Alice in Never land (Taylor Momsen/ Phoenix Arn-Horn)

Lost and found.

AIN Chap 4

PHOENIX

Stupid life, stupid lungs, stupid heart, stupid brain, stupid doctors, stupid cancer, stupid me, stupid nurses, stupid medicine, stupid treatment, stupid Taylor.

Stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid!!!!!!!!!!!

If i was a regular teen, I wouldn't feel all these pain that i have felt for almost my whole life.

With shaky hands. i lifted my 4th stick up to my mouth and inhaled the toxic smoke an felt it lingering on my already damaged lungs. I dropped the stick and stomped on it.

I continued walking in the cold weather with the only warm thing i was wearing is Mercedes's Thin jacket. I checked my phone to se 48 text messages and 26 missed calls from Mercedes.

Fuck what time is it. My phone said 10:42 PM. Fuck!

I dialed my sisters number and waited for her to pick up.

"Oh my god! Phoenix Where are you! Are you ok! Me and Taylor are in summer avenue!" She rushed both relived and thankful.

"I'm in fall Avenue, I'm fine. Sorry for storming out, I'll be hone back in 3 minutes." I assured. "Thank god, don't scare me like that." She said.

"Im sorry, I'll talk to you later. Bye" i said. "Ok bye."

I walked back home to see two girls sitting on the porch. Mercedes was smoking a cigarette while Taylor head her head in her hands with a beer bottle sitting beside her.

"Phoenix!" My sister ran over to me practically throwing herself. I picked her up and squeezed her. She was slightly crying. "I don't want you to leave me." She sobbed. "I love you, i will never leave you" i said.

"Good" she said smiling a little, wiping away the tears that i have caused.

Taylor removed her head from her hands and looked at me with relived and bloodshot eyes. She sighed in relief and stood up.

She walked over to me which caused Mercedes to give us space to talk. "Hey, im sorry for assuming things and accusing you for the things that was bellow the belt." She said with sweet, sad and sorry eyes.

"It's ok, sorry for yelling at you ... and for this." I said pointing to her right shoulder that was showing a fresh bruise. "I deserved it" she muttered.

I looked at her sad eyes once more before the three of us went inside the house.

The house was filled with thick tension as we all sat in the living room. It's really awkward fir me because I probably caused this.

"Are you sure that you're okay?" Mercedes buzzed for the hundredth time. "Yesss, I just went out to clear my mind a little." I said, i was getting pretty cold and the A/C wasn't even on.

"I'm going to get a warmer Jacket." I proclaimed as i went upstairs, getting as far away from the tension. As i got i the room I looked at a mirror.

I'm getting paler by the minute and my hand are shaking crazy. I fumbled around the drawer and automatically searched the much needed pills.

I took them and drowned the water bottle that was already in the room. In a matter of minutes, my hand started to shake less and color started to go back to my lips.

"You're not okay. " I held chest and turned around. "Mercedes." I whispered "you scared me" i said. "You're not okay." She said again. "Yes I am, Mercedes please don't lose hope." I said walking towards her. "But-""no buts, just please." I begged, holding both of her hands. "I'm fine, now go out, Skype your boyfriend or whatever." I said, trying to lighten up the atmosphere.

Before she could reply. "I'll be fine, to be honest im great." I assured. she smiled and hugged me. "Okay, just scream if anything happens." She said.

"I always do." I reminded. Once she got out of the room, I hid all the meds that scattered the table and took something from the drawer.

I sat down the window seat and sucked a breath in. I placed the tip on my forearm and plunged it in, i felt the cold familiar feeling of the needle. I inserted the liquid from the injection to my blood.

I hate doing this BUT it's to keep me alive and breathing. I can just cut the meds and die already but I can't leave my sister. We've been through a lot and I just can't.

My eyes started to droop and my head was getting light. Side effects. I didn't have the chance to stand, I just laid on the window seat completely motionless.

That is how I sleep every night, not that I have a sleeping disorder or anything. Its all because of the meds.

Fucking meds.