Finding My Normal

Ch 1: One Step at a Time

I made it.  After 21 days of trying I had finally made it to the curb of the sidewalk outside my new home on Sunnyvale Court.

My heart started pounding in my chest so hard and I wasn't sure if it was because I was scared or excited to have made it this far.  I'm going to go with scared because I can't seem to move any further.  I need to.  I need to make it off this curb for my new parents.  They have been so good to me after everything I've been through and I can't even return the favor by being normal.

They adopted me despite how messed up I was and I can't even be a good daughter to them.  I want to make them proud and I want to be normal again.  That is why I am taking this assignment, but I can't complete it if I can't even leave my house!  I have tried every day since we moved here for my assignment and I'm running out of time.  I can feel the fear creeping up inside my chest and my feet are itching to turn and run back up the driveway into my house.  But I promised my new parents I would do this assignment, I can't back out now.  After the move, after leaving everything behind no way am I going to disappoint my parents even further.

My mom knows, she tells me everyday that she loves me and that I don't have to do this if I don't want to.  She tells me family first and if I want to go back to the way things were they will drop everything and move back.  I know my mother is telling the truth, but I want to practice that philosophy too.  I know they need me to do this and I am putting family first; if only I could get my foot off this curb it would be another step in the right direction.

I was never this scared before.  For the first eight years of my life I was actually normal.  A girl with a mom, dad and big sister.  My family is gone now, I was eight years old when I got the news and was taken into foster care.  Yes, I was scared, but not as scared as I got after that night.  That last night in foster care messed me up good.

Living with people you don't know is scary and I kept to myself in all the foster homes I was placed in.  I rarely spoke, I did as I was told, I even went to school.  I never made friends though, jumping from home to home; school to school prevented that.  At that point I was still able to go outside; I was still able to function normally.  

I was lucky too.  Every time I was placed in a bad home or things started to get bad for me I was saved and moved to a different home.  It was like I had a guardian angel.  When my first foster parents were spending my checks on big screen TVs and stereo equipment I got placed in a new home.  I don't even know how they got caught.  My second foster home was full of drug addicts, an anonymous tip to the police busted them and I got moved again.  The foster mother in my third home wouldn't let us go to school.  Instead she would make the three foster kids she was caring for do chores all day and all night.  If we didn't work fast enough she would hit us with a wooden spoon.  I only lived there for six days when a CPS representative came to do a random check and took us all away to new homes.  From then on I was in and out of unfit homes so fast I couldn't keep track.  I always thought I was just lucky, but I learned different on my last night of foster care.

In my last foster home everything seemed to be going great.  I had been there the longest out of all the homes I was placed in.  Another foster girl had been taken in by this family, she had been there for a year and a half already.  I took that as a good sign.

I am so happy to be here, finally a home that isn't scary.  As I get comfortable in bed and pull my blanket up further under my chin I hear the creaking of floorboards outside.  I listen alertly to figure out who it is.  The steps sound heavy so it must be my foster dad.  I hear the door open slowly, he must be checking to see if I'm asleep on time.  I better close my eyes and stay still so he doesn't catch me.  I hear his footsteps grow closer.  Does he not believe I'm asleep?  Then I hear a sound like rustling of fabric.  What is he doing?  That's when it happens, I get startled at the sound of a window breaking.  My foster dad jumps too and runs out of my room and towards the sound of the crash.  I follow several seconds later and peek around the hallway to see what is happening.  Someone dressed in a black hoodie and black pants has broken through the window, knocked things over and is now trying to unplug the TV in the living room.  He doesn't look intimidating, he is slim, but still about a foot taller than me, but not as big as my foster dad.  Is some teenager trying to steal from our home?  

My thoughts get interrupted when my foster dad grabs a bat from the coat closet and yells, "What the fuck do you think you're doing!?!?!"  The burglar turns at the sound of my foster dad's voice, but looks directly at me peeking around the hallway.  He's staring into my eyes and I can't look away from the white mask he is wearing over his face.  What frightens me more is the distorted, mechanical voice that comes out of his mouth, "Stay away from Sang, you pervert".  Me?  How does he know my name?  What did he just call my foster dad?  I start to hear sirens in the distance.  At this, the masked teenager jumps back out the window with ease while my foster father attempts to swat him with the bat not getting very far over the broken objects lying all over the floor.  Four police cars pull up and one approaches my foster dad who has already gone outside.

"Sir, a burglary was called in, is he still in the house?"

"No he ran off, we didn't call the police.  He just broke in like 5 minutes ago."

"Sir can we check inside to make sure everyone is safe?"

"No.  We are fine, my kids are sleeping I don't want to wake them up."

"Sir, please step aside so we can ensure your family is safe."

I see the officer barge in along with two female officers so I hurry back to my room.  Everything happens in a blur.  We are being escorted to police cars, my foster sister is crying and both my foster parents are being put in handcuffs.  I look towards the ground and see dozens of red roses scattered all over the front yard.  That's when I panic; I start to shake and the female officer escorting me to her car tells me I'm safe now and I don't ever have to worry about bad foster parents again.  She doesn't know that new foster parents is not what I fear.

As I ride away in the back of a police car I pass the old abandoned church.  It's not that run down yet, but in a few years it will be.  The paint's not chipping yet, only a few of the windows have holes in them and the graffiti is minimal.  The playground next door is old too.  I never got to play there and now I'm being taken out of another home.  Even if my next home is near a playground I wouldn't want to play.  I don't want to do anything with that masked person out there watching me, waiting for me, wanting to kill me.

I snap out of the memory.  Little did I know my foster sister was being sexually abused by the foster dad every night for the past six months.  That night was apparently my turn.  The girl had confided in the female police officers when they had shown up after the burglary was called in.  When the police informed me that the attempted burglary had prevented the foster dad from doing anything to me they told me I was lucky.  I knew it wasn't luck.  When I got taken away that night I knew someone was watching me and that was the same day I knew my parents weren't in an accident, they were murdered.

That's what did me in.  Knowing that there is someone out there who killed my family and is possibly out to finish the job with me was terrifying.  I could barely speak to anyone.  I couldn't look anyone in the eyes out of fear that I might meet the person who will kill me.  The female officer from that night turned out to be my new mom.  When my new parents took me in they didn't question why I couldn't go outside anymore.  I'm sure they figured I was traumatized after being in the foster system.

I'm scared of what's out there--who is out there.  That is why I can't seem to take another step, but I have to learn.  I have to conquer this fear.  Just do it Sang!  

My right foot lifts off the curb and slowly makes its way to the asphalt below.  My left foot follows and I stare at my feet with a smile on my face, proud that I'm making more progress tonight.  One step at a time Sang, that's all it takes.  Doing a little happy dance in my head I don't hear the stampede of elephants approaching or at least what felt like an elephant when it knocked me down.  It all happens in an instant-- I'm knocked down, it starts to rain and I feel a few drops on my face.  I panic, thinking I'm trapped and that maybe going out in the real world is a bad idea.  Despite my panic and lack of practice I focus enough to use the skills my new parents taught me to maneuver myself out of the hold of the terrifying monster and run back into the safety of my house.  Just as the rain begins to pour harder, I cross the threshold and slam the door closed behind me.