Letters From a Betrayed Wife

Letter 9: Analysis

Dear Sean,

When you say, "I Will Never DO IT Again For Us And My Kids." It gives me a remote glimmer of hope. If you truly love someone you won't cheat on them. You'll communicate your issues and be open about what is going on. People who want to save relationships won't cheat, as simple as that.

If you remember that you are the man who promised me the world before and after we got marries but you didn't even saved yourself for me leave aside the whole world.

You say that you will never do it again. This one blow rather a big hit of all the revelation is enough for me. The pain is enough for several lifetimes.

You asked me the question, "Do I think you'll ever do it again?" And I couldn't answer it on the spot but I contemplated a lot about it. My heart says, "No. you'll never do it again. But again my heart had always said that you would never do it in the first place. Because you are still my husband, my soul mate and my better half. You owed me honesty. You owed me integrity, and you owed it to me to keep your promises. You didn't. I agree that it took both of us to come to a point where you saw an option to choose betrayal, but at the same time you still made the choice to betray, be deceitful, and lie."

There is so much of me that wants to work things out too but then you who promise me the world get mad when I ask for delivery of those promises which breaks me and my hopes. Even if you say you are, you are not as invested in our relationship as much as I am. This is not the way you can show you are. You are only interested in yourself and whatever benefits you. So your words are like 'a remote glimmer of hope' as your actions do not match with your words.

Yesterday I was talking to my therapist about how self-centred and selfish you seem to me in your actions and in your behaviour. Why do you act and behave like this if you want to keep our marriage, me and kids with you? This is what I get as an explanation to my concern for you. Please read it if it can make any difference to you.

'Selfishness is the primary motivator for adulterers. We all have selfishness, but adulterers have fed that selfishness and let it grow. They become self-centric and tend to place unreasonable expectations on their spouse. Then when those expectations cannot be met, they begin to blame the spouse and begin to only focus on the perceived negative things about the spouse. They have a desire to cheat and are building the excuse/justification they need to act on it. Then they become blind to all the good the spouse does. Once they have enough "justification" and the opportunity, which they sought out, they cheat.

This selfishness as the motivator is important to understand to determine the answer to your question, should you believe his motive of staying in the holy matrimony.

Has he shown a change in his selfishness?

Is he acting less self-centred?

Is he becoming a selfless person?

Is he doing everything in his ability to help you heal?

Has he stopped blaming you and taken all responsibility for his choice to cheat?

Has he dropped his excuses and admitted that he did it because he wanted to and he chose to?

Has he begun to face the monster he had become and started fighting that monster to be a better person?

Has he changed because he wants to be a better person and not just to keep you?

If you can answer yes to those questions, then you have good reason to believe his motives. If you answer no to many of them, chances are he is being manipulative and has just figured out how to sound believable.'

As for you not ever cheating again, I don't believe we can know that. We can have the reassurance that you aren't currently. However, you have proven that you have the capability to justify a very selfish evil act and you can do it again if you feed that selfishness again. I recommend you looking deep down and learning why you were driven to do something so very selfish. Then take steps to be more and more selfless every day. The more selfless you become, the less likely you will ever desire doing something that evil and traumatizing to someone who loves you again. You physically cheated on me with how ever many and brought home an STD, I just want to move forward. I'm seriously not attacking, but trying to help you as you are not ready to go get expert help for yourself. It is very important that you discover you true motivation. You need to face it and learn to heal from it. Otherwise, it will manifest in other destructive ways like this.