𝐂𝐀𝐔𝐂𝐇𝐄𝐌𝐀𝐑𝐒 / 𝐍𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓 𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄𝐋𝐋

𝐯𝐚𝐠𝐮𝐞 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐜𝐞𝐩𝐭 𝟐.𝟏 ༯

༣྅⊹ ࣪˖¸𝐯𝐚𝐠𝐮𝐞 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐜𝐞𝐩𝐭¸˖ ࣪⁩⊹྅༣ ༯

𖥦 𝐣𝐮𝐧𝐞 𖥦

we drove that night. somewhere far, far away, down some empty road in the middle of nowhere california.

and we drove fast.

so fast that the air around us was lifting my braids making them fly behind me. for a little while i hung out the window, arms extended over my head, trying to feel death touch my fingertips.

freedom kissed my skin, weaved through my fingers, tied knots in my eyelashes. i didn't dare open my eyes. i think if i did, the grim reapers face would be the last thing i ever saw.

and he was probably not a pretty sight.

exsanguination by killstation was blaring through the speakers and i was screaming my head off. it was like all the pain i was feeling was just dissolving into thin air. i wasn't high but i had been drinking so that could've been a reason why i felt so light.

"i never said you would be alone when you died, waste my life with you, spend it by your side," i didn't even hear myself singing the words, the air muffled everything.

there was a thought— a reoccurring vision would be a better way to describe it. i kept envisioning us crashing, me grabbing the wheel and us swerving off the road, barreling into oblivion. then we'd cease to exist.

at least then lovell would be the last thing i saw. his beautiful face scorched into my brain as it all came to an end.

slowly i slid back into the my seat, sitting on my hands as to keep from doing something bad.

whenever i glanced at the speedometer we were edging just shy of 90mph.

now, more than ever, this song spoke to me. so i replayed it again.

"spill all the guts of the people that trust me,"

and again.

"it's just me, i'm nothing, so love me and just me,"

again.

"adjust me and fuck me, i need to feel something,"

again.

"turn me to stone and then shatter my skeleton,"

and again.

"evil remains and the rest is irrelevant,"

until i was silent, staring at the trees whizzing past the car, becoming obscure shapes against a dark backdrop.

my eyes stung when i finally let archaea start. it was so hard to breathe, all i could do was scream. and when my lungs were completely empty i screamed some more. how could these songs sum up my mind state so perfectly?

i wasn't even sad.

or maybe i was.

i turned my head to lovell, counting his freckles to keep me focused, to keep me together but it was hard.

it was dark. everything in my life was so dark.

i paused the music but my ears were still clogged and my mouth wouldn't open.

"you okay, princess?" he asked softly, knuckles white from how hard he was gripping the wheel.

the car slowed down, though it didn't feel like it, even as i watched the speedometer drop to a pathetic 40mph.

"no."

something was actually broken inside me.

"what's wrong?"

i stole a line from his book. "there's a lot going on in my head."

lovell pursed his lips. "like what?"

"like i wanna die." i leaned back, tipping my head to face the roof. "i just feel so dissatisfied with my life."

"me too." he said and i laughed to keep myself from breaking.

i didn't want to cry. but, god, was it all coming on so strong.

"i'm sorry... i know-" he hesitated. "i'm not making shit easier."

it wasn't just him though. part of it was my fault. i wasn't allowing myself to actually get the help i needed.

everything i did needed to be right, even when i knew it was wrong. and maybe my therapist knew that. my answers were always safe, carefully worded statements. i wanted to be right.

i also wanted help, real help to fix my life.

and i wanted lovell.

and, in my heart, i knew he wanted me. i just couldn't understand why. i guess i didn't really need to understand why his mind worked the way it did.

i opened my palm and when he grabbed it i felt safe. all the dread that had been sitting in my chest this morning vanished.

"i love you."

"i know." i whispered kissing his knuckles gingerly. 

༣྅⊹ ࣪˖¸𝐯𝐚𝐠𝐮𝐞 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐜𝐞𝐩𝐭¸˖ ࣪⁩⊹྅༣ ༯