Suicide Watch

Chapter 20

Chapter 20

Temi POV

i couldn't breathe this morning as i thought of you,

the cold air in my face and my eyes.

my throat closed up as my eyes prickled.

and i am annoyed, and i'm pain

i'm angry but it's like screaming out into a void,

i am drowning and reaching my hands out, there's no one to hold on to,

no one to save me

I stare at my laptop screen for a while. This is the first poem I have written since Grace. And it's nothing but anger and helplessness. Nothing seems capable of getting me out of this funk and it only seems to have gotten worse these past few days.

I have been ignoring Isa for the past few days. She's been backing off as well, giving me space. I know she probably thinks I hate her. And yes, I do. I hate her for how she makes me feel. I hate her for what happened that night at the party. I hate her even more for how she completely put the blame on me the next day. But not as much as I hate myself. I genuinely think nothing tops the disdain and resentment I feel towards myself. I bury my head in my hands as a fresh wave of helplessness washes over me.

My pity party is abruptly interrupted by the sound of my phone ringing. I look at the caller ID to see it's my mom, whom I have not spoken to in weeks.

"Hi mom," I say, picking up the phone. I try to keep my voice stable, hoping she wouldn't notice the slight tremor in it.

"Temi," my mom says. Straight to business as usual, "how are you?"

For a moment, I contemplate actually telling her how I am. Informing her I am not at all good and the 'bodyguard' she hired to look after me is only making matters a lot worse. Then I remember who it is I'm dealing with. This is my mom. We don't have that mother-daughter relationship, more like business partners.

"I'm fine." I lie, "how are you?"

"I'm amazing, Temi. I'm finally about to go public with my campaign." A feeling of dread washes over me at hearing this. I know she had already mentioned her plans to run for New York State Governor, but I can't help the brief feeling that passes through me. My mom has already been a Senator for the past few years. Becoming Governor, let alone New York State Governor, only means she'll be even more distant from me.

My mom is ranting on about the process and her campaign, but my mind has wandered off. In my usual manner, the initial sadness I am feeling morphs into anger, simmering silently beneath my skin.

"...make sure to start packing your stuff, inform Isa of this. Anyway, I will call her later to inform her myself..."

"Wait, what?" I ask, realizing that I have somehow missed out on a crucial part of the conversation.

"Pack your bags for your trip this weekend."

"What trip this weekend?" I ask. I hear my mom sigh from the other end of the line as it's clear to her I have barely been paying attention to the conversation.

"I'm flying you out to New York City to spend time with me. Of course, Isabella will come along."

A brief excitement passes over me. My mom actually wants to spend time with me. She's flying me out. She actually cares about me and my feelings and probably realizes that the past few months have been very hard for me.