Alice in Never land (Taylor Momsen/ Phoenix Arn-Horn)

prologue

That feeling you get when you're floating above earth not caring what people are gonna say or do when you get back down.

That moment when you'll know who's right and who's wrong.

That moment when you want to go a few years back and just stay there.

but in every lifetime we grow and we learn, we love and we loose, we hurt and we cry but after this we all just die.

Painful, stupid, feared death. Most people wants it to be prevented for as long as they could, but there are always a few who would rather die than see one more fucking daylight.

It hurts when you die but what hurts more? dying or watching someone you cared for, someone you loved, someone you can't live without WANTING to go, wanted to leave you.

me being the way that i am now makes people say "grow up" but I never did and never will.

you will grow and die, thats why you should live every single second of it.

No more 2nd chances, no more.

And that's why i do what i want, when I want it, wherever I want it and dont give shit to what critics say.

No matter how stupid, impractical, out of this world, weird, inhuman and daring things are, i do it.

No one can stop me and that will stay the same no matter how much the author wants to change that.

and I only do that because of this one stupid reason, one reason that make many people suffer, that make people hurt, that make people feel worthless and stupid, that make people think ' why was I even born on the first place'.

This stupid reason made me think that I'll never get to know how to love, how to grow, how to achieve.

I guess I wasn't deserving anything and i don't deserve anyone.

I should just back out and let nature take its course but until then I LIVE MY SHORT LIFE AND SHOW CANCER THAT IT WOULDN'T BE MY WEAKNESS.

CANCER, yup i have cancer. My sister knows and so does our cousin and a close friend but other than that, no one knows that im dying.

this is why I'll never love, I don't want them to die with me. they wont die with me but im sure as hell that i would never let their hearts go alive and 6 feet underground.

I wish that the gods above transfer the love of my soul mate to another girl, a girl who would be there all through out, have children, raise children and grow old together with But sadly im just not that person.

I can't risk anyone being hurt by my flaw and I already have three people getting hurt each and every day, knowing that im not okay.

but I sometimes wonder, what would life be like on the other side. I don't actually believe that there's a heaven up there, i believe that once im gone i will vanish from the earth and wait in paradise for my family to join me.

but until now I still wonder, I wonder

why me?