Running Away is easy... It's the leaving that's hard (DSMP "Minors")

Ch.17 Tommy's inner thoughts

HAPPY PRIDE MONTH LOVES
6/1/22

He still thinks about them.

His previous family.

Phil, Wilbur, Techno.

Even Tubbo.

He still thinks about them sometimes. When he's curled up in his bed at night, lost in his thoughts unable to sleep as per usual. One of those reoccurring thoughts is always his family.

A thought that he can never seem to get out of his head, no matter how hard he tries. And believed him, he has.

He's tried hitting his head, banging the wall, smashing things, screaming, crying, trying to think about other thoughts, distracting himself. It never worked.

He knows that the others have heard it, he knows that they're used to it by now, they've tried stopping him but that's the one thing that Tommy needs to handle on his own. The one thing that he knows they won't understand.

He's thinking about them again right now. Huddled up in his nest-like bed of blankets and pillows piled on a mattress. Few of his possessions scattered around that he's tried to distract himself with. Nothing worked.

Due to his earlier scare he started thinking about them with the stress of Eryn somehow getting on the server, and the strain of the code he's trying to reinforce.

Stress causes him to overthink. And when he overthinks the topic of his head leads elsewhere and somehow he ends up overthinking about a completely different topic.

Right now he's thinking about the first people he could really call a family. Wondering what they'd think of him now. Would they be proud? Disappointed? Maybe even sad? Tommy doesn't know, and he's not even sure if he wants to know. He just, wonders.

His thoughts lead him to a string of childhood memories, that come right after escaping the lab, some bitter and some sweet. The smell of breakfast in the morning. Stargazing at night. Music during twightlight. Chatter in the afternoon. Laughter at sunset.

Some days filled with happiness and some were almost as sad as Tommy's current state of being.

He remembers the hatred he felt when he saw his father walk out that door. He remembers the absolute joy he felt when they adopted Tubbo. The curiosity he had when asking questions and earning responses with emotions that a child could not understand. Tears that were held in and smiles that were bittersweet. Eagerness that was shown only through eyes and the quirk up of lips.

A seven year old hadn't understood and he's not sure if he understands 10 years later sitting in a mess of blankets and pillows with tear filled eyes, clutching a pillow to his chest like it was a life line.

He double checked that the door was locked. He's never liked people seeing him in a state like this, no matter who they are. Especially if it was Shroud, he didn't was Shroud to be sad because Tommy was. That would be selfish of him, he thinks.

So he lays here on another sleepless night, letting his emotions fog up his mind.

He can't help but feel a sense of longing for the people he once called family. He wished he still could, although every bitter thought he has of them says otherwise.

His instincts and some part of his mind still wants to see them, even though the greater part of his mind screams no.

He's hurt them and they've hurt him, he doesn't know what he'd do if he had to face them again. He doesn't know what they'd do.

He feels a sob pull itself from his throat but he doesn't acknowledge it. Not even as more silent cries follow.

He's fine anyway. He doesn't really need them. They've made their opinion of him clear.

So he ignores the aching in his chest but doesn't try to push his own thoughts back. He just unconsciously chews at his lip until it bleeds, he doesn't acknowledge that either. He's learned that it's useless to try and ignore the thoughts that haunt him every once in a while.

He can handle it after all. At least he isn't falling asleep this time. If he isn't sleeping there can be no nightmares to bother him. Though he thinks this moment in time may just be a nightmare itself.

743
I forgot my own book existed...

Anyways here's a short thing and i'm happy that schools finally out for me

Have a good day/night!