Everything We Never Had

twelve

I spend Wednesday night, a night I had previously been looking forward to, eating leftover spaghetti on my living room couch.

There is a movie on the TV but I'm not sure what it is. I haven't glanced once at the TV after turning it on. Why did I turn it on?

I've spent the duration of my time on the couch watching the texts from Ashton's group chat fly by. Sam and Kai's girlfriends (I had learned their names were Claire and Kathleen), were talking with Ashton, Kai, and Sam about restaurants. I had only halfway been watching until I saw a text from Sam, which sparked my attention right away.

"Should we add Samantha? She's your girlfriend now Ashton, right?"

Ashton's response comes a minute later. "Yeah. I'll add her."

So she is his girlfriend. I don't know why that disturbs me so much!

And so, in comes Samantha.

"Heyyyy guys!!!" Is the first thing she says.

"Hey babe," Ashton replies.

"Yo," Kai says.

"Are you Samantha Hartman?" Kathleen asks.

"I am!!"

"K."

The chat is silent for a moment and I'm about to put my phone down and wash out my spaghetti bowl when yet another text from Samantha comes in.

"Why is Valerie Long in here?"

"She's my homie!" Kai replies. Always got my back.

"But I thought it was just girlfriends in here, no?"

Oh, shut up already.

"No one said that," Claire said. I have a feeling neither Claire or Kathleen like Samantha very much. Me either.

"BTW, Valerie where you at?" Kai texts.

I send one of those tacky emojis of that person raising their hand.

"Hey," Ashton says. I'm guessing that was meant for me.

"Hi," I reply. It's clear the two of us are still on rocky waters.

"Valerie, did you do the math homework yet?" Kai asks.

Ah fuck. The math homework. "No! Did you? Need help on it."

"I did," Sam says. I'll text you the instructions. Already sent them to everyone else."

Sam sends me yet another long essay explaining the math homework. He's a better teacher than Mr. James and he doesn't have a teaching certification hanging over his desk in his tacky math room that smells like cabbage. (Mr. James does, though)!

As I'm working through the problems, I realize I really want to text Ashton. I don't know why, but the few hours I've gone without laughing at his jokes or quickly clicking on any text he sends me to see what it says.

When I finish the homework, I stow it in my math binder and zip it up in my backpack. I go back to my spot on the couch and stare at my messages page. I could easily click on Ashton and my conversation and send him something. Just like that.

But would it be awkward? Maybe.

I'll just speak to him tomorrow.

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Come Thursday morning, I've decided not to talk to Ashton. I don't know why but the way our conversation just ended yesterday does not make me convinced that any conversation we have today will be much different.