Self Destruction

A new taste

His kiss was sloppy and wet yet the citrusy and deliciously sweet taste allowed me to part my lips and allow his tongue to explore my mouth. His mouth leaves mine to explore my neck and behind my ear. "I want to taste you," he whispers in my ear as his tongue glides around it, slowly yet knowing what I was about to do I lay down on the couch allowing his tongue to continue to explore my neck. 

He moves over me and my legs part allowing him entrance, he continues to kiss me and his hand begins to wonder up the side of my thigh.  I can feel him become hard as he presses on my thigh. He begins to remove his tie, his lips never leaving my neck and for once I am not thinking about Oliver, for once I am not thinking of Odin, and for once I am thinking of what my body wants and I allow myself to feel wanted. I take his face in my hands and bring his mouth back to mine. He kisses me back and my breath becomes heavy and desperate. "Fuck Rosie I want you so bad," he says in my mouth between kisses.

His hands go to my shirt and he starts to unbutton it and continues to kiss me. He sucks on my neck and his hands make their way to my breast and he squeezes one. I freeze because soddenly this has become too real for me. "Stop," I say but he doesn't stop. "Stop," I say a little louder and he continues to kiss me and I began to panic. His lips are now down to my chest almost reaching my breast and his hand is squeezing one of them. Then I push him off of me. "I said stop!" I yell and his face goes pale. 

"Rosie?" he says as I push myself away from him and begin to button my shirt. "I'm sorry," he says running his hand through his hair. "Rosie I'm sorry," I was caught in the moment I was not paying attention," he looked more freaked out than I did. "It's okay," I sigh. 'It was my fault too," I say trying to make the situation better. "I should have not kissed you back," I tell him and I look at the ground trying to avoid his eyes. "Listen I don't know what's going on between you and Oliver but just know that I want to be with you," he takes my hand in his and brings it to his lips, and kisses it. 

"I really want to be someone special in your life," he continues to press kisses on my hand. 

"Why?" I ask because I was starting to think this was all a joke. "Why do you want to be when we have never even been friends," I say a little too loud. "Everyone at that stupid office makes fun of me!" I began to yell and I stand to move around because I don't think I can handle crying right now. "I have always been ignored, I have always been looked down on and I have always been looked at as if I was something revolting!" "So why should I fucken believe you or Oliver or any of you when you say that you want to be someone special in my life!" I yell and I probably sounded like a crazy person but all he did was stare at me. 

"You know something Rosie not everyone is out to get you," he said standing up to collect his tie. "Not everyone is an Asshole like Oliver," "And I know for a fact that I do not deserve to be punished for someone's mistakes," he starts to walk to the door and I stop him pressing my hands on his chest. "Wait," I say. "I'm sorry I am just so..." "broken," he responds for me. 

I didn't want to admit it so instead, I began to cry. He takes me in his arms and holds me and just lets me cry. He runs his hand up and down my back, gently and rubs small circles from time to time. All I could think of was how much I would want Oliver to be the one holding me right now and how much I love him yet how much I can't find a way to let go of Odin or to at least talk about him to someone. When  I finally pull away from him he takes my face in his hands. "Rosie you are allowed to feel loved," "You are allowed to have someone care about you let me be that someone," he says. "Please let me show you how a man should treat women," we look at each other for a while. 

"Okay," I say and he smiles and then he hesitates but he brings his lips to mine again. This time it was not so wet and it was not sloppy, it was soft and gentle and it was sweet due to the wine and salty due to the tears, the last tears that I will cry for Oliver but probably not for Odin. 

He embraces me again and kisses my forehead. "You have no idea how happy you are making me right now," he smiles. My phone began to ring and I take it out of my pocket to see who it is and to my not surprise it was Oliver. I send it to voicemail but he continues to call. 

"Do you need to take that?" Ryan asks but I shake my head no, turn my phone off and toss it to the couch and put my arms around his neck allowing him to kiss me again. "I can't promise you anything right now," I tell him and he nods. "All I want is to be here for you," he says as he kisses my forehead.

The week goes by and Ryan continues to bring me home from work, I have gotten him to watch Criminal Minds with me and we sit and eat pizza and enjoy each other's company. He doesn't know I am diabetic and I will like to keep it this way.

I haven't taken the medicine that I am supposed to be taking, I haven't even been checking my blood sugar. I know I should be but I keep forgetting. 

On Saturday morning, I am greeted with bright yellow carnations from Ryan. I place them in the water and take a picture to send to him letting him know that I received them and thanking him. I was sending the picture when someone was banging on my door. 

When I open it Oliver is standing there and he looks pissed. "Why have you not answered your phone all week," he says as he lets himself in. "What are you doing here?" I ask but he ignores me and drops a grocery bag on the table. "I brought you some healthy snacks," he says. 

He looks at the table where the flowers that Ryan sent are but he is not looking at the flowers he is looking at the card. 

These last few days have been amazing darling. 

- Ryan  

Oliver picks up the card and reads it. "What the hell is this," he says lifting the card to my face. "They are from Ryan," I say. "So you have been ignoring me because of Ryan?" he yells. "Don't yell at me!" I yell back. "Ryan and I are friends," " The fuck your not!" he yells again. 

"He doesn't want to be your friend," he laughs. Not that it mattered because all the making out that Ryan and I have been doing all weekend clearly doesn't say just friends. "That's not your problem," I say as I take the card from the table. 

"Have you been taking your medicine?" he asks not looking at me. "Yes," I lie. "Are your blood sugar levels coming out okay?" He tilts his head back and closes his eyes clearly annoyed. "Yes," I lie because, to be honest, I have not checked. "Are you eating healthy?" he opens his eyes and finally looks in my direction. "Yes," I lie again. 

"Good," he says after a long pause. "Since I assume you are busy with your new friend ill just go," he says. He walks to the door and his hand almost reaches the handle when I finally decide I need to say something to him because I am so pathetic that I do not want this man that has hurt me in many ways to feel any pain. 

"Oliver wait," I say and he stops and slowly turns to look at me. "Ryan and I are friends we have been hanging out almost every day," I confess. "I really like him and I don't know if it will lead to anything but I need to stop whatever this is between us," and then I start to cry. "You really hurt me in many ways," I say wiping tears away. "I can't ignore how I feel about you but this needs to end because if it doesn't then I will have to quit my job," I say to him with choking sobs. 

He doesn't say anything, he doesn't even look bothered by what I say, he looks almost bored. "Is that all?" he asks and I nod. "Fine ill stay away from you on one condition," he says.

"What's that?" I ask and he walks over to me and takes my face in his hands. "I still get to go to the wedding as your boyfriend," he says. I was going to speak but he puts his hand over my mouth. "I will leave you alone if and only if you agree do you understand?" he asks and like the good obedient puppy that I am under his touch I nod. "Good," he says and leaves me in tears once again.