I can almost touch my dream. There are shades of people that were in front of me. Reaching out my hand passes through them, the figures only being made of smoke. How much of this is genetic memory or is it all my imagination. It's getting warm in here, so many people surround me, why am I alone? They're talking, boldly at first but I can feel myself gain strength and they don't dare to even whisper. Animosity is growing, choking me. Everything is changing just out of my sight, there's a lust for blood. Mine? And theirs, the old ways are done, time for something new. Where'd they'd avoid my eyes, they're looking at me. I did what I had to, I don't regret what I've done. But their eyes stare, there are so many, too many, what can I do? I need to get away. Where can one already mistaken for dead go? Why couldn't they have let me live, I will live. It's decided, not by them, no. They don't get the satisfaction. I need to survive this, they'll never take me alive! The satisfaction will mine, and I will be the one to remain.
The rug burns beneath me, my heart is pounding in my ears and I can't catch my breath. My chest hurts, the cold pain stabing through my heart. What, what time is it? I can't get my bearing, I feel so dizzy. I'm going to vomit, I can feel the bile building in my throat. I raise myself to a sitting position and gasp in air. My glowing veins reflect on the walls, my room bathed in red light. As I breath, my heart slows, pacifying the angry color of light shining in ribbons on all the surfaces of my room.
Pointless dreams and feelings. I lay down again and cover my snout with my 3 fingered hands, covering my nose, sensors and eyes. It's not real, it's not real! I huff out a sigh.
How long was I asleep for? I reach out and touch the minds of the residents around me. Fai is not in her room, so it's during work hours, I need something more specific. No one is particularly concerned about the date and time. Perfect.
Taking in deep breaths, I prepare myself for the change. Ahhhhhh, still breath takingly painful. I pound my fist against the ground in a slow rhythm, and try to slow my aching heart to it. Instead of pushing out, I'm sucking in, fuck, I must have grown in my sleep. Once my spines pull into my back and it flattens our, I roll onto it and stare at the ceiling. Painful, but easier than before. I think this is something I could theoretically used to, with the decrease in effort being my proof. Lifting my now human shaped hand, I look at the appendiges there. Why five? Vein, muscle, bone, all in plant like structures. I shrug, Tom might know, but I'm more concerned with what time it is. Might as well take a walk while I'm at it, I suppose. Maybe I'll even go to work, surprise Fai... I smile, okay, yeah.
I put back on the clothes Fai had given me. Though I wore these all week, there's barely any grime on them. Human's naturally accumulate grime over the course of a day, my clothes are nearly as fresh as the day I'd recieved them. There's the faintest scent of the forest I'd hunted in on them, but it's beyond a human's ability to detect. Why does blending in have to be so difficult?
The last resident of the house is settling in to sleep when I make it outside, they glance at their clock, 8:25. At night or morning? The sky is a redish pink, morning maybe? With it 25 after, all the humans are in their clock work spaces. This routine is becoming, comforting. I always know when I'll run into someone, right now, the streets are clear once more.
Breathing in the familiar scent of the streets, I pick out Fai's, she's been gone longer then 8 hours. Must be working late. No life, no need for moral dilemma, I smile. This was the right decision, who needs a past when this is the present.
I walk into our building, taking my time, and after a quick glance into the window, I see why Fai hadn't returned. Slumped against the counter, still standing, but with her torso on the top and her head resting on her folded arms, Fai is fast asleep. Careful not to let the door alarm wake her, I sneak past her to grab an apron to drape over her shoulders. Her dreams are nightmares again, that's something we have in common.
No matter what she does, she can't get to an open hospital bed. The other human in her arms doesn't have an identity, but they are very important, and she needs to get them into surgery. Everytime she finds a bed available, by the time she gets to it, someone else is on it. My heart twinges ever so slightly, I want to help. I reach into her mind, and make an empty bed for her, I refuse all her minds attempts to fill it with anything else. She places her comerade onto it, and caresses their face. To her, it didn't matter which of her friends she'd saved, she's so grateful that at least one of them will make it. The bed gets whisked away, and she watches after it.
The manifestation of her "self" in the dream looks around, confused.
"Is someone there?" Fai mumbles. She lifts her head in a daze.
I quickly turn to what I hope is looking thoughtfully out the window. Did I move to fast? Maybe she never registered that I was looking at her in the first place. I was only staring platonically, I swear! A sigh breathes out of my nose, I'm too nervous to read her mind.
"Oh! Jared, you're back!" The relief in her voice is uplifting. "Are you ready to come back to work?"
Fai raises her eyebrows hopefully.
I scratch my chin,
"That depends, how long have I been gone?"
She laughs, an edge of hysteria to it. But when I don't join in, Fai slows into a confused giggle.
"Oh no," blood floods her cheeks, "You were serious!"
"What did you do?" She asks, "Sleep under a rock?"
I shrug, keeping my eyes focused on staring out the window, but I crack a rueful smirk,
"Something like that, I lay down and tried not to think about anything." Another half truth, "I wasn't able to keep track of time."
"Well," she starts, "It's been about a week since you started your break."
A week.
"Is that long for a break?" Why did I have to sleep for so long?
"Not really," Fai muses, "Most don't come back to work, for one reason or another."
Is that how long resting will take for me, from now on?
"Did something happen?" Fai's smile is gone, her eyebrows pressed together in concern.
I try to push down my internal dread at losing so much time to sleep and try to force a relaxed expression onto my face.
"Nothing in particular," I try to shrug noncomittedly, "Just some light reading is on my mind."
She nods,
"That's right, you did ask about myths, did you find a good one?"
I debate bringing myself up... but it can't hurt, I think?
"I don't think good is the right word." I roll my eyes dramatically, "Have you heard about the 'Destroyer of Mankind'?" I use air quotes with the phrase.
Her emotional reaction is like someone had just slapped her, Fai's face falls into one of fear. It changes instantly into one of a composed mask when my eyes widen.
"M-" She clears her throat, "Some call him the devourerer."
Fai holds an index finger up to lips and smirks,
"Don't tell anyone I told you that." Her eyes become hooded, "If you did, I'd have to kill you."
She winks slyly at me. It's not a threat, but it's not exactly untrue.
"The devourerer? What makes you say that?" I ask, my voice trembling. I close my fist on top of my leg, only then do I notice that it's bouncing.
"Well, it's said that he was from a different world and he only came here to devour the souls of humans." Her tone slowly changed into one that is half joking, trying to hide the memorization of this fact.
I swallow nervously, hopefully my nerves will be mistaken for fear.
"I read that a knight vanquished him though?" It's more of a question, I doubt any human could have killed me.
She places her hand back down on the counter,
"That's the thing," Fai is calmer now, I suppose I had only surprised her with my title drop. "The knight, if you can call him that, didn't kill the devourerer."
Fai pauses for dramatic effect. I'm at the edge of my seat, my breath is getting difficult to contain. My chest feels like it's waiting, waiting for that cold plunging sensation.
"The devourerer asked him to."
I close my eyes, I feel like I'm going to vomit again. Kill me I can hear myself say it. Do it, don't you want to be free? His husky distorted voice us in my head. Why, why would I ask him? My dreams. Everything falls into place. I killed the king, I was meant to rule, but the people revolted and drove me out. Instead of dying and becoming nothing, I had a human on this planet assist in my suicide. But why?
Shaking my head, I throw aside my terror, and open my eyes to look at Fai again.
"Do you know why?" I ask with more urgency then I should've.
Fai shrugs with one shoulder, concerned about my reaction to her information.
"Who knows what a monster thinks?"
Her statement stings. She hasn't guessed what I am, Fai wouldn't know that saying that would have any affect on me. Why choose to die, when I know I'm so terrified of it? The pain in my chest, I think I remember how it happened, I contain my shudder. Time to change the subject.
"Well I know what I'm thinking, that I'm excited to eat what your preparing next week." I smile at my own joke.
Oh no, that weird guy is rubbing off on me. She mirrors my smile,
"You remembered, you talk like an old man." She chuckles "I'm surprised you don't have wasting disease."
Acting taken aback, I place a hand on my chest, mortified,
"I never!" I guffaw, "My memory is unaffected, Miss Temür."
Fai blanches comically,
"That's my mother's name, and you know more than anyone, that I'm the Queen." She stares down her nose at me, her eyes narrowing haughtily.
"So, I'm the old man, and you're the queen?" I ask. "But I'm only three years old." I complain.
"You can do a lot in three years, I don't know." She waves a hand, "I don't know your life."
"You couldn't be more right about being wrong." I shrug. "Either way, what time did you want to leave?"
As she speaks she looks at her watch,
"At the end of my Oh Goddesses." Fai takes her apron off in a rush and picks up the one that I'd put over her shoulders from off of the floor. "As much as I love working here, I do need my time off."
Fai's watch chimes, alerting her to a caller. She looks at the face of her watch.
"It's my mother, do you mind going outside while I take this?"
Speak of the devil, I know her parents make her nervous. I nod in acknowledgement and quietly leave without another word. Her parents coming over for the holiday is important to her. Even outside of the booth, I can still hear her discussion with her mom. It feels rude, so I continue out of the building and wait for her out front. What would it be like, to have a mother? Based off of Fai, it's an incredibly stressful experience. And knowing how I was before I died, I doubt that I had a very good one.
It's strange that I haven't had any reactions to the word, I involuntary shrug. She must not be very important to me. At least, not as important as dying ad killing people had been. I still feel the urge to kill. My stomach is satisfied after eating that bear, but I'm still hungry. I beat the need down into the recesses of my mind, I'll deal with that annoyance later. Fai exits the ice cream parlor, her steps are quick and light. She bursts through the front door with excitement,
"They're coming!" She beams. "My dad and brother too!"
Her eyes sweep to my mouth, then with some confusion, to my eyes,
"When did you get taller?"
"I ate good during my time off," I wave a hand dismissively l, "More importantly, your whole family is coming? That's great!"
"Maybe I should have eaten more spinach while growing up, you're taller than me now." Fai grumbles.
Pouty but her pheromones are still bursting with glee.
"It's genetics," I play at reasoning with her, "And think about how old I am, I'm a three year old ancient man."
She nods, her smile returning.
"You are making some sense old man"
I smile,
"I try to."
Her mind registers the age change in my face, and Fai's heart skips a beat.
She mentally beats herself up,
'Too young! He might look 18, but he's still just a kid!'
"Your family though?" I try to pull her away from being to upset with herself.
"Yes," she looks away from me and walks in the direction of our apartments, "My mother is letting my dad and brother tag along."
"She was worried about them being in the city, they haven't gone through the same training as us." Fai rolls her eyes, "Don't get me started on that family rule, but since I can't come home and it is Diversion Day, she's willing to bring them here."
"Would you tell me about your family?" I ask.
"What do you want to know?" She replies, hesitant and guarded.
"Is your brother older or younger than you?" Is this an okay question to ask?
"Older," she chimes, "My family rarely has more than one child, but their first born was a boy."
"So, they had me." Fai finishes.
Why the female thing?
"I know what you're thinking." She states.
"Of course." I nod.
"But I can't tell you why girls are more important." Fai lifts a finger to her lips and give me a sideways glance, "It's a secret, and if I told you, I'd have to kill you."
"What if I want you to kill me?" I ask with a smirk, "Death would be preferable over this agony of not knowing."
I'm not all that curious, she can keep her secrets. I never plan on sharing mine, why would I demand hers?
She chuckles and shakes her head,
"You will have to live the rest of your life in agony," Fai shrugs "I don't make the rules."
"Besides, it's dumb."
I pause at the entrance to our apartments' gate outside the courtyard.
"Suit yourself, I'm dumb enough already without the help of dumb knowledge."
She smacks my arm, not very hard, but enough that a normal person would cringe. So I do, and rub the spot in shock.
"Don't talk down on yourself." She's completely serious, there's a fierceness in her eyes that I recognize from her thoughts of her lost friends. "It's not funny."
I raise my hands, submitting automatically.
"Okay, yeah, I won't."
Fai sighs, regretting being too confrontational,
"Look, everyone you run into, every single person is alive, and doing their best to stay that way. Being self depreciating is fine until you remember, someone died young only for you to treat your precious life as the butt of a joke." She folds her arms, "I-"
She shifts her feet uncomfortably,
"I'm sorry about being a buzzkill, I just,-" Fai avoids my eyes, "The death joke followed by you minimalising yourself struck a nerve. And it's not your fault."
This must be important to her, and she telling me what's exactly on her mind? I didn't need to read it to understand her. Is this trust? Does she trust me?
"It's okay," keeping the happiness out of my voice is a struggle, "I'll do better to not make those kinds of jokes in the future."
Fai smiles, still unable to meet my eyes.
"Thanks."
We stand there awkwardly at the front door for a moment. Talking again would feel weird now. Without any other alternative, I unlock the door and open it for her. She makes a beeline for the stairs,
"I need to make a list of ingredients I'll need to get for Diversion day."
This isn't right, it doesn't feel right,
"Hey Fai," I call out to her as she unlocks the stairwell, "Thank you for being honest with me, I kind of needed that."
I smile sheepishly at her back, she takes a steadying breath and looks at me. Fai smiles sadly at me, her eyes are starting to brim from tears,
"Anytime." She twirls around and flees up the stairs.
I lean against the wall in the entry hallway. What a mess, if I'd paid more attention to her ques... I pinch the bridge of my nose, fuck.
The smell of fresh pastries wafts into my nose, not quite done, but cooking in the matron's oven. Maybe it's time to pop in for a visit with her. I make my way into the living room adjacent to the kitchen. Skimming through her thoughts, I confirm the treats are for us. At least, for the people living in her building.
Walls of the kitchen are painted a lovely shade of red, lace curtains adorn the singular bricked up window above the black marble of the sink. There are yellowing hand drawn parchment pictures done by what I'd assume to be children of the tennents. Since her own grandkids don't seem to visit her. I haven't heard them in the month I've lived here. She reads a book made from more parchment paper, carefully flipping the ancient pages.
I gently knock on the door, and lean against it to appear less threatening. She glances up and starts anyway.
"Heavens!" She stands and places the book down on a counter, bustling over to where I stand. "What are you eating?"
She proudly pats my face in both her hands. Her freely touching me brings a smile to my face, and her eyes soften in response.
'I am so happy I took him in, seeing him grow past the scared little boy in my doorstep is payment enough.'
Her mind mingles my face with others she'd similarly brought in when she was much younger not realizing that I haven't been here long enough to have physically grown so much.
"Lots of protien." I reply with a wink.
"Now now," She titters, "A growing boy needs his vegetables too."
Releasing her soft grip on me, she returns to the oven, bending down to look inside. Pleased, she straitens up and returns to her chair with a pained huff. Even with her modified body I can hear her bones pressing together, grinding away what little cartilage she has left in her knees.
I stay where I am in doorway, taking in the ordinary scene of a middle aged woman in her kitchen. This is a memory I want to keep. So supremely human. Tom had dozens of memories of him in this situation, sitting in the kitchen with his dad, cooking and baking. Now I have a memory of it all my own, without the guilt as to how I acquired it. The pastries don't smell particularly good, but it completes the atmosphere of the moment.
"Kids these days," she looks up at me, "You're all getting taller, aren't you?"
I can't speak for human children, I know one of the experiments at the lab was to reverse the effects of growth hormones done to a squadron of children. What had caused countless animal species to grow larger and stronger, had given all the kids various forms of aggressive cancer. But that's not something you can casually throw out during small talk, and shrug in reply. She puts the tips of her fingers to her mouth, concentrating on a memory that is just escaping her grasp.
The oven beeps, she is unmoved, focused on remembering what she's forgotten. While she's off in her own mind, I sneak around her to the oven. I haven had a chance to touch anything hot before, and my curiosity is getting the better of me. Listening to her thoughts I confirm that she's not paying attention to me, instead she's becoming frustrated with herself. Pulling the oven drawer out, I take the pan off of it... and feel no reaction. The pan feels warm, but it isn't burning my skin, it feels really nice actually. I want to rub my face on this hot pan, but I push down the urge and place it down onto a waiting rag on the counter top.
Going back to my place at the doorway, I put my still warm hand onto my face. It's not the same, but still makes the scales on my head stand up. The oven timer goes off again, successfully pulling the Matron out of her revere.
"Oh no, oh heavens." She rushes to the drawer, yanking it open and finding it empty. It takes her a moment to register the waiting pastries on the countertop. She puts two in two together.
"That you for doing that," she smiles at me with relief. "I would have burned them all."
She unstuck one from the pan with a fork and delicately walks it over to me,
"Here you go." Lifting it up to me.
I can't say no, not when she's been to good to me. "Careful-" I accept it with what I think a genuine smile feels like.
"-it's hot." Her eyes widen slightly at my hand.
Groaning internally, I give a "delayed reaction" to its heat, when all I want to do is hold this goey mess to my face.
"Goddesses!" I swear, "You're right."
She snorts in disappointment,
"You're too young for that kind of language, now out before the others notice I'm giving you special treatment."
"Yes Ma'am." I happily trot over to the staircase, and am reminded of my conversation with Fai.
I immediately return to the kitchen, "Would you be willing to give me another? On a plate?"
She turns around, fork in hand, looking ready to smack me with it.
"Please," I add, "Fai wasn't having a great day."
Her face melts once again,
"A special circumstance does deserve special treatment."
She put another with extra fako-chips in it onto a plate, and rushes me out of the kitchen, insinuating threats if she finds me in there again tonight.
I hold my pastry in my mouth when punching in the code and take the stairs two steps at a time. When getting to my floor, I have an idea. Taking off my shoe, I unlock my door and use it to keep it open. Placing the pastry in front of Fai's door, I loudly knock on it and scurry into my room, taking the shoe with me. I'm listening to her reaction from the safety of my room.
Fai reluctantly looks through her peephole, her curiosity being perked at not seeing anyone. After a moment of listening to the crack of her own door for breathing, she cautiously opens her door to the pastry. With a careful sniff of the pastry, she retreats deeper into her room to enjoy the treat while balancing her expenses.
YOU ARE READING
Inside the Fire
General FictionAn ancient evil reborn, the answers he seeks to faded memories may unknowingly awaken old (genocidal) habits.
