playing for the other team (bxb)

[14] a nice walk on a winter day

I love hanging out with my friends, really, I do. But the issue is that when you hang out as frequently as my group does, you end up running out of things to do, and unfortunately, there's not a lot that you can even do in a small shit-hole town like the one that I live in.

We have a strip mall here and there, each filled with a few retail stores or restaurants. Though, it's only entertaining to go out shopping occasionally. With the limited options that we do have, it just ends up growing old. There're also a few parks in town, but what's the fun in going to a park when half of the town is already just grass and nothingness anyways?

Lydia, Jamie, and I grew bored of hanging out in her house and as a result of this, we decided that going on a walk would be preferable.

We walked on the grass along the side of a main street. There wasn't much going on around here: just a boring, long street that seemed to go on and on for miles.

With it being almost January, the air was much colder than I'd prefer. We don't really tend to get a full winter-not in the sense that we get snow-but there's still a notable difference. I didn't mind it all too much in this moment, seeing as I was wearing layers that kept me nice and cozy, but Lydia on the other hand? Well, she was wearing just a thin long-sleeved shirt and jeans with big rips in them.

This was all avoidable for her. After all, we had been hanging out at her house and she definitely could have chosen to put on a jacket or get changed into something better suited for the weather. Despite this, Lydia was less than hesitant to complain about it every five minutes.

"I can't stand this weather," She continued to fuss.

"This is what? The hundredth time you've said that?" Jamie sharply exhaled in amusement.

I added onto this rebuttal, "Lydia, it was your idea to go on a walk... you know."

"I know but I didn't expect for it to be this cold, and now that-"

Before Lydia could finish her sentence, she was cut off by the loud honking of a car that was passing by. The three of us jump up a little in surprise, and though the car had now passed us, the person in the driver's seat had stuck their middle finger out the window and this was followed up by the person in the passenger seat hanging their head out the window to look back and shout, "Queer!"

Jamie lets out a sigh, "Isn't that just fun?"

"Was that Ostrowski?" Lydia questioned.

"Don't know, couldn't get a good look at whoever it was."

Lydia went on to say, "It was definitely him. I'd recognize that voice anywhere."

I could feel my blood boiling and with gritted teeth, I open my mouth to say, "I can't fucking stand that guy. I'd kill him if I could."

Jamie grins teasingly, "You'll get him one day, big guy."

I wish that I could make Ostrowski pay for all that he's done. I would do absolutely anything to be able to go back to the day that he assaulted Jamie, and just handle it completely differently. My biggest regret in life is handling that situation the way that I did. The way that I acted on that day was shameful. I sometimes fantasize about that day, and how it would've just felt so good to beat the living shit out of John Ostrowski. I don't think I'll ever be able to fully forgive myself for leaving to get the coach.

I bite the inside of my cheek angrily, "I just hate him. You just don't get how much I want to strangle that piece of shit."

I guess that you just don't get it might not have been the proper thing to say in front of these two, because really, if anyone understood what it was like to hate Ostrowski, it was these two. Ostrowski had practically ruined both of their high school experiences, with how he outed Jamie and how he turned everyone against Lydia after they broke up-which, really, the fact that those two had ever dated was astounding to me. It's strange to think that Ostrowski was what really lead Lydia to join our friend group.

"Trust me, I think I do," Jamie replied, "But it's not worth it to get all mad about it. Football season's going to be over soon and once it is, we'll barely even have to see him." Though Jamie tries to see the situation in a better light, I don't understand how it's possible for him to keep such a cool head after what had just happened.

"I still just wish that Ostrowski would get what he deserves."

When Jamie first came out-or rather, was outed-he couldn't handle that sort of treatment. These comments were made about him nonstop, too. Jamie would always put on a brave face in the moment but there were so many times where he'd go home afterward and just cry. He'd do this for so long, and I know this because I was there for most of it. We'd go back to his house and the second that he got into his room, he'd collapse onto his bed and just lose it. I was never great with supporting him, but I'd sit beside him, stroking his back lightly as he cried.

Now that I was dealing with my own issues surrounding sexuality, it made me look at the events of sophomore year quite differently. I never considered how Jamie must've felt even before he was outed. Previously, I had imagined that Jamie must have felt secure when he was closeted. I'm not even sure of my sexuality and I'm already struggling with finding a way to cope so I can't begin to imagine how Jamie must've felt. Growing up, he had always experienced attraction to men. He spent all of his adolescent years sure that he was gay and sure that it was going to negatively impact his life at one point or another. He hid who he was for years and was in a group full of guys who hated gay people. It must've been so hard to deal with that without any form of a support system. Yet here I am, losing my mind after questioning my sexuality for such a short amount of time.

Jamie never seemed to be that bothered by his acts of ignorance and aggression anymore. I suppose that after years of such torment, it's harder to be phased by it. That's how it was for Jamie, at least. Still, I don't understand how he's able to get through it... especially when he didn't deserve any of it. Jamie was one of the most incredible people I had ever met. He was strong, witty, intelligent, caring, and admirable in so many other ways. To think that anyone would treat Jamie that way made me angry in ways that nothing else ever could.

I don't think that I could ever handle it. I can't be gay, because if I am gay, that is going to be my life. I can feel my eyes tear up at the very thought of it, and I swallow hard as I try to stop it from progressing into anything worse.

Jamie looks at me curiously with concern riddled behind his eyes. "Sam?"

"I just got some dust in my eyes," I look away, "It's nothing."

Lydia moves on with the conversation, thankfully not reading more into any of my actions. "Speaking of the football season almost being over, are you two going to Ethan's 'end of the season party?"

Jamie scoffs, "You know I'm not," Because, as previously mentioned, Jamie recognized that going to parties full of drunk people who hated him wasn't necessarily a brilliant idea.

"I kind of have to," I answer, "The guys will get weird about it if I don't show for at least a little bit. Are you?"

"Well, if you're going, I'll probably go too."

QOTD: whats ur favorite scent?