matanoia

Toxic

So sorry for the delay in chapter i've been beyond busy please understand!
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Y/n pov

The yule ball was coming up, and although i'd never admit it to Draco, I wanted him to ask me.

I didn't want him to assume we were going together just because we were dating. Actually, now that i think of it, were we even dating.

"Penny for your thought?" Draco was seated next to me in potions, I'm guessing I was staring once again off into space.

"Just homework," I smiled over to him, getting a look of 'I don't believe you' from Draco before I turned my attention back to the front.

I didn't really expect anything grand from Draco, I imagined we would be laid in bed and he would just pop the question, and I would give him a ridiculous smile and agree. But, watching what one of my classmates did for a girl yesterday to ask her made me wonder, could Draco even possess a hint of romance in his blood.

Resting my head on the table I groaned. Too much to worry about when the exams are coming up.

"Okay class is over, go on your way," Professor Sprout announced and I happily obliged.

Draco and I walked side by side a lot these days. He didn't like to hold hands which I was moderately okay with.

I tried not to notice all the looks we received from people as we walked. Draco, of course, walked with his head high not noticing a single stare. Me on the other hand, felt every single look in the pit of my stomach. You would think i'd be used to it by now, but i wasn't. It was hard, having terrible anxiety and being with the second most talked about student in school, and most of the time not for good reasons.

"Does it bother you?" I blurted out as we were laid in his bed in the afternoon with the sun peeking through the curtains.

"Does what bother me?" He whispered turning over on his side to look over at me.

"people staring at us everywhere we go and don't get me started on the whispers," He didn't say anything. I wanted him to say yes, because that meant I wasn't overreacting. But he just stared at me, making me contemplate if what I said was wrong.

"Yes," I looked at him. "I hate it, people need to learn to mind their own fucking business, but if I'm being honest I'd rather be with you and have everyone stare than not be with you,"

"You're so cheesy," I shoved him lightly coming closer to his face.

"I'm serious, y/n I would not trade anything in the world for you." I smiled because I felt deep within me he was right. It wasn't the pure love that I dreamt of as a child, this thing we have call it love or not, would be anything but easy. There will be tears and arguments but there will also be the good times. I wonder to myself as I stare at this broken boy, if loving him would be my ultimate break. If this does not work out I will never love again. I hope to god he knows this, that if he decides to leave me i'll never be the same. But the thing I never want him to know is, if he left and wanted to come back, I would let him in a heartbeat.

"I don't think you understand what you do to me," I whisper so quietly my voice cracks, and I wonder if he even heard me.

"I do, because you do the exact same to me." I kissed him not because I wanted to but because I needed to. I needed proof that he felt the same as me, and he did. I almost cried as I kissed him because all my life I had told myself no one would ever love and care for me, and I finally felt like I had that.

The next day all my classes were without Draco. I hated these days. I was good at school, not great just good. Which I was completely fine with. The class I had this morning started off with a cute love letter to a girl dropped off by her owl, the boy stated that he loved her and asked her to the yule ball. I fought back a scowl getting embarrassingly impatient.

"So, who are you going to the yule ball with?" Hermione asked as I scribbled in my book.

"Probably Draco, what about you?" I needed to avert the conversation away from me.

"Viktor asked me today," Her voice was kind of sad as she said it and I wondered why. I guess spending so much time with Draco made me clueless to what my best friend was thinking.

"That's so good, you're going to look beautiful," I smiled at her swallowing my own jealousy because she did deserve to be taken to the dance.

I sat in the dining hall for dinner wondering where Draco was. I hadn't seen him all day. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried. So many thoughts of what he could be doing went through my head. I also noticed Pansy wasn't here and I couldn't stop my hands from sweating. My food was untouched and my leg bounced up and down subconsciously.

I decided I would go back to my dorm, realising there was no need to be here if i'm just gonna sit and stare at my food. The halls were relatively empty as I walked through them, admiring the tall ceilings and beautiful walls.

I loved being at Hogwarts.

It was like my home and I would regularly wonder what I would even do with myself when I graduate.

I decided to take the long way back to my dorm to put off doing the homework I needed to do. People would still stare at me and whisper but I held my head up and walked right past them trying not to let them see how much they affect me.

I turned the corner and saw Draco talking to someone but I couldn't see who it was. I was about to call out his name but stopped myself realising he was in a pretty serious looking conversation.

I hid behind the corner I had just passed and peeked over at them. If he was me he would think I was stalking him, so I decided to wait until he was finished and stumble upon him 'accidentally'.

Draco's arms where flying all over the place and his head bopped as he talked, I couldn't see his facial expressions because he was facing away from me but I believed they wouldn't be good ones.

I stood there nervously waiting for the mystery person to be revealed.

Draco placed his hands on the back of his back and shook his head then he left behind the corner.

I tried not to cry as I stood there, seeing a familiar face stand there still. I know I shouldn't overthink this. Maybe he has some explanation. Or maybe my overthinking has always been right.

Because if we are being honest right now, how can he explain why a smiling Pansy was stood at the end of the hall.

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