Press. Release. Wait.

"I'm Sorry"

The darkness I had seen at the bottom was mostly an illusion. As the escalator took me down it seemed to get a bit dimmer but not like I had seen. There was a worker at the bottom, by the ticket machines. He was wearing a large red jacket and a black hat. He didn't pay attention to me as I approached the machines. After a few seconds he said something I couldn't hear into his radio.

I paid for my ticket. It spurted out of the hole as the screen reset. I picked up Dog. They don't like dogs walking around doing whatever they want around the train. Even small ones. So I figured I would save the headache.

The train was only a minute away. I sat on a bench towards the middle of the train. It felt different from yesterday. It felt stronger. It felt... something.

I looked at Dog. Dog looked at me.

An announcement from an unseen speaker. The train was coming.

It was coming.

I heard it before I saw it. The rumbling through the darkness of the tunnel. The deep vibrations that I could feel in my bones. The ground shook before me.

The train appeared quickly, hurtling through the platform. Then slowing down and coming to a stop. The doors opened. I got in.

The train was new. But it was beginning to show its age. Faded seats met me when I entered. Along with the brightly colored pattern of seats that showed the train was new.

I sat towards the middle. As far away from the lights that inscriptions that read PRESS. RELEASE. WAIT. at either end of the train. The doors closed. There was no one else on the train. But when I looked I could sometimes see the other passengers. They looked bored. They were listening to music on their headphones, their heads down. There weren't many of them. In fact there were none of them.

I glanced over at the lights and the markings of the emergency phone at either end of the train. I turned my head back, trying not to notice the red lights at the corners of my vision.

We were going through a tunnel. A long tunnel. A long long tunnel. We were surrounded by brick. We were surrounded by dirt. We were surrounded by concrete and metal.

I felt something jutting against my back. I adjusted myself but it was still there. I couldn't stop it. I grabbed at Dog. He seemed ragged and dirty. I wondered if he was getting sick.

In front of me was the light.

I felt the object still jutting into my back.

It was dark.

It was very dark.

I could only see the red light in front of me. It was uncomfortable. I couldn't move. I hugged Dog. He rested his head on my chest.

I pressed the button.

A call rang out.

CALL FROM TRAIN 7.

CALL FROM TRAIN 7.

CALL FROM TRAIN 7.

CALL FROM-

Someone answered.

-TRAIN 7.

No one answered.

I pressed the button again. The light shone bright.

I held my breath in anticipation.

"Cheyenne?"

CALL FROM TRAIN 7.

"Adam?"

"Hey." His voice was extremely weak. I could barely hear him through the rumble of the train going through the tunnel.

CALL FROM TRAIN 7.

"Adam," I said, "Adam. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I abandoned you. I-I didn't want to. I didn't mean to. I'm sorry. It's all my fault. It's all my fault. I'm sorry you're still here."

There was silence on the other end.

After a few seconds there was an answer.

"Did you find the dog?"

I laughed weakly.

"Yeah, yeah I found the dog."

"It's been a long time."

"Yeah, I know. I know it has. I'm sorry."

I pressed the button again. But there was still no answer.

"Are you okay?" He asked.

"I'm... I'm okay. Are you okay?"

"I've been better."

"Adam, please tell me something. Anything. I'm sorry. There's nothing else I can say. I just want to say I'm sorry. It's all my fault. I abandoned you. Can you come back? Can you make it? Can't you just walk out?"

Silence from the other end.

"I... I tried."

"WELL TRY HARDER!"

"I tried. I tried really hard."

"Keep trying."

"Cheyenne..."

Tears were leaking down from my face now. I tried to press the button again but there was still no answer.

"Adam, you're still here. You answered. That means you're still here. Keep fighting. You can just walk out. You can just be fine again. Adam. I... I love you Adam. I want to be with you forever. Please. You can do this. You can do anything. WHY DON'T YOU JUST LEAVE?"

"Cheyenne..."

"I'm literally sitting here and saying I want to be together Adam. I'm literally sitting here. You can't come back? You can't just walk out?"

My voice broke down into sobs. There was another long silence.

"Cheyenne. I never made it out. I didn't make it."

"WHAT THE FUCK? YOU'RE TALKING TO ME! YOU'RE ACTUALLY TALKING TO ME RIGHT NOW!"

I squeezed Dog in the darkness. I felt him staring at me.

"I'm sorry," he said. His voice was failing.

"I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY! IT'S ALL MY FAULT! I-" I couldn't control my breath. "I can't continue like this. It's my fault. It's all my fault."

"I'm sorry..." he said again.

His voice faded into silence.

It was my stop. I pressed the button one last time but there was still no answer. I got up, sobbing uncontrollably. My body was moving on its own. Just walking without reason or thought.

The train stop was only about a quarter mile from my apartment. I put down Dog and felt myself glide the entire way. Through the sidewalk, with snow piled up along the sides. Past the houses and apartments where I could look in to their brightly colored rooms and see people smiling and laughing.

I opened the door to my apartment and immediately ran to my desk. I scrapped some notebooks off of it. I needed to find the drawing. In my haste I threw it off the my desk by accident. It floated into the crumpled pile of journals and paper that I had left on the ground.

I picked it up. Then picked up a pen from my desk. I saw the words in my own handwriting that read: PRESS. RELEASE. WAIT. I saw the speaker and the light that seemed to shine through the paper.

I wrote a title at the top.

Self-portrait.