Letters From a Betrayed Wife

Letter 4: Denial

Dear Sean,

 I'm here again writing another letter after more than two months since DD. 

I loved you, only you, always you. But now look at you so different. The trust is gone. Everything you do and say I overthink. You caused me an emotional hell and I hate you for that. I don't care anymore what happens if you stay or go. 

I begged you for so long to love me and treat me good like you used to. It took very long to realize that the man whom I loved and who loved me is long gone so he will never come back. So now I just live day by day. It makes me very aware of everything but now I don't care at the same time. I want to name it the love turned in hate feeling.

 When you are actually nice I know it's fake and always question why?

I have set a date if I don't feel different and can't get past what you did, then I'm leaving this relationship and you forever no matter what I feel or think. By the way right now I don't think the hurt will ever go away if you honestly ever loved and respected me you wouldn't have done what you did. It was your choice to do it. So it's my choice to stay or go. You killed all the trust and respect. Yes, you never had the love. At least now I can stand to wake up every day and live one day at a time. Finally.

There is a very fine line between love and hate.

It's true.

Absolutely true!

My deep love has now turned in to deep hate.

I can't stand the sight of you because it's just too painful. I've been in therapy for more than 2 months and my therapist assure me that this is "normal" but who wants to live this kind of "normal"?

I let you cheat on me for all these years. I had never seen it that way but I could not stop it and get out just because I always denied any possibility of it. You took total and complete advantage of my inability to stand up for myself. So you're an abuser.

I've been in severe denial and that is a common thing that happens to all who have been cheated on by someone we loved desperately trying to make things better. I had to find help somewhere to stop the addiction I have towards you as a husband. Yes it's an addiction when we can't walk away from a man who treats us terribly and we think we can fix it! The awful unworthy life partner is our fix even when he's terribly awful by doing what is never been allowed to be done in a committed relationship. I'd rather put up with all the abuse (cheating is most certainly abuse!) then to let you go. You were a very disrespectful, selfish, rotten person to have been cheating right under my nose. But I too had a part in not stopping it. I'm sorry for the harsh truth but that is what it takes to help for me to "snap" out of denial!

I think not only I was in complete denial but you were on the same page. You're in denial of what and who you really are with not a bit of acceptance. And I think you do the shit to make yourself feel better because you know how shitty and useless you are. Oh wait, you aren't completely useless, you only have one thing inside your pants that you're good for. That's why you have the side chicks, because nobody else wants you for full time as a devoted life partner a loyal husband because you are a total failure in it.

Your words always seemed hollow empty and unrequited to me.

I've pleaded with you for years that our relationship isn't going well and I could feel that you weren't close to me. Or I felt that you were cheating on me. And then you would always tell me," oh! No! baby you're the only one for me. I love you. I'm not going anywhere."

The infidelity was the "last straw that broke the camel's back." I'm struggling severely, trying to deal with your infidelity and I have considered leaving this holy bond of our marriage more times than I can count. I feel a pain that I cannot quell.