The pain of Turnabouts ~ An Ace Attorney Fanfiction

Chapter 9 -Thoughts

Phoenix was on his way to work as Larry greeted him from afar, and walked over to have a chat.
-Hello friend, you really have a weird face today!  Aren't you studying too much in there? -He asked him, pointing to the bookcase. 
Larry didn't like books, and the only magazines he ever looked through were some magazines full of pictures of cute women.
-No, Larry, what do you say?  I'm doing great, as always.  I'm just a little... tired, really- he replied.
When Phoenix took leave of Larry and, at the end of the day from his work, he stood motionless outside the shop, a truth caught him.

He didn't want to go home, he didn't want to find his monster father or his mother's ghost.  He just wanted to be with someone who made him feel like a normal high school student.  He had thought that Miles might be the right person to have that kind of relationship with, and now he found himself disappointed.  He was alone.

***

Miles spent the day studying, but he wasn't concentrating.  he thought of Phoenix, of his smile, of his warmth, of his closeness.
Two hours later, he was wandering around the shelves of the bookstore where Phoenix worked, looking at the books and hoping to see him, even though he didn't know exactly what he was going to tell him later.

****

In front of the bookstore there was a small park for the children.  Not too full at five in the afternoon, Phoenix had chosen it to stop and study.  The children didn't bother him too much, on the contrary, they cheered him up and he had found a place, not too uncomfortable, on a bench, to do his exercises.  He didn't know he was perfectly visible from the shop, with his electric blue sports sweatshirt that he had put on to protect himself from the cold wind.
Phoenix was intent on watching the children chase each other.  The pencil rested in his hand in an unnatural pose for writing but not for drawing.  And with his mind he was lost in the memories where he could be close to Miles without being chased by him.

***

Phoenix wasn't there, in the bookshop.  What a bad idea, to go to that place, where he, moreover, he was not allowed to buy anything.  He left the room accompanied by a cheerful sound of bells and found himself a moment lost in the cold october air.  It was then that he saw the boy he was looking for.  He was in the park, and he was alone.  Miles had gone there for him, so why didn't he move?
He took courage and joined him, coming up behind him. 
-You're not at work-he said.  It wasn't a question.  And it wasn't much of a statement either - what was it?  An observation?  - but it was still something.
Phoenix looked up, awakened by his memories and bewildered.  Miles?  Was he talking to him?  He was confused.
-I ... I had a short day today.  I only did three hours. -
What was he doing ... was he justifying himself?
"It was a very bad idea, a bad idea, damn it, it was a bad idea, a terrible idea, I don't know what to say"
-Hey- Miles muttered uncomfortably.  -Can I sit down?  -
"Why am I murmuring? I can't disturb anyone. Or maybe I don't want to wake up that voice I put to sleep inside of me?"

For Phoenix it was like being in a bubble.  His words reached him muffled and he wasn't sure it was just the painkillers.  He nodded, continuing to look at him and gathered his things in order to make a space for him on that small stone bench that had become his kingdom.
Miles took a seat at one end of the bench, as if sitting too close to Phoenix would be getting too close to a fuse.
And now what was he supposed to say?  He twisted his fingers, digging his nails into his palms.
-I'd like to meet Larry- he said.  And some of it was also true.  But that wasn't what he meant.
Phoenix looked disappointed.
Thing?  Had he come there to talk to him about Larry?
-Eh?  Oh ... yeah, sure.  He accompanied me to work after school and told me that today he has to help his father.-
Miles put his hands on his knees, nodding in frustration. 
-So you're ... still friends, you two- he observed.
-Yes we are friends.  Even though we parted a bit for study courses, you know - he nervously began to draw in the corner of the notebook.  Miles twitched his lips. 
- I'm not that good with conversations. - he finally admitted.  -I just wanted to… apologize… I didn't really want to walk you away.  Not really ... I don't know he got me.  - he concluded.  -I would love to be friends again.  Although perhaps it is enormous to ask you to forgive me for eight years of silence.  Yet here I am ... I'm asking you.  - he concluded, looking at him.
Phoenix took a few moments of silence, stopping the stroke of the pencil on the paper.
-But today you said you don't want to be near me.  And I wouldn't want you to suffer for my sake.  Don't get me wrong, I've wanted this moment for ... always.  But I don't want you to strain if I pity you — and he tried to be clear and sweet as he unfolded, his eyes cast down on the scribble.
"You're ridiculous, Phoenix," he told him.  But his voice was sweet too.
- I'm just afraid of suffering.  I don't like getting close to people.  To nobody.  Usually, I don't like people, and they don't like me, and I don't care about that.  But when I saw you again I worried that you might hate me, and I don't know what that means ...- he sighed.  - I just know I don't want you to hate me.-
-Well, then there are two of us.  I don't want him to hate me either- and for the first time in a while Miles looked up to smile at him.
-What?  - Miles he was genuinely surprised.  He lifted his knees to his chest, his feet on the bench.
-How could I hate YOU, sorry?  -
-I don't know- Phoenix said, nibbling at his pencil.
-Sometimes it seems that you hate me and that you would not want to see me ...-
He hesitated.  - I don't hate you, Phoenix.  I hate what I see in you.  I hate remembering a moment in my life that won't come back.  But there is no point in keeping you away for this stupid reason.-
A dog passed, running, next to them. Phoenix followed the dog's steps with his eyes for a while.
-I see.  But you will have noticed that ... there is not much of the baby Phoenix left in me.
-No- he admitted.  -That's why I would like ...- what did he want?  He didn't know.  Or maybe yes.
-I would like to meet this new Phoenix.  I see you are different, but I like you.  Ngh!  I mean, in the sense ... forget it, I talk too much when I'm nervous.  But ... so you don't hate me?  Even though I've never replied to your letters?  Even if I never called you? -
Phoenix smiled at him.
- No, Miles.  I don't hate you, I just couldn't do it.  -
On impulse, Miles reached out and placed it on her forearm, looking at him as if with a subtle tenderness.
-You would have so many reasons.  -
Phoenix gently placed a hand on him.  The temptation to slip by his side, to rest her head on his shoulder was strong.
-Maybe ... I just don't want to hate you.  I do not want to do it.-
Miles stood like that for a moment, with a lopsided and vaguely awful smile on his lips.
-Well ... well ... well.  -
he took his hand back.
Miles nodded to himself, as if he wanted to tell himself that he had done well, that he had been good.
He felt calmer, as if he had lifted a weight from his heart.  Suddenly the autumn air seemed less humid, cleaner.  Even his leaves looked less dead to him.
Phoenix surprised him.
-You know Miles ... I thought that, if you like, one of these days we could go out together.-
-Certain.  Yes, I would like it.-
His smile, his affirmative answer excited Phoenix and sent him into the balloon for a few seconds while he tried to say something.
-We could ... like .... have a snack somewhere and ... I don't know, study together? -
-You really care about this math thing, huh? -He looked away: his smile made him feel an unfamiliar warmth at the sternum. 
-You can laugh, but my stepfather doesn't care about my grades in math.-
-I can't imagine it ... and then I didn't talk about math.  I'm okay with studying everything- he said shrugging.
Miles looked up at the sky, aware in an almost painful way of Phoenix's proximity.
"Um," he said.
And then he felt that warmth in his chest again, which felt like a pleasant sensation.  He looked at his fingers, agitated.  He meant a lot of things, but he didn't say any.  He gave him a silly half-smile, realizing he didn't really know what to say.
Phoenix was enchanted.
What a beautiful smile Miles had ... she smiled back at him, happy to have him next to her.  Would he have told her?  He decided yes.
-I ... I'm glad you're here ...-
Miles nodded again, like a drowsy man.
-Diamine, Phoenix ... me too.
And he realized that well, he really was, a lot.
He stood up, because he was feeling a little stiff and didn't know what to do.

But Phoenix didn't intend to let him go that easily.
- Shall we have a walk together, Miles? -
He felt himself sinking.  "What will it be?"  He thought he.  And he said yes, forcing himself not to smile.
As they strolled, Miles found he was handsome.  Very beautiful.

"I'm walking with my only friend, and for the first time I don't want to be anywhere else."

Clouds drifted lazily across the evening sky, which began to curl up in the end of the day.

Note

Poor Miles. He is suck a dork, but he is sweet puppy. Isn't he?