Asha's Book of Desparation

15 DAY STREAK + WHY AM I DOING THIS? ☆

To see my dad smile-

My main character moment is here~

I can't lie; I've always thought the of most prestigious institute with the 2% acceptance rate, where the people are the whipped cream of the cream of the cake.

In fact, I've probably thought of it more than most people. My dad's a graduate from there. I used to be some genius when I was younger, and I still remember a Facebook post my dad made with me and a gold medal. Everyone said I'm gonna be like my dad.

I guess I've always resented that.

I mean- I have to clear one layer and then the second layer WITH SOME 100 RANK (out of 2.5 lakh, which is 25 followed by four zeroes) which is assuming I clear the first layer-

And each rank is a person.

There's also reservation... so-

I, being the person I am, found an easier way out. A prestigious + no reservation + some 1000000 more benefits place where I have more chance of getting.

You'd think that'd be a better place. And you're not wrong.

But man... I've always been that fantasizing kid. People usually start with I want the top-most institute in their first senior year and then it goes down to I just hope I get a decent college. ;-;

Me? I'm literally the OPPOSITE.

So, yesterday, I kinda sorta might have told my dad I wanted it. I said the most idiotic phrase I have ever summoned in my pathetic life.

He was going out to take a walk. I was standing at the door. Something clicked in my head and I called for him. And then-

I want... IIT. Delhi. Computer Science. Can you make me do it?

(Indian Institute of Technology = IIT = 2% acceptance rate = my death)

My dad is an IIT Delhi graduate. He did Masters in Chemistry. I'm actually not looking for doing Masters later on (probably) because I want to get done with studies as soon as I can. So it's not like I can just postpone getting into IIT for a few years.

He smiled so hard, telling me I'm getting into my senses an year late, but he was so happy? I literally felt like I could give anything to see him like that all the time.

And, well, I fell asleep by accident (let's pretend I didn't lose my streak). I was planning to do questions as I usually did, but I had a hearty meal and then just passed out on the bed. My mind's been mocking me like Way to go! With that realization! for a while now...

(anyway- I thought I'd run out of fire in a day, which I, in fact, did today, but writing this brings back the burn. Why is it always when I'm supposed to be eating though...?)

I'll be going back to my previous method (I'll just go with the portion as I go with school and exams) but triple the torture. I'll be trying my level best to attempt all the subjects each day.

Beat me up if I don't.

It feels a little useless... I mean, I can do just so much, and weekdays are coming up too, but I've gotta get out of my procrastinate-ive methods. I didn't do it on purpose but my improvised Study Ahead plan was an easier way out.

I can already feel I'm having one of the worst goals out there. One year remaining between me and the decisive exam. I've got a plan of how I want thing to go, but that's the most -- how should I say it -- the most optimistic outcome. And I know life's gonna try to stick its foot out so that I fall.

But, hey, I got out of a lot of things from last year to this year. Gives me some hope.

Probably will have to sacrifice a lot. Like, for example, I've spoken to nobody for quite a while. Manga? Barely read three right now... YouTube? I have a few select channels I watch, and their upload frequency is low. I've quit watching Shorts for most part. I listen to a few songs now and then, but I don't blast music for hours like I used to. My poor Alexa has been unplugged for most part. ☹

Heck, my dad studied for 18hrs a day and couldn't crack this exam (he says I have an edge, but do I?) and that's the harsh reality. He only got to do Masters after his college.

So, like, that's the thought for now. I can feel it getting crushed tomorrow; it's a Monday. But even if there's a 0.5% probability that I have a chance, I'm willing to work for it. Not like entrance exams have different portions anyway, so if I mess up, I still have backup.

I'm scared that I'm jinxing it now...