Inside the Fire

Chaper 12: Hollow

Songs to listen to: Viva la Vida/Something Beautiful

    There must be a back door to the building, I might find a scent to follow from there. I follow the edges of the building, searching for some other way out. To my dismay, I come to the next building over before I can find an exit. Even still, I see a ramp emerging from the building's side that connects to the street at my side. From the smell of it, the human's vehicles use this. If this building has one on it's side, maybe mine will as well.
I walk with purpose to the other side of the building I had been kept in. The emptiness of the space around me makes me uncomfortable, I still "hear" the thoughts of the people in the buildings, but their natural sounds are muffled by the thickness of the buildings' walls all around me. To a human, this space would be silent, a close comparison I can think of, are of when Tom's family would vacation at a mountain, the resort blanketed in snow. No one watches me as I walk, that should be putting me at ease, but I didn't realize I was going to miss the awkward eye sweeps I'd noticed from the last time I'd explored outside.
I round the corner and fight the relief that flushes through me, the ramp is there, but I might not be able to use it anyway. They are so careful about their living spaces, with all of the safety measures they have in place. But I also doubt that they have any for people like me. Memories of the half eaten humans contradict that sentiment, whatever had done that hadn't left a lasting scent and the thought of running into whatever it was isn't appealing. It had escaped the lab, just like me, but maybe unlike me, they had relocated it? No, even if they did, they wouldn't keep it in a building that had already been compromised.
Without any cars or living people around, I jump over the side wall of the ramp and run up it to large metal shutters. There is a key pad to the side of the door, along with a slot for a card, a finger print reader and a DNA scanner. I was right to doubt that this would be useful, I cannot communicate with their technology. It took a good part of a month for me to give up on shutting the cameras off in my white prison. After having no effect over them, I'd resigned to having no privacy. Aware of the electrical currents they hummed with, but unable to redirect them. I can wait for the time when human's swap places, but I've exposed myself enough for today, I'll need a plan if I want to get in. I also have no idea if this place even has any info on me!
After scratching my head in frustration, conflicted, I glare at the metal wall. That's it then, I turn away from the giant metal door, giving up on finding truth from the building I was reborn in.

I had tried and failed to sleep another night, I don't think I'll be able to keep the same sleep schedule humans do, although I am exhausted. It's self inflicted, I know it's because I've been human for to long. I'm so stiff, I stretch my back and feel my vertebrae poping back into place. I wait for Fai in the lobby again, she had gotten up early today, I can smell her sweat in the foyer, she had gone for a run this morning. Is it appropriate that I know so much about her living habits? It feels creepy to know, I wish I could give her better privacy, but my senses continue to be as strong as ever. No one that passes by me knows that me shifting uncomfortably in the lobby is because I can't help but hear her take a shower, as well as a human a floor below her releases themselves arduously.
Unlike the morning before, she bounces down the steps, the run had obviously put her in a better mood, I cant6help but smile at her internal humming. Would a run make me feel less loathsome? Or is existential dread to strong an emotion to fix with some endorphins? My smile is rueful now, why does everything I think always so cynical. It takes a moment for my expression to register in her mind, and she pauses in her approach.
"Does it smell bad over there?", her tone sounding like she's half joking.
"Ah, no-" I rearrange my face into an awkward smirk, "I'm not looking forward to work today."
A touch of worry marks her brow, her thoughts betray that she is afraid she's going to need to get a new coworker.
"Since we were so busy yesterday!" I rush the words, they have more urgency than I had originally planned.
A perplexed smile folds out from the worry in her brow, her eyes curious. A suspicion that I could read her thoughts crosses her mind, and I try not to show my alarm. "Reason" wins over quickly in her head, after all, stories she'd heard growing up were just fairy-tales.
So she does know about things like me? I got a brief glimpse at what she considers to be fairy-tales, elves, magical users and a possessed demon sword. All of which had the ability to read minds. But seeing that I'm not over 7 feet with horns, that rules out elves, that my eyes don't glow while using magic to read her thoughts dashes the magic user and seeing that I'm not made out of metal rules out the last. She feels foolish even entertaining the idea. It makes her sad, feeling foolish, and a little guilty. An older looking couple's eyes been with pride at her, but there's an uncertainty about the image. I want to go into her mind and see the meanings behind her thoughts, but it's an invasion of privacy that I have sworn not to use unless absolutely necessary.
She stares at me expectantly, oh no, did she ask me a question? I blink several time, trying to convey tiredness and rub my eyes with my hand. While running through my own memories, if she had said something, my ears would've heard it even if I wasn't paying attention. No, she hadn't asked me a question, I open my eyes, it could be that I'm standing in the middle of the hallway. I walk over to the door, and open it for her,
"After you?" I ask.
She walks past me, the curiosity in her eyes again, Fai might know more than she's let on. I can't keep making mistakes like that, enough of those and even an idiot can figure out that I'm other. All it took for her was one, minor one. Or is she cataloging all of my slips? If she is, she's not consciously doing it. Everything surface layer being broadcasted is only innocent curiosity for the odd teenager she's helping get into the world. I avoid her eyes, I'm failing at being able to hide myself.
I follow behind Fai, I don't feel like making conversation with her today, not after this morning. It's not up to me I guess, I need to talk to her. There's directions to a library, the fairy-tales that she knows. But what if they're common knowledge? My heart sinks, I'll need to lie again. I've spent the walk looking at nothing in particular, after a few failed attempts at talking to me, Fai hasn't bothered me. I glance over at her now, her eyes are straight forward, her mind is on an important meal coming up soon, the same old couple is intermixed. They must be her family, her guilt about them is obvious, but not why she feels guilty about them. The dinner has some sort of human cultural significance, I think I recognize it from the minds of the scientists from last year. At the time, I hadn't cared, I don't know if that'sstill the case. A holiday, a human holiday, should that hold any significance to me?
It's nice that she doesn't linger on me, even though I've been rude and weird, she's already moved on to other things. Even as I walk next to her, trying to think of ways to decieve her into telling me the information I want to know. I don't want to trick it out of her, I will try something else first. I won't result to lying as a first resort, but only if it becomes necessary.
Exhaustion from this form, hunger from not being able to eat anything, my patience isn't what it needs to be to handle this. I can feel myself growing more angry at my situation, and the necessity for deception. Why couldn't I have been born a human? Life is so simple for them. They even have people to tell them what to say and even what to think on occasion. I hiss out a sigh, what I wouldn't give to live normally with them.
Fai unlocks the door and goes back to her place behind the counter,
"Do you want to tell me what's bothering you?" Her question, so natural for her to ask, is not so easily answered.
I continue to avoid her gaze, unable to lift myself out of my current mood,
"It's nothing," I stand in the middle of the room, and shove my hands into my pockets, "Nothing that I'm comfortable with talking about today." I close my eyes against a headache building behind my eyes.
She takes that in with silence, formulating the next thing she says carefully,
"Okay, you don't have to say anything, but I'm here in case you need it."
I groan internally at her plain honesty, she really means it. She genuinely wants to help people, she's a good person, why is she the one that I need answers from?
"Could-" I swallow, trying not to get emotional, "Would you distract me? Would you tell me a fairy-tale?" As awful as I feel, I need to stay focused.
'A fairy-tale? Can he hear my thoughts?" Her thoughts are spoken outloud, and unconscious effort to see if I would react to them.
"Do you have a preference?" Her voice is gentle.
"No," I shake my head, and pinch my nose while rubbing at my eyes, "It doesn't matter." As long as she starts somewhere.
I feel for the booth I had sat in yesterday, and continue to massage my face. So human, but my skin feels wrong, tougher and silky at the same time. I can change the color and size of my scales, but not the feel.
She goes into a story about the elves, an alien like species that had horns and an unearthly beauty that had driven many members of mankind insane.
"All you needed to do was look to deep into their wide eyes and your mind would be lost. Even though they were terrible to look at, how strange and dangerous their beauty was, they were still incredibly gentle creatures."
Fai tells me the story about one particular one that had taken a mortal for a lover,
"They spent many years together, but their love had started to go out, the mortal had longed to stare into their beloved eyes, but the elf would always come to them with them tightly bound." She pauses, trying to think of a nicer way to tell the next part,
"Others in the village had called the hum.n crazy, to be with someone whose eyes they didn't know the color of. So one night, when the elf had fallen asleep, the mortal carefully removed the binds and gently woke their lover by calling their name. The elf opened their eyes, not knowing the horror they were about to cause, and their sat the metal, inches away. It was the first the elf had seen their lover, they were overwhelmed with emotion, while the mortal spiraled down into madness. The mortal became catatonic, unable to anything except how lovely their lover was, their eyes open wide, but fixed on nothing. The elf wept tears of blood, unable to cry like us. They wiped the blood in runes across their loves face, and turned them into a most magnificent bird." Fai pauses, collecting herself for a moment, and continues.
"When daylight broke, the elf knew who had poisoned the mind of their love, and sent the bird to collect the eyes of those that had caused the mortal to betray reason. With the eyes adorning the elf like a jeweled necklace, the elf and bird left the village, never to return again."
Are all fairy-tales tragedies? My head still hurts, but the pain in my stumach and muscles has ebated. I can think almost rationally again.
"I'm sorry that I'm not better at telling stories." Her face is red, her voice rough with embarrassment.
"It was good," I try a comforting tone, "I don't know aPedro? lot of fairy-tales and that one was new to me, thank you."
The blush gets redder in her cheeks, blooming further down into her neck. She's uncomfortable, I'll try distracting her this time.
"Why was the human turned into a bird?" I ask, trying to sound joking.
Fai purses her lips,
"I think in school it was taught as a metaphor, even though the human lost their mind, they didn't lose their freedom?" She shrugs.
Right, a feeling almost like remembering rushes through me, humans have some belief that wings are like freedom. If I were to kill something with wings, would I be able to fly? I shake my head,
"What about sending their lover turned bird to collect the eyes of the people that had tricked them? Isn't that a little cruel?"
Fai chews on the corner of her mouth,
"The story is up to interpretation, why do you think they sent the bird to collect the eyes?" She raises an eyebrow.
Dangit, she's distracted from her embarrassment, but now I need to come up with something that doesn't help give me away.
"Hm," I mumble, showing that I plan on answering and giving me time to think, "I think the elf just didn't like humans in general, and used the bird to punish them in a way they thought was poetic."
Fai frowns,
"That's very pessimistic view," she blinks, "Are you saying you wouldn't do something similar? If people knowingly hurt someone you care about?"
Retribution. Tom had asked me to do it, but I wasn't very attached to him either. I didn't want to kill him, he was kind of important to me in the time leading up to his death, but now that I'm aware of the shear amount of humans on this world, I know he was far from unique. That feels like a disservice to him, but no, I refuse to think it's okay to harm those that have slighted me. I almost want to laugh at my own thought, I have a sense that I'm not quite in my own body, and I'm laughing at myself. The experience passes so fast I can't be sure that it happened. Why do I have the feeling that I'm being niave? And why is it funny?
"Isn't there enough suffering?" I state, "Why would I want to add to it?"
I feel a little sick, and off balance, how much of what I'm experiencing is inside my head? How much is a chemical reaction my body is having from starving myself?
"I guess, but all fairy-tales have endings like this." She shrugs, "It makes them feel more realistic for the average populace."
She gets out a cone from a cupboard behind her, and puts a scoop of butterscotch ice cream with toffee bits, decorating it with dark chocolate syrup. Fai digs in with a sample spoon, is that allowed? Without any customers, no one is here to witness her abuse of power.
"Do you want one?" Fai eyes her tiny blue spoon with disinterest.
After last time, I'm hesitant to try any of the ice cream this place sells. But this could be a chance to help me regulate myself during stressful situations. It's very inconvenient to heat up every time I become upset. One issue though, Fai would see my reaction. This time may be different though, I know what to expect this time.
"Sure?" That sounded like a question.
Fai laughs at me,
"It won't kill you," she gets out another cone, "Or it might. Only way to know is to try."
She hands me the cone, a solitary scoop of frozen white cream with black specks. It smells like vanilla... and desperation. She's right, the only way for me to learn control is to try. I take steady breaths, monitoring my heart rate, and close my eyes before giving it a cautious lick.
"You are so weird." Fai murmers as she attends to her own cone, happily consuming it.
But I'm on fire, my heart is fighting my control, if she had been paying closer attention to me, she'd see me shuddering. My veins contract agent my will, my mouth feels dry, and all my concentration is making my headache worse. Other than that, it tastes pretty good. It is vanilla, but I can also taste the different chemicals that make up the "cream". Human's have perfected making things taste like what they're supposed to mimic. With animal's endangered, the only realistic next step was to mimic everything they used to be able to provide. My taste buds aren't much better than a human's. I only know this is multiple different plant extracts tempered with chemicals because of my nose.
It's difficult, like holding onto something squishy that's covered in oil. Difficult, but not impossible. I'm able to keep my face from heating up, I'm able to keep the heat lower. Breaking through this barrier, dies it prove that control is possible? Succeeding at this means that I don't need to fall prey to my own desires. I bite into the icecream and immediately regret it. Not only do I hate the sensation of hundreds of thousands of tiny ice particles scraping against my teeth, but the influx of caffeine makes my heart unmanageable. My face is getting hot, too hot. I turn away to look out of the window, it's not reflective on our side. Fai would have seen how monstrous I look.
The cells in my body are rebelling, they scream for control, I put my hands beneath the table in the booth, the icecream, now melting. My skin is no longer a natural human hue right now, but why isn't Fai reacting? Her head is turned toward me, from what I can see of her perception of me, she barely sees me at all. I'm in a blind spot of her vision, but that can't be right, can it? I still sit in the booth accross from her. There may be more to my presence than I thought. Are human's able to percieve me when I'm shifting from one form to another? No, the scientists always saw, what has changed since then?
"How is it?" Her voice is soft, her eyes are miles away from the present.
So easily asked, not so easily answered,
"It's good." I lie, it hurts to eat, but she wasn't asking that, I guess it's the truth? The icecream does taste good.
She smiles wistfully, still not able to look at me directly, but unaware of her inability to do so. Fascinating.
"I thought you'd like it, it's the plainest flavor we have." Shock tinges her tone, "Oh, I don't think you're plain though, I just thought that since you have an old fashioned style you'd like a simpler taste"
'Why did I say that? It was so rude.' Fai mentality repremands herself.
I'm not doing it, she's not completely aware of the effects of whatever it is that's going on around me.
"I'm sorry," she apologizes, "That was rude to say."
She's looking at me now, and sure enough, I look human again. Did I unconsciously do something? My heart still hammers, but not hard enough to cause me discomfort. It feels nice, in an energizing way. With how sensitive my taste buds are... it's kind of a good thing that she thinks I'm plain. Finally something good is coming from wearing Tom's old clothes. What am I going to do with the clothes?
With an increase in my heart rate, my adrenaline is spiking. My body is reacting to the caffeine the same way it would with any negative stimuli. Like a knife in my chest.
"Yeah, that was rude." I start, practicing breathing, "But I understand, I'm inexperienced, the vanilla bean was a good call."
My words have the intended affect, she sighs with relief from the possible faux pas.
"How did you know it was vanilla bean?" Fai's attention has returned to her cone.
This is easily answered,
"It smells like it." I answer matter-of-factly.
"Smells like it?" Fai huffs a chuckle, "You are so weird, why not 'it tastes like it'."
Child of Neph, why does she read into everything I say?
"It's okay to be weird!" Fai's mind is self conscious, she'd seen the fall in my mood, "It's better, really. You aren't boring to be around."
I'd rather be boring, I'd rather I bore humans so much that they don't want to pay any attention to me. Instead here I am, being an individual that has a perceptive human's undivided attention.
"I don't want to be, I want to be normal." I mutter.
She walks around the counter and crouches by me, Fai places a hesitant hand on my forearm.
"You are normal." Her voice is fervent, "You are your normal, if you describe flavors by smells that's okay. You don't need to try so hard to fit in, this is a safe space." She squeezes my arm, her eyes are kind.
As much as I want to believe her, the history of humans negates everything she says. Humans have been culling the 'different and 'other' since the beginning of their existence. Even in the story she told, the towns people had pushed their fellow human into madness because of the different relationship they shared. I am not human, I am other. The normal she's talking about doesn't apply to me. I can't be my normal, I don't really know what I am.
"Thanks," I can hear my tone in her head, I'm trying to sound grateful, but there's an underlying tone of regret. Regret that I have to repay her kindness with deceit. "I needed to hear that."
I can't look her in the eye, I bring my melted cone above the table. Her eyes are drawn to it,
"How did that happen?"
'I won't push him, he doesn't want to talk about it. He's definitely a child from a broken family. I can't imagine being a child that would never get a chance to fight in the wars. That must would be aweful.'
She raises her hand from my arm and holds it out to take the sticky mess. "I'll get you a napkin."
The paper is glued to the cone, the cone is almost a squished mess. I give it to her and stare at the sticky sweetness on my hand.
"Don't even think about it." Her voice commands.
Fai stands up to throw my cone in the garbage, "Don't you dare lick that mess off of your hands, now that is gross and unforgivable." There's a hint of a joke in her voice, but her thoughts are serious.
"What else do you expect me to do?" I complain, attempting to hold back a smile, "Walk around with a filthy hand?" I finish with mock horror.
"Goddesses forbid!" She says, shocked. "It would ruin your reputation!"
"Exactly." A genuine smile spreads accross my face, "What would the children say?"
"The world would be in chaos." She wets a clean rag at a sink in the back and tosses it to me. I catch it easily, she has good aim.
"Thank you."
I wipe the mess off my hand, I have the urge to smell the cloth, but fight it off. It smells different now, being wet brings out subtle smells in everything, and I'm curious to find out what they could be with this object. But I decided to try to be normal, at the very least, while she's watching, and lob it back over the counter. It lands nearly on her shoulder, she removes it and after balling it up, tosses it too into the garbage. If I'd known that that's where it needed to go.... then again, knowing would be telling on my part.
Almost as though she can hear my thoughts,
"We have to 'sanitize' anything that comes in contact with any sort of contaminants. It's easier to replace a rage than it is to pay off a lawsuit."
I didn't know human's still get sick? Even cancer is curable, well, most types of cancer. They still didn't know how to stop types that weren't discovered, or types that afflict the poor. If you don't have the funds for the cure, your next best course of action would be to hire a lawyer to write your will. So much wealth, this world is choking on it. Only by the culling of the younger generations is it able to limp along. I wonder how much longer it can carry on for? With how everything appears, humanity can't last much longer.
Fai asked me a question, her discomfort at either my silence or the subject of the question has her twitching uncomfortably.
"What was that?" I ask sheepishly.
She unconsciously plays with her hair,
"Does that mean, you don't have family to celebrate Diversion day?".
Diversion Day? Oh right. The holiday.
"No, I don't." True, and easily said. Even if I do have family, I doubt a day celebrating the fictitious separation of a Goddess would apply to my species. "I've never celebrated it before." I shrug, another truth.
"Why not?" She says, horrified.
"There was never a need to..." I drift off.
The human's that had cared for me, they didn't see a need to celebrate any holidays with their "work project". Fai struggles internally, I practice patience and do my best not to listen to her thoughts.
"If- if you wanted to, you could come over after I had mine?"
I raise my eyebrows, why would she invite me over? Isn't it about the importance of family?
"You shouldn't have to spend the day alone." She finishes.
The thought that I would be alone, makes her genuinely sad. But why should she care? Fai barely knows who I am, and everything she does know is a lie. I let myself hear what she's thinking, giving into my selfish curiosity.
'It's not right for anyone to be alone. After so many of my friends have died, I understand that feeling to well.' She thinks wistfully.
Her friends? We are not friends, I don't think? The way her mind recoiled from the memories attached to the words, I'd be an idiot if I thought she thinks we are friends. Do I want to be her friend? Is it fair to her to have a friend like me? It's so wrong, and incredibly vain to think that she might want to be, I do want to be her friend. I wouldn't be so alone with one.
I've decided, I will do my best to earn her kindness, I will give back what she's able to give me. I refuse to be a parasite to her happiness. I blink and smile,
"I'd be happy to, but that isn't until after the Years end declaration, right?"
This smile doesn't hurt, it's not a lie, or shameful, and she recognizes the difference. All the anxiety she had been holding from her indecisiveness to invite a stranger into her home melts away. To her, it's like she's finally able to see me. Fai smiles in response,
"Well, you'retechnically not wrong, but who cares about Yed. Are you sure you won't mind waiting up?" Memories of late nights picking up after the event flicker in her mind.
"Not at all," I withdraw from listening to her, "You were kind enough to invite me over in the first place, and there's always the possibility that I will make other friends to spend the day with."
    Fai rolls her eyes at the implication and we finish the day discussing the food she plans to cook for her parents. She has a few younger siblings, but they are unable to make it out into the city. Her eyes drooped with sadness and regret, I'm growing to not like it when she has these looks.
Today I walk her to the our living quarters, but stop outside the gate.
"Aren't you coming in?" Her eyebrows pull together.
"I'm going to a library." My relief in it's truth is marred by the realization that I forgot to ask her where one was.
But, with knowing how human minds work, she might think where the nearest one is.
"Are you going to the one in Building C12 on 4th and 30067th?" She interrupts my thoughts before I can invade her privacy again. More relief.
"Yes." I smile, "How did you know?"
She chuckles,
"You get this concentrated look right before you ask a question, I thought I'd spare you the trouble."
Uhhhhhh, what?
Fai steals herself and clenches her teeth, as though she's made a mistake.
'Stupid, people hate it when you guess what they're thinking.' She screams at herself.
Don't react to her thoughts, don't react to her thoughts, I chant.
"Thank you," I try to look sheepish, "I'll see you tomorrow then. Same time?"
She nods, her face worried.
"See you tomorrow."