Asha's Book of Desparation

HAD A BAD DAY

I don't know why, just wanted to put it here. Apparently I'll laugh at this the day I'm out of school.

There's a physics tuition teacher I have. He's one of those who consider scolding a good thing. I'm one of those who has never been scolded in school.

Now, having hit a rock bottom in life, I've gotten insecure and I cry very easily. I recently failed an exam and that's the first time I've ever done so, therefore my self-doubt is at an all time high.

I actually study like 3hrs in advance for this teacher. He had made me cry last year due to my horrible results in an exam, and I never told him about exams ever since. But with my finals coming up and me failing Chemistry, my parents told him. And I've been having his class almost everyday ever since.

I feel like I may have underprepared today, though. He just told me to revise something I had read a day back. And I couldn't find which questions exactly he wanted me to do, so I tucked the book away intending to ask him later on.

By great misfortune, he said we would do those questions together today.

We started solving questions - and I suck at questions. I had some slight confidence since I had studied the chapter in question. But what I eventually got wrong was a unit and dimensions question. The easiest chapter in Physics, the first chapter.

So he began giving me other similar questions. And I got them right in my head, but he stressed me out so I just didn't say anything, and he happened to throw the remark: You can't solve even unit and dimensions? Don't you learn from both coaching and school?

It was a very hurtful thing. I had been told that so many times. I failed Chemistry too a few days back, and all I heard was this. When this teacher cemented that fact, I felt like a useless person. Just a waste of my parents money. I immediately burst into tears but I managed to hold it in, so he didn't really get a hint of it.

I was trying to name the variable. That's actually how I solve units and dimensions. Get the variable, then the formula, and then the dimensions. Now, I knew A was amplitude. So that was a direct [L]. But there was a a too, and I had no idea of what it even was.

Turns out I didn't even need it (and it wasn't even a known variable!) and that made me feel really stupid.

He told me a lot of things, and then when he heard me crying, he told me I was weak and I shouldn't take it to heart and a ton of things. He was trying to console me but it wasn't working. Everything he said sounded like an insult. And he had already hit my worst point anyway.

Since my tears weren't stopping, he told me he'd take class tomorrow. I tried to persuade him to finish off but he didn't budge. By that twisted luck I got left early, just to have another class on the one day I thought I could take it easy.

My parents said I overreacted. They got hit back in their time and stuff. And that I had to take it as a challenge instead. But they ruined their pep talk when they said if I couldn't do Physics, I won't be able to do Science. That the teacher wasn't wrong about me learning the same thing from three different sources. And that I don't cry when they scold me, so why do I do so when the teacher scolds me?

I feel no motivation. I want to bury myself underground. My exams start day after and I'm certain I'll fail this grade. I can't do anything. I feel really bad and no one in my real life understands me.

This month has been torture.

I wonder if I'll really laugh at this one day. Is my older self is giving me a hug? Or is she crying with me because the future really ended up bad?
I kinda don't even want to know.

I've been drowning myself with a favorite rock cover to block out everything and just feel better overall.

I don't even have any hopes from the future. I will probably never accomplish my dream of making something like Friday Night Funkin' myself.

Also... I've been doing a lot of questions, but they feel too insignificant to be recorded. So I'm going to hold off February. I've somehow made it halfway through, and I hope to god my March doesn't get influenced by this. My results do come out in March after all.

I see nothing but misfortune.