Asha's Book of Desparation

21st - 25th March '22

How many questions did I do...? I wonder. A lot, actually. But I cannot solve higher level questions so we count that as zero. Like my parents. Haha.

I just wanted to say...
I probably cry everyday.

That's all. I don't know what's remaining of me. Ironic because the main character in a story of mine says this line. This is karma, then.

Today everything got worse as the day progressed. Friday used to be a good day, huh... back when? I don't know.

My life's so miserable it's funny.

Here, have a song.

Is it just me who wants a hug from a 2D character because my people in my life will probably never understand? Yes, right. I want Miku to hug me.
I'm crazy. I don't care.

You know, I'm not going to hide it. People affect me so damn much. The song above created a dispute between me and my friend. And then the tutor tries to do business with me and asks me to tell my friends about him. And my parents say that they can't always protect me. That my output is zero. And now, a Chemistry tutor is also coming. The weekends I tried so damn hard to protect are gone. All days of the week are gone.

You'll probably wonder, like my parents, what's wrong with having an hour or two of classes everyday?

Well.

How does anxiety starting from 5 hours earlier sound? Simple, right? Yeah, it's just me. I'm too needy and picky.

I really hope no one's going to read this. I have no rights to ruin someone else's day.

Why do I still post here? Once again, I don't know. Maybe I just want to write it all down and get it in my head that IT'S NOT THEM, IT'S YOU! Anyway. I guess I want to hit Wattpad's 200 part limit. It's going to look so cool. 200 parts of pain. We're at 40-something now. 150+ to go! Woohoo!

This dried up my tears. Writing really gets me. Hah, wish I could get somewhere with my words. I won't, though. My country is just like that. I really got all the useless skills. Heck, I don't even score in my English exams because I can't write about depression there. So it comes back a full circle, what's even the use?

I don't really have skills. I was lying.

You know, I want to talk more.

A longer explanation to the incident: My friend was looking forward to the song above, but YouTube chose today to throw a tantrum for her. She couldn't watch it. And that pissed her so much. But I tried to help, without realizing I was pushing it. I asked her if she had different devices, could type in a URL in her Chrome app, and finally I even downloaded the thing and sent it, except it didn't go well on phone.

Whatever hellish luck it was, she snapped at me.

And that's justified.

But...

Today morning I had an upset stomach...
I reached school late.
In the computer lab, my codes didn't work, making me further feel disappointed with myself. Like, I can't even code Python. That's just... heartbreaking and soul-crushing. Why can't I do it? Especially with computers being my dream and all, it just sucks.
After that, I screwed up Chemistry. Typical me.
Got into the Math class late as I needed to copy my computer files to work on them at home. Got scolded. I deserved it. But it hurts.
And after that I couldn't do any Math. Inverse trigonometry was the subject. I cannot prove things.
Physics is, well... 

You know what? I don't want to talk anymore. I can't do a single damn thing right. It's getting more real as I type it. Never mind.

Anyway... um, here's a wellness checklist. My Chemistry teacher gave it to us. I will never tick them all, but if you can, I'd be very glad.

Did you...

1. Laugh heartily today?

2. Play (physically!) today?

3. Express respect and gratitude recently?

4. Carry out your hobby/passion today?

5. Perform an act of kindness recently?

6. Study well (to YOUR satisfaction) today?

7. Eat healthy today?

8. Sleep well last night?

I hope it's a yes to 5 out of 8, at least! You're doing awesome. Keep going, wonderful person. I'm proud of you. Don't worry about things that haven't happened yet. Things eventually work out.

That's rich coming from me, but I genuinely mean it.

I will pray for your happiness.

Have a good day/night!