『JenSoo Short Stories』

Living Through You

When they put the crowns on our heads, they said I would live through you. Even though the Stillness had killed my mind's connection to my body, leaving me silent and paralyzed in my quarantine room, it didn't have to kill my connection with my twin. The mechanical crowns would sustain it.

My eyes were blind, but I'd see what you saw. My body was numb, but I'd feel through your skin. I'd smell through your nose, taste our favorite foods with your tongue, and through your ears, I would hear something other than the tubes and machines that kept my disease-stricken body alive.

But when you asked that all-important question, the light in the doctors' eyes paled into sadness. It was then that we learned the terrible truth: the crown lets you feel through another's senses, but it doesn't transmit thought.

As long as you can hear your own speech or see your own writing, you can share your thoughts with me. But I can never share mine.

From now on, our connection goes only one way.

~*~

You were never very good at math. You're a singer, a dancer, an artist. Grace and beauty are your realm, and you twirl through it with joyous abandon. Math class was always like pushing through thorns, and I wish I could lift you up with my knowledge and carry you above it like I used to.

I know the answer to the question our eighth-grade teacher is asking right now. My body may be useless, but my mind is still sharp – almost as sharp as the girl with big-red hair, who always raised her hand just a second before I could, and was almost always right.

"Chaeyoung," the teacher calls, his voice slightly muffled by his paisley mask, and sure enough, she's raising her hand right now, her huge dark eyes alight with pride.

"Fifty-three," her voice rings through her mask, as big and attention-grabbing as the giant cloud of red on her head, and he nods.

The quiz continues, and I occupy myself by trying to answer the questions before Chaeyoung can.

The one time I manage it, my lips can't move, but in my mind, I smile.

~*~

"Hey, Jisoo!"

Chaeyoung's voice is as loud as ever, and you turn, grinning as the other girl comes bounding down the hall. "NO RUNNING!" a teacher's voice booms from behind a door, and she hastily slows to a fast slink, her smiling eyes silently screaming "busted!"

You giggle, and Chaeyoung does the same as you come as close as social distancing will allow and bend over as if sharing a whispered conspiracy.

Then you straighten, and Chaeyoung's eyes are shadowed with concern. "So, Jisoo and Jennie, how are you both doing?"

Jennie. My name. How long has it been since a classmate used it to address me directly, to show that they remembered I was listening? To show that they cared?

"I'm... managing," you reply, your cheerful light dimming enough to let your best friend see the sadness beneath. "It's been a tough week since she got sick, but I'm doing my best. And Jennie can't answer, but I'm sure she appreciates you greeting her, too. Most people forget to do that."

Most people. Even our dads forget sometimes. Chaeyoung used to infuriate me with her habit of answering math questions before I could, but right now, I want to hug her.

I watch through your eyes as she shifts her foot, dragging a toe across the hall's smooth white floor. "So, I was thinking," she says slowly, "I know math isn't your favorite subject, and you used to get a lot of help from Jennie, right?"

"Yeah." Your voice is probably supposed to sound like self-deprecating humor, but instead, it wavers on the edge of tears. I want to cry, to hug you, to do all your math homework for you so you can spend more time dancing, but my damn useless body does nothing.