ROSES (Oli Sykes Fan Fiction) COMPLETE

GLIMPSES OF THE PAST

I went over to Ivy's cot and set her up for sleep while Oli just watched on from the bed; she was squirming and kicking and didn't really seem to want her tiny socks on her feet. I should have wondered why she was being like that, but all I could think about was that Oli didn't have a girlfriend. Oli was single. Oli was available. It actually frightened me a little bit because I had been telling myself every time I had a romantic thought about him that I wasn't allowed to, but now there was nothing stopping me from thinking those things. Now I could fantasise about whatever I wanted and I wouldn't have to feel guilty for it. Why hadn't he told me though? Why did he keep that from me? It was something kind of important. My mind was going crazy; a million miles away from the room I was physically in. "Have you still got your ultrasound pictures?" Oli asked randomly.

"Uh, yeah, they're in the bottom drawer on my bedside." I said mindlessly as I juggled an uncooperative Ivy and the overwhelming thoughts about Oli's relationship status.

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[OLI]

As I opened the bottom drawer on her bedside, my eyes immediately caught sight of my own signature; it was the CD the guys and I had signed for her in Mexico City before everything went to shit. It made me kind of sad that she'd shoved it into the bottom of a drawer, but I also smiled at the memory of it.

I pushed a few things aside and found the ultrasound photos, the first taken on January 2nd, when she was 3 months pregnant. I wondered what it would have been like to be there; to see Ivy as just a little blob on a screen and to actually anticipate her. There was another scan photo at 6 months and this one looked much more like a tiny person than just a blob, but Ivy still looked like some kind of weird alien. God I wish I knew about her back then. I wish I could have been there for those moments. I wish I could have been there if for nothing other than to have supported Willow. I hated the thought of how scared and alone she must have felt.

As I put the photos back in the draw, I noticed something that immediately tugged on my heart strings; the recycled plastic bracelet I bought for Willow in Acapulco. She still had it. I thought she would have erased every single memory of me from her life after Mexico, but the fact that she kept that gift in particular meant a lot to me. Sure, it was hidden away in a draw, but she had still kept it. 

I picked it up and ran the beads through my fingers and my chest felt heavy. I could still picture the moment I gave her that stupid bracelet like it was yesterday; the way she was so surprised but so excited over it, smiling that perfect smile in the sunshine then hugging me as I tried to walk to the taxis... It was hard to believe that either of us were the same people as we were in that memory. Things were so different.

I hated who I was back then, but I liked that I had memories like this one where she was smiling, that I'd made her happy sometimes in the past. The bad things I did kind of overpowered the good things, but at least if I thought back, happy memories did exist.

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"I know most of our memories together are bad memories because of me, but there are some good ones, right?" Oli questioned completely out of the blue. I looked around to see him holding the bracelet he'd bought me in Acapulco; running the beads through his fingers. I hadn't seen it since I threw it in there nearly a year ago, but just seeing him sitting there holding it made my chest feel tight. It transported me right back to a time when I was completely and utterly in love with him and I thought he was starting to feel that way for me too. I remembered how happy I was when he surprised me with it, how much it meant to me... how oblivious I was about how hurt I would be by the same person just a few days later.
"I have more good memories with you than bad... the bad ones are just easier to remember." I said. He just sat there silently and I felt awkward, but I didn't know what to say. The silence was lasting too long, but I noticed his lips starting to curl into a smile and he looked up at me. "Do you remember when you were scared to cross that little river in Acapulco?" he asked. "When I had to carry you across it because you were scared of the itty bitty fish?" he questioned in amusement. He loved making fun of me for that and I was sure he would never let me live it down, but at least it had lightened the mood. "Oh my God. Shut up!" I laughed. He just chuckled. "You're never going to let me live that down, are you?" I asked. He just continued smiling as he shook his head.
"Gosh we did some funny stuff. Remember when we volunteered you for that fire show? You were so mad at us..." he chuckled. "Or when we went out driving in that buggy? You were screaming like crazy but you drove as crazy as me! Oh, and remember when we stole the back seat in the bus from Mat? Or when we tried to fuck in the hammock and you nearly fell out!" he said with laughter. His eyes suddenly went wide and his face fell as he realised what he'd said... I guess that part of our past was not something either of us really felt comfortable remembering or talking about. "Sorry..." he said awkwardly. I couldn't believe he'd just mentioned our former sex life out loud. We did have an amazing sex life back then though, nobody could deny it... I  guess it was just something we probably shouldn't talk about now. I definitely didn't want to think about it because it was such a trigger for me; all it did was remind me of him telling me I was only ever sex to him. "Sorry, I didn't mean to say that. But yeah, I promise I will do my best to not to let there be any bad memories from now on. Only good ones." he said. I believed him.

Things felt a little awkward as he put the bracelet back into my draw,  but he suddenly laughed a little to himself. "Gee, you weren't kidding about planning a trip to Italy..." he said as he pulled my Italy guide book from the same draw. The book was loaded with sticky notes in various colours, notes scribbled everywhere. "Yeah, I really was thinking about going to Venice..." I replied.
"Why Venice?" he questioned as he flipped through the pages of the book.
"I don't know, it just seems like such an amazing place; the canals, the art, the architecture... how a city runs when it's literally on top of water all the time." I said as I went overboard. He just smiled at me. He must have thought I was such a dork. I kind of wanted to open up and tell him why and when I was planning it, that it was my escape from reality and was going to be the way I forgot about or 'got over' having Ivy and giving her up for adoption. I felt so sick to my stomach to think about that now. I felt guilty for ever considering it. Maybe I'd tell him all of those deep, hidden away things within me, but not today. I already had so much on my mind. "I'll still go, just when Ivy is older. I'm sure it will still be there in eighteen years." I said with a shrug. "Or I could just go to Vegas and stay at the Venetian resort." I laughed. Oli just shook his head at me as he put my book away and closed my drawer full of memories.

"Well, I guess I should probably get going." Oli said as he stood. I think we both felt kind of awkward about everything that had come out, though I tried to pretend like it was nothing. It was nearly 10pm, so he kissed Ivy on the cheek and I took him down in the elevator to meet his taxi like I had the night before.

As we stood quietly in the descending elevator, I still wondered why he didn't tell me that he'd broken up with Zoe. I know it wasn't really any of my business, but... I don't know. It just seemed weird that he didn't tell me. Maybe it was really recent, maybe he was really upset over it, or maybe he just didn't know how to bring it up? Honestly, I guess he probably didn't want me to read into it or get the wrong idea and considering our past, I understood why he'd think I would. It made me feel weird though... almost upset that he kept it from me.

We hugged as he went to leave and I don't know what came over me as he went to walk away... but what I was thinking came out of my mouth like vomit, like I couldn't stop it even if I wanted to. "Oli." I said to get his attention. "Zoe didn't deserve you anyway." I said with a light head shake. He stopped and just looked at me for a second, kind of smiled then continue toward his waiting ride. I had no idea why I had said that, but I'd thought it from the day I found out they were back together. She didn't deserve to have his love again. Though I guess after everything Oli had told me, maybe she never even had it.