playing for the other team (bxb)

[9] it's rude to stare

Over the next few days, I feel like I'm losing my mind.

I wish that Mikaela just hadn't said anything about it in the first place. I wouldn't be questioning this if it wasn't for her-and that's how I know that I'm not really gay. If I was gay, I would've questioned this on my own years ago. On my own, I had never legitimately questioned if I was attracted to men, and I certainly hadn't ever thought about Jamie in such a way.

My stomach churns every time my mind wanders back to it. It was unnatural to think about Jamie like that, yet now every time I looked at him, my mind couldn't help but wander.

I was trying to keep my interactions with Jamie limited until I could figure this out. Though, even with our 'limited interactions,' we probably still saw each other more than one would expect when they hear the words 'limited interactions.' I still saw Jamie at lunch every day, still saw him at practice every day, and Jamie was still driving me home every day after practice.

There really was no such thing as avoiding Jamie. He was at every single corner I turned-both metaphorically and literally. Even now, walking into the locker room bathroom, he was stood changing in front of the mirror.

I knew that Jamie usually got changed in the bathroom because of how the other guys acted towards him, but it seemed peculiar for him to be changing out in the open instead of in one of the stalls.

Jamie faced away from me but as I walked in, his eyes met mine through the mirror and without turning around, he says, "Stalls are all full," as if reading my mind.

I stood against the wall impatiently. For the last fifteen minutes of practice, I had to pee so bad that I was practically unable to focus on the game. I wish that these people would just hurry up already.

I look at Jamie out of the corner of my eye. He was a pretty boy-that much, I couldn't deny-but did that mean that I was attracted to him? If it was just about his face, I could undoubtedly say that I found him to be somewhat attractive. The thing is that I don't think I could ever be attracted to a body as masculine as his. It's not that Jamie is incredibly muscular or anything, but his body is toned and he has a v-line that you can't exactly miss. I liked how bodies that are womanly look, and Jamie is far from that.

"It's rude to stare," Jamie chuckles as he puts his shirt on, snapping me out of my deep thoughts. If only he knew.

I grow flustered in an instant and looking back at myself in the mirror, I can see that my skin has turned a pink-ish shade. This was the worst part about being pale. Any feelings of embarrassment would instantly surface upon my face.

"I wasn't... I mean I... I was just kind of staring off into space, I didn't mean to... I'm sorry."

"I'm fucking with you, Sam," he continues to laugh.

One of the boys comes out of the stall in the nick of time, allowing me to disappear and save myself from more embarrassment.

After I'm done in the bathroom, I wait on a bench in the locker room for Jamie. By this point, most of the guys are done changing but a few of the players still linger in the locker room. I see Jamie come out of the bathroom and he gives me a nod, signaling that it's time to go.

The second that we get into Jamie's car, he speaks up. "Are you avoiding me?" He says this with the sort of urgency that tells me that he's been waiting to ask this for a while.

"What? No." The words slip out quickly and defensively.

Jamie looks at me, almost as if analyzing me. I hated it when he did this; it was like he was reading me. I tense up, and I can see Jamie visibly frown at this. "Are you sure?"

"Positive. I've just been stressed," I paused, but before Jamie can respond, I add on to this, "You know, about school and all." Because, really, I was sure that Jamie was going to start asking me about what was wrong and that was the last thing that I wanted him prying into right now.

"You've just been acting weird."

I have to get over this soon. I have to do something.

QOTD: What are your main hobbies?