanted to get out of that house as soon as possible. So we studied our butts off. The thing is...you finally looked proud? Of me? The fights stopped , you did things for me , you talked to me calmly, like i was equal to you. I felt torn apart. I blamed myself for not doing what you wanted sooner but something inside of me kept telling me that i wasnt at fault. It was yours. You just weren't a good dad. Or a dad at all.

I dont know if you regret how you treated us back then , now that you're gone. And i dont want to know because i would feel even worse than i do.

That year the exams where the hardest they had been in the past ten years. My anxiety was sky rocketing. Panic attacks, stomach problems i just couldn't get myself to feel safe and calm down. The idea of living another miserable year in our house was terrifying to me back then.

When me and Joon got our results back we cried. You thought it was because we achieved our goals but really it was because we were relieved that we were going to escape soon. Joon got accepted in law school and i was accepted in medicine school. You were beyond proud. Even became a bit cocky about it. You threw us a big party in the front yard and invited the whole neighborhood. That is one of the few good memories i have. At that moment it felt like we were a family.