Chain of Memories

I

Life has many things to cater on. And the fact that it was a part of it, made me think of how's, why's and what. Ako nga mismo ay kinekwestiyon ang sarili ko sa mga pangyayaring dumaan sa buhay ko. I admit, marami akong hindi naiintindihan. It gives me goosebumps. But then, I have to survive – maybe strive harder.

"Alam mo namang imposible ang gusto mong mangyari Kaia." Nawiwindang ng sambit ni Lanie. Why? She simply opposed with my suggestion. If it was really called a suggestion at all.

"Wala namang masama kung susubukan." It was the only thing I can do for a while. Blame me? I doubt. I was mere sophomore student in high school. It supposed to be a fine experience right away. Just, it wasn't me, middle school wasn't an easy step. The only thing I wanted to do – unwind. Run away from the life charades.

"Iyon na nga eh, susubukan mo..." she trailed of. "...alam mo din naman ang magiging resulta."

I know all along that she won't agree. I don't have no choice, siya lang ang taong makakatulong sa akin. "Lanie, please ito lang naman ang paraan."

"Paraan? Kaia naman, hindi 'yan paraan. Maghahanap tayo ng ibang solusyon sa problema mo." She says in mere frustration, kulang nalang siguro ay sambunutan ako dahil sa tigas ng ulo ko. Inabot niya sa cashier ang kanyang pinamili.

It wasn't my fortunate moment, my suggestion – an idea rather is the only way. Who would think clearly in time of trouble? Particularly not me at all. Masyadong magulo, and thinking straight was impossible. I am barely fourteen-year-old youth who had the hard time to come up with. Home, a four letter word which I expect to be the finest, it shattered. It should have brought security, pero ika nga nila, not all were. We can't simply choose our parents and what kind of family we have. Of all people why me? Full of dramas – secrets and such. The kind of family na akala ko napakasaya iyon pala ay napakalaking kasinungalingan. Simple and contentment, pero dumating sa punto na nasira iyon. it shattered just because of lies and secrets. The things that I'm scared to, it happened.

My family were almost perfect – almost. Because of those lies which they're trying to hide from my knowledge. To protect me? It wasn't protecting me at all. It inflicted me pain. A loving parents, at kahit nag-iisang anak lang ako – I feel contented with. A part of me wanted to have siblings, but then my mom couldn't give birth after me. Merely secrets became the cause why those shattered into pieces.

"They're your biological parents Kaia." Untag ni Lanie ng makalabas kami sa convenience store.

"I don't know them."

Matigas na nga siguro ang ulo ko. Mahirap para sa'kin ang sitwasyon na iyon, even if they're my real parents. They can't just have protruded in my life easily.

"Kaia, give them a chance to be your family."

"How Lanie? How?" ika ko "with their etiquettes. They are strangers."

My parents – ang mga magulang ko na siyang nagpalaki sa'kin. Ang katotohanang iyon ay hindi madaling matanggap ng sistema ko. Might be I'm that childish, the environment where I used to live was very different with my biological family to be called upon. Malaya, payak at masaya – may kakuntentuhan sa mga bagay-bagay. Unlike sa klase ng pamilya kung saan dapat ako. Iisa lang naman ang nasa isip ko, I won't trade my life with the extravagancy of them.

My parents I used to know wasn't my real. They keep the darkest secret – that's me. Kahit na naiintindihan ko na sila ngayon, hindi ibig sabihin noon na mabubura ang sakit. The pain I felt, was all part of my past. Na hanggang ngayon sa panahong ito ay nandito parin ang kirot. I need to move forward and live each day.

I realized one thing, it would surely inflict you pain. When the main cause of it were the persons you value the most. Sinadya man iyon o hindi, may mga reason kung bakit nangyayari iyon. That doesn't mean, we will understand eventually – it takes time.

I remember, a certain person says, "Whatever their reason, they did it for you. Darating at darating din naman araw na mapapatawad mo sila at maiintindihan mo bakit."

In retrospect, whatever misconducts they did. There is always space for forgiveness. Hindi man agad-agad pero kalaunan ay maibibigay mo iyon. Masarap sa pakiramdam ang pagpapatawad. Yes, we may hurt in process, but times goes on we heal from pain. Forgiveness takes time.

"Monique, ang pagpapatawad ay binibigay ng kusa at hindi pinipilit." Those words from that certain someone. Somewhat help me to open my views in the outer perplexities of life.

When forgive from the deepest of your heart. It lifted the weigh on your own shoulder, iyong tipong nagpapagaan sa buhay mo. Kahit kailan, hindi magiging madali ang mabuhay na puno ng galit ang puso. You won't feel the genuine happiness, even if you have all things in life. Simply, a part of your soul isn't complete. No sense of forgiveness, things will be useless and your life as well.

My biological parents? It took sometime before I totally adjusted with them. It was no easy. Fitting into them, they had etiquettes and rules. Mahirap iyon para sa'kin dahil hindi naman akong lumaki sa ganoong uri ng pamumuhay. I was raised in simplicity, they are different.

Lanie always reminded me that I don't have to fit myself for them, it wasn't me. I did her advice, nagpakatotoo ako sa sarili ko. May mga bagay na akala natin mahirap pero hindi pala. Nilulukob lang tayo ng takot sa kung ano ang pwedeng sabihin. Hindi man madali pero may natutuhan ako. Lanie was a part of those learnings – my constant mentor and advisor. Plus, that certain someone I never expected to know.

I remembered that sentiments, "Not easy to move forward, if you don't have the acceptance."

At tama nga siya, minsan ang pagtanggap ang natatanging susi para magpatuloy. Walang nagsisimulang madali, o kaya naman magpatuloy na madali. We need to see the privilege and the value of various circumstances. At sa ganoon mas mauunawaan mo at mas madali ang pagtanggap.

"So? Accepting them will be the easier?" tiningnan ko siya, unlike Lanie palagi nalang siyang may sagot sa mga bagay. I don't know, but this person seems to fascinated with the how's of life. Calculated most of the time. Anak siya ng business partner ng biological father ko.

"It is Monique." The only person who called me by my second name. Paano kami nagkakilala? When my biological parents hosted a party for me – my fifteen birthday. Of course with my adopted parents' consent, na wala na din naman akong nagawa kundi pumayag.

"Might be your right, ang tanggapin sila." Pinag-isipan ko ang sinabi niya, when we were talking in the veranda of my biological parents' house.

When I accepted them, they did vice versa. Hindi nila mababago kung sino ako, cannot even resemble with their kind of life. Natanggap nila ang pagkakaiba. I also realized na kung magrerebelde ako ay walang mangyayaring maganda. It won't give any satisfaction.

Two things I realized with my family – twisted fate I guess. Learned to forgive and accept, in that matter letting yourself free from hate. When I come to know those, I gained not just one but two families. Who loves me beyond. This very time I'm more contented, having them are treasures which I thanked God.