Artificial Willpower

Focus

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It was the dead of night. 1:37 AM, according to the text in Yancy's vision.

Once again, he found himself trying to quiet his cries from yet another nightmare. He kept rubbing his hands on the sheets as if trying to wipe off the blood.

Benjamin's final emotion. His final look of horror kept flashing through Yancy's mind.

Yancy knew he wasn't supposed to walk, but just sitting there wasn't helping. He carefully got out of the bed, and limped out of the room.

He leaned on the wall and stared at his feet as he made his way to the kitchen. He was very careful with every metal step, lowering his foot slowly to make sure he wasn't loud.

He knew this wasn't prison. It wasn't like he would be punished or yelled at for leaving his room, but he didn't want to disturb Illinois' sleep.

Or disappoint him.

The house was dark, but that didn't hinder Yancy. He had to admit, the night vision was useful. He made it into the kitchen and grabbed a glass cup with his human hand. If he cracked the thick tray in the facility, the simple glass cup wouldn't stand a chance.

He set down the glass and turned on the faucet, before picking it up and filling the glass. It took a little longer since he made sure the water pressure was low.

As the cup filled, he realized he wasn't even thirsty. It was just something to do. A distraction. He let out a soft sigh as he set down the half full cup and shut off the faucet.

He picked up the glass and headed to the table. A second of inattentiveness was all it took for him to lose track of where the mechanics were. He tripped on his mechanical foot and tumbled to the floor.

The glass hit the ground and shattered half a moment before he hit the ground. He tried to catch himself with his forearms to prevent his face from hitting the floor. He winced as the metal clanged against the floor, and a jolt of pain was felt in his shoulder. He whimpered softly and rolled onto his back, away from the glass.

Pathetic, he thought as he lay on his back. The water soaked through his shirt. His shoulder hurt so much from the sudden strain that his eyes started to tear up. All he wanted was some water.

It was no surprise when he heard Illinois' door open. He braced himself for whatever Illinois had to say. Disappointment maybe? Annoyance? Yancy closed his eyes as he lay there, accepting defeat. Illinois didn't seem mean, but Yancy knew everyone had their limits. He wouldn't be surprised if someday (if not that night) he accidentally pushed Illinois to that point.

After a moment, the lights flickered on and Yancy heard him.

"Hey bud, you alright...?"

Yancy forced his eyes open and squinted, adjusting to the light before sitting up carefully.

" Yeah I'm good... just gettin some water." he mumbled. He felt humiliated as he glanced at the glass shards sitting in the water. "Sorry..."

Illinois grabbed some paper towels and a broom, "It's no biggie" He said lightly as he slipped on some slippers so he didn't cut his own feet.

No scolding. No disappointment...

Illinois started cleaning, "Next time though, you should call for me. You really shouldn't be on your leg right now"

Was that a scolding? Yancy decided it wasn't. "I know... sorry." he said again. He wanted to help Illinois clean the mess, but his shoulder was throbbing agonizingly. He clenched his jaw, trying to deal with it.

" Forgive me for calling your bluff, though. I don't believe for a second that you're up just for water. You seem like your head is somewhere else."

Yancy looked down," Nightmares again..." he admitted grudgingly. "I didn't wanna bother cause youse got work and stuff, and it's late. But I couldn't just sit there... Hurt too much..."

Illinois swept the glass into a pile and sat next to Yancy on the floor.

" Do you wanna talk about it?" Illinois asked gently, like a parent would. With concern.

"It was Ben... I'm kinda used to the one with my parents, but this is so... fresh..." Yancy stared at the floor. "In this dream, I could just sorta hear him. This time he wasn't angry... he was begging. Everything was black, and I could just hear pleads. When I could finally see, I had already... I had already done it"

Illinois thought for a moment, before saying "How about we give him a funeral?"

"Huh...?"

" I think if we did a little unofficial funeral, you could get a little closure. I don't think it can fix everything, but I think it could help you a little. You could properly apologize and pay your respects"

"Apologizin won't bring him back... It won't fix what I did"

" Yancy, as harsh as it sounds, nothing will. Nothing will bring him back. Nothing will bring back your limbs. Nothing will get back those ten years"

" 's this supposed to make me feel better?"

" Let me finish. You can stress about all the things you can't change forever. You can let guilt consume you and become a shell. Or, you can start by accepting those things happened. You can forgive yourself and instead of fixating on what's been done, you can focus on what you can do. The past is important, but I think it's mostly important because it's the foundation of the future."

Illinois smiled softly at him, "If you only focus on the past, then the past becomes pointless"

" He probably hates me though... It might be disrespectful or somethin..."

" You know, Yance... I honestly don't think the dead hold grudges, if there's anything after"

Yancy looked at him, wiping his eye. His eyebrows furrowed in confusion," I murdered him. Youse gonna tell me he ain't holdin a grudge? That don't make sense. Anyone would be upset. And I don't blame 'em"

" If there is any sort of afterlife, it's beyond... this. It's beyond everything here. I think in any sort of afterlife, Benjamin would be able to see why. Even if there was a situation where it was really out of cold-blooded murderous rage, I think people further on wouldn't see a point in bothering. I think they would be able to see a full picture, and not hold onto things that we see as big."

Illinois paused for a moment before saying, "Granted, I'm not the religious type. I dunno what others believe. I dunno if I think there's any sort of afterlife, or if I think there's not. But I think if there is an afterlife, they see grudges don't matter. At the end of the day, I don't think it matters to him if you do a funeral or not. An apology won't bring him back. But maybe it can help you start healing"

 "Maybe... " Yancy mumbled. He looked over at Illinois, wondering once again if he was doing this to take down any defenses Yancy could have, and to defuse any possible fight or flight, or if Illinois truly wanted to help him. Either way, Yancy could see the truth to his statements.

Plus, how was he supposed to take down the facility if he couldn't sleep, and not focus on the future like Illinois said?

Anger simmered in him. Benjamin didn't like the facility. Maybe Ben wasn't less than a lab rat, but what he wanted was disregarded. Through obligation and contracts, he was stuck there too. No good came of that facility. Yancy didn't think he would ever forgive himself, but if it took trying to heal to take that hellhole down, he would.

"Yah... Youse right. It's worth a shot"

Authors note: I know there's not a lot of action right now, but I have a lot on the horizon. If its too slow, please let me know! I love Wattpad because it's so interactive, and I can see what you guys want in real-time.

 Also, thank you for your patience! I have no plans on stopping this story any time soon, but I am a little swamped. I will be aiming for every Saturday still, but I apologize if I can't properly do that. Have a great day!