Tonight Only {Cliff Burton}

La Vida Nueva

The dead silence at the other end of the line scared me. I felt myself trembling and my heart beating fast, horrified that everything had come crashing down, horrified that Kirk would say no.

"Kirk?" I whispered into the phone, really hoping he wouldn't do that to me.

"Oh, Sarah, that's great!" he finally said.

"Am I still allowed to join the band?" I asked hesitantly.

"Oh, yeah, of course you are. Uh, obviously, we'll have to keep you in mind with everything we do, but we'll figure it out somehow, okay? And I'll always be here for you, okay?".

"Thank you." I smiled, crying tears of happiness again. "Thank you so much. I love you.". I gasped, realizing what I just said. "Not that way, but, uh, like… platonically." I clarified, feeling myself blush.

Kirk chuckled. "I love you, too, in the same way.".

I smiled. "Once again, thank you so much for everything.".

"No problem, Sarah. We'll have our first rehearsal with you on Friday." Kirk told me. "How does that sound?".

"Alright, sounds great.".

"Okay. See you then. Take care.".

"You, too. Bye.".

I hung up the phone, feeling happy, almost euphoric, for the first time in a long time. I got on my knees, shut my eyes, and tilted my head up towards the sky. "I'll make you proud, Cliff. I promise I'll make you proud." I said. "I love you.".

I had never, ever believed in fate up until then. But on my knees, in the living room, I wondered if things were always supposed to play out the way they did. Maybe my destiny was, and had always been, to replace Cliff. Maybe he wasn't supposed to meet our child. Maybe fate had planned out for the end of his life to be the beginning of my new life. 

                                  ***

I put my bass and amp in the back of my car. Even though I had jammed with Metallica before, and I had the best bass teacher ever, I was still kind of nervous. I was officially part of the band now; that was a big fucking deal!! 

I got into the driver's seat and looked through my stack of CDs. As soon as I saw my Misfits one, I knew I wanted to listen to it. Me and Cliff used to listen to it quite often when we were in the car together, so it was really sentimental to me.

As I drove down the street, I felt... different. I felt light, and I felt fresh, and I felt hopeful. I felt like the beginning of spring after a long, cold, rainy winter.

I got kind of lost driving to the studio, but I eventually found it. I ended up being the first one there, and the door was locked, so I waited outside for a few moments until James showed up. He got out of his car and took out his guitar and amp. I knew I had to apologize to him. 

As he walked up to the door, he gave me a shy smile.

"Hi, James." I said.

"Hi, Sarah." he replied, setting his stuff down and taking a key out of the pocket of his faded blue jeans.

"Can I talk to you about something?".

He froze and looked up at me, looking absolutely mortified. "Yep." he said quietly, nervously nodding his head.

I sighed and looked down at the ground. "I just wanna say that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being such a bitch to you." I told him. I looked back up at him and made eye contact. "There's a reason I'm like that. My mom was an alcoholic, and she put me through hell. She was neglectful, and she was never there for me.".

"Oh, Sarah, I'm so sorry to hear that.".

I inhaled sharply. "James," I sighed. "I know that not all alcoholics are bad people. But my mom was never there for me. And not only that, but she ruined herself, and her relationships with other people. I don't want the same thing to happen to you. I care about you, and I think you're a good person.".

James blushed. "Really?" he asked.

I nodded. "Really. And I wish I would've apologized sooner.".

"I wish Cliff could've been here for this.".

"Why?".

"Because he would be proud of you.".

I felt myself tear up. "That's all I ever wanted to do. Make him proud, and happy, and feel loved." I sighed, looking down, also wishing Cliff was there. "I loved him so much.".

"I know you did.".

"Fuck." I muttered as a tear escaped my eye. I wiped my cheek as it rolled down.

James put his hand on my shoulder and I looked up at him. "Don't cry. You're too beautiful." he told me. He took me by surprise as he put his arms around my waist and smashed his lips into mine.

I didn't quite know what to do, but I just went with it and kissed him back. Now, Cliff never lied to me, and I never lied to him, either. But when he told me James had a crush on me, I thought that maybe he had been exaggerating a little bit, just to give me more confidence. But no, he had been right.

"James…" I started, but he put his finger over my lips.

"I'm sorry." he said.

"James!" I shouted, swatting his finger away and making him wince in pain. "What the hell was that?".

"I'm really sorry, Sarah. I shouldn't've just kissed you without permission. Since you told me something, I guess I'll tell you something, too." he said. He scratched the inside of his wrist, looking down. "I've been in love with you ever since I met you.".

"I know." I smiled.

His eyes widened. "You know? How?".

"Cliff told me.".

"Oh." he sighed. 

I felt kind of bad for him. I never realized how much he'd been through up until Cliff told me, even though I'd known him for almost four years.

"James, I like you, I really do. But I don't think I'll be ready for another relationship for a while." I sighed. "I just…".

I turned around and looked off into the distance, observing the beginning of the pink and orange sunset. I thought about the past four years, from the night I met Cliff to the terrible morning when I heard the news of the crash. It made me feel empty.  "Cliff was like no one else." I finally said.

"He really was like no one else." James replied. "And I'll wait 'til you're ready for me, if you're ever ready. And it's okay if you never are.".

I turned back to James and smiled.

He sat down on the curb of the sidewalk and motioned for me to sit with him. He pulled out a pack of cigarettes from the pocket of his jeans.

"Want one?" he asked.

"Don't mind if I do." I said, taking one. "Thanks.".

He lit my cigarette, then he lit his. As I took a drag of mine, a red car pulled into the parking lot, and I noticed that it was Lars and Kirk arriving together.

Lars flipped us the middle finger, smiling a goofy smile. I laughed and flipped him off, too.

"James, you know how on the night we said goodbye to Cliff, you said it felt like it was the beginning of something?" I asked.

"I kinda remember that." James replied, the smoke from his cigarette rising in front of us.

"I think you were right. I think it is the beginning of something.". 

"Of what?".

I looked at him and smiled. "La vida nueva." I said.

He looked at me quizically. "What the hell does that mean?" he asked.

"A new life.".