Finding My Normal

Ch 35: Who is the Big Bad Wolf?

In some cultures spirit guides come in the form of a wolf. They guide you when you feel lost, protect you as you explore a new path, staying by your side as you face your deepest fears.

Other times wolves can be scary beasts destroying everything in their way or anyone who dares cross their path; tearing limbs from bodies. Or if you read romance novels they may be the misunderstood character that the protagonist falls in love with. If you're a kid wolves are big, bad, and they'll blow your house down.

In my life the lines between good and bad are blurry.

Who is Volto to me? Is he the big bad wolf? Or is he my protector? If he cares about me he sure has a funny way of showing it. Of course he rescued me from the shower, but if he knew my parents were abusive why didn't he get me real help? When I was in foster care he helped me, but it only led to me getting tossed around from one unfit home to the next. 

Volto scares me, but he saves me time after time.

What about my family? Reading through my childhood journal I see all the things I went through. All the memories I suppressed. Is my mother the wolf who tears people limb from limb? The thing of nightmares and horror movies. According to my journals she is.

As I sit here reading through each and every punishment I wonder how I'm not mad. Angry, sad...anything! But I don't feel any of those emotions, it's in the past and even though the memories feel fresh right now, the pain does not.

I was mad though--at one point in my life. According to my journal I was mad at my sister and father for not stopping my mother. Later entries show my confusion for what I supposedly did wrong. In some entries I show sadness due to not being able to do anything right. My childhood self would try over and over to do everything right and my mother would still find something to punish me for.

A journal entry I wrote when I was six shows me upset at Marie for blaming me for things I didn't do and for making up lies to get me in trouble. All like it was some game to her.

That's not how sisters are supposed to be, but I'm not angry with her. I can only tell myself that she was just a kid and that if she were alive today we would be the best sisters. Right?

I can't be mad at people who aren't here today. I can't be mad at my family, but I can be upset as to what motivated them to leave me behind.

Did they really hate me that much? Or were they able to abandon me because they never loved me to begin with?

I've read through my entire journal three times and based on that and my own memories I know my father never laid a hand on me. But does that make him a good person? He never stopped my mother from hurting me. That sure doesn't make him the hero.

On my eighth birthday Volto left me a note that he would be back for me-- no "we" is what he said. He had to have help to pull off everything he did. Someone older maybe? Volto was just a teenager my last night of foster care, which means he was just a kid when my parents abandoned me. Was that their way of saving me from my parents? They knew I was being abused and somehow convinced my parents to leave me and Volto was going to take me. Was Volto going to make me his family? What did he have on them? What was enough to convince my father to let me go? His own daughter.

With all the facts lined up Volto would be the hero in this story.  But kidnapping and blackmail is wrong. Committing crimes does not make you a hero. Torturing me, stalking me and forcing painful memories on me years later does not make Volto my hero, savior or protector.

And what secret life was my father living? How long had his relationship with this Angela person been going on? What new business was he talking about that night?