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» the five stages of grief ( 12/28/20 )

hey so this poem mentions, if not deals heavily, with: 

- toxic friendships

- suicide
- emotional abuse, manipulation
- self harm

- death

this is based off of a real life experience.

so be warned !!

--

one. denial.

he stops talking on the twenty-eighth of december. it is a point from last year i remember most vividly, a point between here and gone. shaking hands and furrowed brows, crouching in the back of my room "he blocked me," i whisper, and wonder why in the safety of my mind. he blocked me. why did he block me?

and i am not mad, but i am confused. two days ago he told me ((reminded me)) that his brother killed himself while he couldn't do anything but watch. and two weeks ago he told me that his mom hit him, and he wrote suicide notes and never acted on them. and a month ago, i got rid of a stalker for him.

he didn't block me, i tell myself. i tell myself he has been hacked. i would not be surprised.

but it's him, i know. because he types like that. and i've learned that the typing makes a difference in who the person is behind the screen. he blocked me because i'm on my second account and he posted an announcement and it's his voice.

i don't want him to block me. i want him to be back.

ii. anger.

he unblocks me on the thirtieth of december. he sends me a message, telling me he's sorry that he's toxic, and fuck you for not making me feel like a friend ( every time he thinks that i do the opposite ) and i am fuming i'm burning a hole through my computer i am scratching my wrists and i am erasing and retyping my last message to him because who does he think he is " i am not a good enough friend " i stopped you from slitting your wrists -  i know everything about you because you forced it down my throat i was nice to you and this is what i get for extending my hand and now i'm nothing.

i don't tell him. i don't tell anyone.

i just remind him that i've been there for him every single time -

(every single time he's hurt himself every time he was hit every time his brother showed up in his dreams every time that damn stalker made another account every time) -

and when was the last time he was there for me (the answer is never and i would have liked it if he repaid that for me maybe because my mother calls me useless too and i've almost died too and he doesn't give a shit unless it's about him) -

and that i don't want to talk to him again. and i block him. and i'm done i can't bear to see him again i just want you out and finally, finally he is.

iii. bargaining.

they talk about him in february again. i make the mistake of telling them about it - they're mad, they want to be angry for me. i want to forget i want to heal and yet something tells me in the back of my head yes, yes - this is a good idea - i listen and i tell them that it's okay to yell. ( don't engage they say i listened )

and then it escalates until my video is off and i'm shaking in my seat and i'm afraid to check discord and i'm trying to contain my sobs in the middle of history class and uphold four conversations until i'm unblocking him and he's telling me lies and yet (( he is talking to me for the first time in months and he is sorry and maybe, maybe ? could we be friends again? )) hope blooms before i squish it down

and tell him to stop, please, and the others to stop and i can't hold it together any longer why are you believing him - do you love him, oval - why do you still care i don't know but he was my friend shouldn't that count for something (( no ))

i can't breathe freely for the rest of the week

iv. depression.

(( i was already depressed but ptsd fit more in june )) he returns behind me, glares, whispers & twisted until i sink further into his grasp and i cannot sleep (( i cant breathe )) because even in my sleep he offers fake apologies coated in honey and i let him, i let him, he calls my friends liars i miss him i tell myself sleep doesn't come and i stay up too late waiting for him to go shouldn't it be over am i becoming him nothing i can do so i wait and still he i censor his name it hurts to read it i write poems, letters, it worked before i detach and cut and it doesn't hurt as much as him

i tried everything i can and yet he's still there (    please, i want him gone, i want to be gone too g et o ut of my dreams i don't want to see you in my friends whyareweallfriends i hope you die i hope i die stop please   )

v. acceptance

it's a year ago today.

i'm alive - it's still bizarre to say - i tried to stop it and i'm still here that proves something, doesn't it? i am stronger than him, right?

i can read his name without flinching ((((( but i can't stand purple red black and that damned shrug emoji or being called dark )))))

and i wish i could say that i was better because of it, that i don't miss him anymore, but i do and he still haunts me

i wish i never met him

( 12.21 )

haha yeah its not finished but there was no good ending to this anyways byeeee