I will always put you first (WangXian modern au)

14. "What did I do?"

Wei Ying, Yunnan

The next few days are a blur. A village nearby was cut off due to landslides. The military forces have managed to open up those roads and patients are flooding in from there. Between Wen Ning and I, we try coordinating our shifts at the YMC so we can keep an eye on Uncle. A-Qing visits in the evening time as much as possible. She is trying to keep working with her clients using online meetings just like she did with me.

Lan Zhan and I get to barely see each other. With everything going on, we both have worked through our weekly days off in the last couple of weeks. He seems to have pulled away from me. I don't know why and this not knowing bothers me a lot. But there's nothing I can do except wait for a chance for us to talk to each other.

I have had one panic attack so far and that too at the hospital. It was when I went to visit our fourth uncle. There I ran into Uncle Wen and Aunt Sui He. With great difficulty, I managed to exchange some pleasantries before I had to run to a restroom, puke my guts out and end up on the floor sobbing uncontrollably. Thankfully no one saw anything. I managed to take a quick shower before getting back to my desk. I haven't told anyone other than A-Qing about this.

Finally, they tell us that Uncle is getting better and we are hoping he will be discharged in the next two or three days.

"That's great news, A-Xian.", A-Qing grins when I meet her that evening. "A-Cheng is coming tomorrow. He will be here for at least a week. When we return to Beijing we will plan to take uncle with us this time. Uncle has worked all his life. It's time he retires and lives with us kids." she starts making plans happily.

"That's a great plan, A-Qing. A-Ning said he is trying to get a job in Beijing too. All of us can be together there then.", I like her plans.

At the back of my mind, I am still worried about what Wen Ning had shared with me. As I had told him, I have lost so much. I don't want any harm to come to them. After I had taken his card, I have tried to create some false trail that will lead whoever to believe that someone else (me!) was trying to get the evidence and not Wen Ning himself. Hopefully, that should keep Wen Ning safe at least for the time being.

That evening when I meet Lan Zhan, I tell him about our plans, "Lan Zhan, today finally they have said that Fourth Uncle will get discharged soon. A-Qing is planning to take him back to Beijing. I hope he agrees. I hope Wen Ning can also get a job in Beijing. Then their whole family can be together. Uncle has worked hard as long as I have known him. I hope he gets to spend the rest of his years peacefully."

"That's great. Your whole family will be together. You will be happy then...", he says. I don't know how to answer that. Truth be told, I am happy for Wen Qing, Wen Ning, and Jiang Cheng. But for me? I can't imagine a life without Lan Zhan anymore. Even the thought of it pains me. Will I ever be able to smile? Will I be happy? I am lost in my world when Lan Zhan calls my name, "Wei Ying, what happened? It's a good thing, isn't it?" "Hm...", I force myself to nod.

"Lan Zhan, when this mission finishes and we return back to our jobs where will you be? Will you... remember me, maybe? Will we be able to meet each other?", I can't stop my voice from wavering.

"I will go wherever they post me. I don't know if we will be able to see each other. But I will remember you. You are a good person, Wei Ying", Lan Zhan answers all my questions.

His answers only bring more questions. "A good person? Only a good person? Am I nothing more than that to you? All the times you helped me, took care of me, was that only out of pity?" I am heartbroken. But I don't show any of it when I smile back and say, "I will remember you too, my Lan Zhan." It's so hard to stop my tears, but I manage it somehow.