Inside the Fire

Chapter 24: Palpitations

Is anyone even ever going to read this?

Dreams are a human expiriance, so why am I here? There's someone there, like a word at the tip of my tongue. Whatever it is, I can't find it. A thumping noise, ah, it's my heart.

My eyes open in the familiar room, my clawed hands clenched into fists. Ungh, my head hurts. I need to get up and get my blood flowing. There's no telling how long I've slept if I just lay here, doing nothing. Fai's apartment sounds empty, no thoughts, no heartbeat. She has no hobbies, aside from work... so that must be where she is.
I look for her, stabing my conciousness out in the direction of the shop, and after finding nothing, I spread out my search. A creeping sensation of panic tugs at the fringes of my brain. Had something happened to her? But, oh, there she is. Fai kneels in the basin of ashes, meditating on her fallen friends.
My curiosity has me making the long walk to where she is. She's dedicated to staying there, and reaching anyone she's lost. I can feel her heart aching through our connection, and I shove it aside. I can't afford to be dragged down with her into hopelessness.
Looking out over the pit of ashes, I can see the souls trapped in it. Without a proper send off, they writhe to escape the basin. How had I not seen them before? A crowd of souls gather around Fai in a thoughtless stupor. Seeing all the trapped souls here, I can somewhat understand why humans avoid this place. Even with a plac promising never to forget, anyone that looks at this place would be infected with it's sadness and longing. All these souls, forgotten and abandoned. Contrary to human belief, you don't need a body to send a soul off. And anything you'd do in memory of the soul as a way to say goodbye, would be sufficient.
Even dead, souls want to be loved. Here is a concourse of forgotten dead humans, damned until someone releases them. They hover around the one living human in their midst. When I step down into the ashes, the souls scatter, even they can recognize a predator. I roll my eyes, I have all the power I need. These souls do not need to fear me converting them into more power. They are safe from me.
I walk over to Fai, her eyes are shut lightly, and is on her knees. I bend to look at her face closely. Where to souls had sensed their demise, her face is serene. This is an expression I have never seen close up. People rarely feel at ease around me, I frown. She's concentrating so completely, maybe I should let her complete her meditation. I stifle a sigh, and make space between us, sitting criss-crossed off to her side. Waiting isn't a specialty of mine, but patience is required if I want to rule. Whereas, I had needed to control my anger against Mahonri, now I need to control my boredom.
Patience doesn't come easily to me and I find myself practicing the letters I'm my language. Reading wasn't part of my upbringing, what words and letters I know were ones those who knew how to read would think around me. And since I'd implanted Mahonri's soul back into his body, I no longer have access to his memories. I just know that bastard can read. My hand swipes through the symbols in my momentary frustration.
Sitting like this is setting me on edge, I need to do something.
Fai's eyes open and she jumps at my appearance in front of her.
"What are you doing here?"
Practicing patience.
"To see you." I shrug, I keep my eyes on the sand, drawing words into it again.
"To see me?" She annunciates every word in her confusion.
"That's what I said." My voice is dry.
"Why?" She asks.
"Why not?" I reply.
"Why not?!" She guffaws, "I'm insignificant, aren't I? Why seek me out specifically?"
Maybe I'll tease her, the corner of my mouth quirks up.
"You being insignificant is something we can both agree on." My mouth opens into a half smile. I glance up at her.
Fai's forhead has turned red, her lips are pursed, afraid to say something she'll regret?
I roll my eyes and scatter the ashes again, casually this time.
"Your sense of importance doesn't matter to me," I hold my hand, palm up. "You are here, so I'm here." Another shrug.
"I don't think I'll ever understand you." Fai mutters under her breath.
She underestimates my ability to hear, but she's not wrong. I frown, this is new. Fai likes to tell me what I should be, does that stem from her not comprehending me? I scratch the underside of my chin, thoughtful.
"You may be the person that knows me best." I reply.
Her eyes widen, and her cheeks flush faintly at being overheard.
A grin spreads accross my face,
"Normally I don't like being underestimated," I tilt my head back, apprasing her, "But it's not awful that you assume I was normal, even if it was only my hearing."
Fai raps her arms around her face, covering it, but her ears still show scarlet.
I watch her stiff posture, I think I like teasing her. It's not good for her mental health, but I like how she reacts. It helps me feel less... other.
"Would you show me around the city?" I let my eyes drift off of her.
"I thought you were leaving soon?" Her voice is muffled under her arms.
Right,
"I only told Mahonri that to put him in his place. An empty threat, really."
She lifts her head up from her arms,
"That was a threat?"
I nod.
Fai hesitates, thinking about our body language towards eachother.
"Why do you hate him?"
My brows lower into a scowl and I look at her, eyes narrowed.
"He's annoying."
Fai flicks her hand in the air, as if to swat away my comment,
"There's more to it than that." She insists.
The scales disguised as hair stand up on the back of my neck.
"What more could there be?" I snap.
Fear flits accross her face, shit. I glare at her, my nostrils flared and stand up. I turn my back to her and practice calming breaths while scratching at the raised hairs on the back of my neck and head. When I have a better handle on my tone, I answer her with more control. "Don't push me on that, please."
It's up to her whether or not she listens, as least I was polite. My teeth grind together.
"Okay." Fai whispers, aquiescing.
Now restless, I pace.
"Obviously we cannot return to the museum, are there other human pursuits we can do?" My voice comes out in a rush.
Fai's eyes unfocus, and refocus onto me and she blinks rapidly.
"You're being serious."
"Of course I am." I exaggerate every word.
"Jared," her nose scrunches up, "I don't get out often, if I 'take you out on the town', it will be a first for me too."
"Right," I rub my eyes, "You're a shut in for most of the time."
"What was the point to leaving your family, if you aren't going to live?" I question.
She frowns,
"There's more to life than running around town you know."
"Sure," I say dismissively, "But you haven't done those either, have you?"
She scoffs and stumbles gor words.
I-I have done stuff!"
"Reeeaaally?" My eyebrows raise, "I can smell, you've done nothing, recently."
"Don't smell me!" Fai fumes, "It's bad enough I can't have a private thought, now you're sticking your nose on my private business!"
Private business?
"I don't follow?" I cock my head to the side.
Fai flushes a deep red,
"You're telling me, you didn't mean..?" Her eyes fix themselves to the ground, "Please don't make me say it outloud."
"Contrary to what you said, I don't keep constant tabs on your mind." But now she HAS made me curious.
Against her wishes, I taste the smells coming off of her. Embarrassment, horror, attraction, and nervousness.
"If it's all the same to you, your smell isn't all that different from other humans." I comment.
"Whatever." She mumbles, continuing to avoid my eyes.
I decide not to press her, I'd made the same request of her, hadn't I? On top of everything I am guilty of, I'll try to keep my hypocrisy to a minimum.
Changing the subject slightly,
"Well, what did you want to do, when you were a little human?"
"Hmm," relief for the different line of questioning let's her face return to it's more normal color. "I wanted to be a princess, and sit in my castle all day."
I groan,
"You can't be serious."
She exhales through her nose sharply,
"I was raised to be a valiant knight, remember? I spent my whole life in rigorous training."
Fai scowls,
"Of course I dreamed of a day I could do nothing."
Between the training I had to do myself to retain my position as a prince, as well as all the assassination attempts, I don't think I spent a single moment of peace on my homeworld. Her childhood dreams were unrealistic and she's dodging my question.
"What else?" I demand.
"I wasn't raised to want anything, okay?" She goes back to avoiding looking at me. "I already got what I wanted, the only thing I ever wanted."
Freedom from her family's legacy. Underwolds below, a simple sight seeing question turns back to old hurts does it? Wait, maybe that's what I want? Something about choosing to do nothing has a certain appeal. I've spent my entire life racing towards one goal, maybe it's time I took a break.
Being dead wasn't break enough? No, no it wasn't. I was aware the entire time, I had nothing but time to think and ensnare whoever grabbed onto my blade. Still working, even after my heart stopped
Fai watches me with curiosity after I had remained silent for some time.
"I think, I would like to do nothing." My voice is unsure.
Fai thinks to herself,
"I don't see it, are you capable of relaxing?"
"What do you mean?" My eyebrows lower. "I'm relaxed now, aren't I?"
She makes a face at me, as if I'd proven her point. I sigh,
"Look, staying in one place and not planning ahead isn't relaxing for me. I like knowing what comes next."
"Many people feel that way," her voice is gentle, so I calm my bristling, "They, like you, need to learn how to take time for themselves."
She gestures with a hand,
"Practicing being okay with doing nothing can be helpful."
It can be helpful, I tilt my head and scratch under my chin. How does being comfortable with doing nothing helpful?
"What do you mean?" I ask.
"The need to constantly perform has been seen as a possible outcome of childhood trauma," she explains, "Something about wanting to please an aloof or abusive parent."
Of course it's some human head talk, but maybe...
"I can see why you would think it would benefit me." My teeth are clenched but my disdain is carefully in check. "You haven't gotten a higher education have you?"
"No..?" It's her turn to be confused.
"It's that, you talk like you know more than you do." I smirk, taunting her.
"Why are you deflecting? And questioning my intelligence was the best you could do?" Her mouth sets into a stern line.
Ah, she's confronting me directly.
"Deflection? More big words?" I chuckle.
"You are unbelievable." Fai grumbles.
She brushes her jeans off and pulls at her white button down shirt, uncomfortable.
"You can stay here, abusing random people for your entertainment, or we can go for a walk and find something to do." Fai's voice is patient, "Because sitting here being insulted is not my idea of a good time."