Internal Hell

Ward 29 : Ask Me

"Love is as strong as death, as hard as Hell. Death separates the soul from the body, but love separates all things from the soul"

-Meister Eckhart
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"Baba,I found her,I found her ,she is with me all this time" After he went to his mother-in-law's house, he decided to go to his baba's room.He needed to tell him what he found out.

Every time he was lost,he always found himself inside the white painted room of his old man.
Harix sat on his old man's bed and looked at the sleeping man.

"You were shocked, right? When you found out that it was not abhi but it was your beloved son who committed the mortal sin"

He still remembered his baba's reaction during that time.His face became red, and he almost unleashed his beast in him.

"Your look could kill Baba, but you didn't kill me, but I wish you did" he was thinking that if during that time he died maybe he didn't need to meet Drayan,he didn't need to look at the woman with his guilty eyes.

When Drayan told him that she was deflowered it was not automatically registered to his mind that the woman was being violated by a young man.He thought it was someone older or beast enough to violate the woman's innocent soul.But who was he to judge when it was affirmative that it was him whom he called a beast.Yes, he despised himself even more now. He didn't even recognize his victim.

But after that night he suffered from a phobia. Because of heavy guilt,his conscience had awakened.The filthy nightmare always visited him every night.It haunted him for many years.For the record, he was a virgin too before that night happened.

He played with boys, with toys, with girls' hearts but not with women' s body.He was a bad boy with limits.He was a bad son with hidden love to his baba. He felt like he was tormented because of his negligence, a sin that he regretted the most.

The regretful event disturbed his mind.This sudden change was noticed by his family, especially when his Nana hugged him, he pushed her away because every time he made contact with a female flesh the indecent scene would flood his mind.

He was being brought to the doctor for treatment. But only his baba and abhi knew the true reason,the alibi they gave to his Nana and annem was a rare medical condition and the two ladies believed it.

But maybe the sleepless nights with full of sweats and unsteady heartbeat would not compensate for the night with full of terror and sorrow.His pain as an offender was nothing compared to the victim.

“Son” he was shocked to hear a voice, but he knew it was impossible right now for his dad to produce that sound

“Maestro”

"Until now you are still complaining to your king" his maestro Frank said jokingly.He also visited his best friend regularly, but this was one of the days when his schedule with his rebel student collided.

"Until now he didn't scold me" Harix just looked at his second dad.The one who helped him to where he was right now.

"Which part is damaged this time?" He marched toward his student and looked at the distressed young man.He was broken, both internally and externally.

Harix didn't answer, so his maestro asked again.
"It's both right?"

Harix's eyes became larger than normal for a moment, and he sadly smiled because this man knew him a lot.

"I don't know"He just gave him a negative reply.He had no courage to divulge to his maestro that Drayan was his dirty past.

"You must know,did you talk to Him?"
His maestro asked him if he already blurted out his problems to the holder of all affairs.

"I do it everyday" for him his maestro's question was absurd, praying five times a day was obligatory, and you could only stop doing it when your soul had been taken out from your body by the angel of death.

"But you didn't talk to Him about this matter," his maestro said confidently.

"I...."no he didn't because he was confused and at the same time ashamed to his Creator.He couldn't even tell it to his maestro but his maestro understood it,there was some secret that needed to stay secret,that's why it was called secret.

"How unfair isn't it?you confessed it to your king Frego, but you didn't confess it to the true King"

"He already knew before I could blurt it out"Harix said.His Creator knew everything, including the thing that he didn't say and even the things that he didn't know.

"And you already knew that He wants you to yearn for Him, He is ready to help you, all you need to do is ask Him to help you"

"I know, but I forgot"Harix frankly admitted that sometimes he failed to understand Allah's reason for testing him.He only understood it only after he survived the test.

"It's our duty to remind each other"His maestro said while holding his left shoulder.Harix felt the comfort when his maestro's hand touched his shoulder. It was like equivalent to a warm hug.

"Shukran maestro"

He was thankful for his maestro, not only for his advice but for being a dad to him.Although his baba's role was irreplaceable, he still treated his maestro like his second dad.He was with him during the time he thought he would be going to lose the battle.He was with him when his hope was almost turned to ashes.He was always ready to give him faith.When every time the guilt and the sin blinded him,he was always willing to drag him again to the light.This man might not be his baba, but he had a special place in his heart.

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Harix got home late, but his wife was still waiting for him.

"Where have you been? I was scared here alone"

His eyes landed to his innocent wife.He scrutinized her, she wasn't gorgeous, she wasn't pretty,no with one swift glance you wouldn't immediately see her beauty.But the more you looked at her,her hidden beauty was slowly showing, like a beautiful dark sky at night,that if you would not observe for so long you would not see the stars.

"Harix?" Drayan called him again.

Harix needed to force himself to divert his gaze from his thoughts to the woman who was blocking his way at the moment.

He searched his pocket and gave the picture to his wife.

"What is this?"

"Your Nono"Harix said while planning to walk away.

"Nono? Where did you get it?"
Drayan's voice slowly became weak and with a short span of seconds,her face immediately became teary.

Harix was turning his back from her,but he could tell that the woman was crying.

"Your annem,I met your annem"

"An....nem?"Drayan asked with full of eagerness and pain

"Yes,and she wanted to meet you"

"Wh...where? I want to meet her Harix"

"You will meet her tomorrow,I will ask mang Pelo to bring you there"

"Mang Pelo? You will not go with me?"

Harix froze, this was what he feared, a strong attachment.He decided to face the woman this time.

"I have an appointment tomorrow,mang Pelo will be the one to take care of you"

She didn't answer because she saw the tiredness in her husband's eyes, she just nodded and smiled sadly. She walked slowly to her bedroom, she was wondering why she sensed a distant heart from the man who already claimed her soul.She was not allowed to go out with the servants before.She was always accompanied by her husband, but why his rule changed now?

Harix waited until his wife closed her bedroom door.

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The ship was shrinking, could this mean that this was a painful goodbye?