Lone Thorn on a White Rose || soonhoon; hoshi-centric

chap 1: broken dam

Soonyoung couldn't exactly pinpoint when it happened. When gender no longer felt as simple as it once had, when hearing 'he' in reference to themselves felt so... weird? Wrong? When it started to feel like everyday they were stuck in the shell of an identity that doesn't fit. Like a square peg in a round hole.

Soonyoung didn't always feel so lost. But lately, everyday is like navigating a foreign country in which no one speaks the same language. Barely getting by, just hoping somehow, someway, you can make it through the day. That maybe eventually you'll find someone who can understand you, someone who can guide you — someone who can make you feel less alone.

Loneliness had become their friend. Even surrounded by 12 other members everyday, Soonyoung felt alone. It's not that the other members were leaving them out of things, it's not that they didn't put in the effort to make sure their 'Precious Soonie' (as Jeonghan hyung would say) wasn't coming back to the dorms at a decent time, making sure they were taking care of themselves; other members actively asked them to eat together most days of the week, some wanting to go shopping together, or to visit some new attraction.

It wasn't that at all.

The members cared for Soonyoung, made sure they felt loved.

But love can only do so much when you aren't sure if it's conditional.

The other members will hate them, Soonyoung is sure of it.

They'll judge.

They'll laugh.

They'll mock.

Because how is Soonyoung supposed to tell 12 of the people that mean the most to them, that they look in the mirror and want to scream, want to cry, want to... want to die because in the mirror is someone everyone perceives as a boy and that's just not what Soonyoung is.

And maybe that's not even the problem. The whole 'I don't align with the gender I was assigned at birth' isn't what makes Soonyoung want to curl into a ball and just never be seen again. It's not knowing who they are.

Soonyoung isn't a boy, Soonyoung isn't a girl, Soonyoung isn't sure who they are and they just feel so lost.

So there Soonyoung stands, the sound of the other members getting ready for the day muffled by the walls of their room, as they stare into the mirror with this scratchy feeling in their throat, tears pricking the corners of their eyes, and a tightness in their chest they can't quite get to go away.

This was the third outfit Soonyoung had put on.

The first pair of sweatpants they had grabbed clung to their thighs in all the wrong ways causing a roll of sickness in their stomach because of the figure they were left staring at. They quickly found the baggiest pair of sweatpants they owned, sighing when not much of their lower form was distinguishable at all. Next was the shirt. It was a loose T, it should've been fine, most days it would've been fine, but it made their shoulders appear too boxy, too broad. The fabric of the shirt dipped and clung to the space between their breasts, accentuating the hard work they had put in at the gym over the months, but as Soonyoung stared in the mirror it all suddenly felt wrong, their body did not feel like their own. Quickly pulling off the shirt and chucking it harshly into the corner of the room, they pulled out their biggest windbreaker. As it settled onto their shoulders the tightness in their chest eased slightly, the bright colors of the baggy material mostly distracted from any form left. All that was left was the mocking short crop of hair burning into Soonyoung's gaze from the mirror. It felt wrong, too short, too masculine. Soonyoung quickly pulled the closest beanie onto their head. What was left staring back at Soonyoung appeared to be a blob of a human. And Soonyoung felt no better. They thought just hiding all of the things that felt wrong would make them feel better, but now. Now the same turmoil of who am I, what would the members think, why can't you just be normal, ran through their head like a broken record.