Edward's Interlude

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Don't breathe, don't look at her, don't think about her.

She is just a human girl, a human girl who I wanted to eat. So much that I had even considered killing innocent people. A thought that I hadn't ever entertained, even when I had left Carlisle.

I'd heard about the effects that specific humans could have on vampires. How their scent enticed them enough to forego any amount of self control they'd ever cultivated. No one in my family had ever encountered such a human, and I'd always prayed I wouldn't either. But fate had other plans.

It took everything in me not to ruin everything Carlisle had built for us right then and there. To not doom my family to a death at the hands of the Volturi's executioners. To not end the life of an innocent girl, and everyone else in the room just because of my lack of self control.

If I truly considered myself to be more than a monster, then I would be able to overcome this.

Unfortunately, this did not stop the formulation of plans in my mind. How easily I would be able to dispose of everyone in the room, so that there would be no witnesses. To bite into her neck, and drink my fill.

No! You have more control than this, you are not an animal!

An echo of my plans distracted me. They weren't right, not exactly the same. As if it was a mere silhouette of my thoughts, echoing my distress and fear back at me.

And then I realized. I was reading someone's mind. I could see ripples of my thoughts, my fears, in theirs. This distracted me for a moment, the sheer terror of someone knowing what i was contemplating washing over me. Strong enough to regain control.

The source of these echoes weren't far. She sat at the table next to mine. The previous transfer to Forks, Eleonor Gonzalez.

She was facing him, eyes wide but the rest of her face was calm, but her eyes didn't register his stare. She bawled her fists and slowly turned her head to the teacher, again not really seeing him, and closed her eyes. She took three deep breaths and relaxed her hands.

She looked back in my direction, and seemed shocked to see me staring. For a moment, I wondered if she could read my thoughts. I'd never encountered another telepath before. But when she believed it all to be a vivid intrusive thought, I knew she had not actually read my mind. Something else was going on, something I was not equipped to decipher at the moment as another wave of my lab partner's scent hit me.

I stopped my breathing entirely after that and counted the seconds until the bell rang.

The moment it did I made my way out of class, as quickly as I could without exposing myself. This was probably not good for my image, but I would deal with that later.

I tried to remedy it the human way, simply transferring out of the class, it was the only one i had with her. If i could cut out my direct contact with her, surely the problem would be resolved. After all, hasn't she been here all day? And I hadn't had a problem with her until we were in close proximity. If I could play my cards right, this would be resolved with a quick trip to the head office.

Fate had other plans however, as midway through my conversation she made her way into the office. Cutting short my attempts at manipulating the secretary to change my schedule.

As I made my way out I almost ran into her, and honestly I could've been more polite. It wasn't her fault after all. But I could hardly think straight.

After that I left Forks entirely, without so much as a goodbye.

I couldn't face my family, not after having considered doing such terrible things. It was cowardly, but I simply could not do it. Would Carlisle be disappointed? Would Esme pity me? What would my siblings think of me now? I was the oldest of us, am I not supposed to be an example to them?

I made my way up to Alaska, to stay with the Denali coven. They were our sister coven, and the only one we had met so far that shared our views on human life.

When I arrived Tanya was already waiting for me, an amused look on her face. I sighed, knowing that this meant Esme had already called, in a panic no doubt.

"I didn't think you missed me that much" she joked.

"It's complicated"

"Isn't it always?"

"Will you tell Esme I'm here"

"I'll let you do that yourself, when you're ready"

"Thank you"

Tanya and I had a strange history, there was a time when we both thought we might be mated. And after a long and clumsy courting, we both decided it didn't fit. Despite this, we stayed close, she was easy to get along with, never taking things too seriously.

The Denali in general were all very open minded, unlike most of us, they had started out drinking human blood. And eventually, out of their own strength and will make the change. Something I would always respect. I cannot imagine how hard it must've been to make that change after centuries of drinking human blood, I was hardly able to do it with only a decade under my belt.

It took me three days to finally call my family and explain myself. Esme was heartbroken that I had chosen to run away instead of asking for help.

"We're your family Edward!" she pleaded "We can help you!"

"I know, I'm sorry"

"You don't have to apologize, just know that well be here when you're ready"

"Thank you" my throat was tight, and if a few tears were shed, Tanya had not addressed them.

For the two weeks that i stayed with them, the Denali did not pry, did not ask questions. I'm sure they had some sort of idea what was happening, but they knew much about battling thirst, and I needed time.

It was only on my last day, after a hunt, that Tanya put her foot down and addressed the issue, far from the ears of her family.

"Do you know why we changed our diet?"

"I always assumed you grew a conscience"

"Rude" she punched my arm "No, we did it because we were lonely"

I blinked "There were three of you originally, no?" She nodded "How were you lonely?"

She laughed, like id told the funniest joke "When you live like that for too long, you begin to lose yourself"

I listened to her story intently.

"When our mother was alive, it was better. We still moved around a lot, but we weren't nomads. We controlled ourselves to a certain extent. But when she was killed, we were so angry, and without her we were lost" she stared off into the general direction of her home "We spent almost two centuries as nomads, only focusing on our next meal. In that state, you start to forget yourself, who you are, what you like, even the memories of your human life. We were basically animals, staying together because there was strength in numbers, not because we were sisters"

"That's terrible"

"It was," she exhaled a laugh. "Irina was the one that brought us back, I think it's because she's the youngest. She just started crying one day, she said she couldn't remember mothers face. That she didn't want to forget anything else. So you see, we were together, but we weren't a family. After that, it was a few decades before we got back on our feet. But we made it"

"Why are you telling me this now?"

"Because you need to know" she put her hand on my shoulder "I don't know exactly why you left Forks, and you don't need to tell me. But, you should know that you're not your thirst, you were a person before you were a vampire, and that will always be in you. So as long as you know who you are, and who you want to be. You'll always be able to beat it" She gave a beautiful genuine smile "You'll make mistakes, but everyone does. And if you keep running from them, you'll never gain full control. Do you understand?"

I returned her smile "Thank you"

The next day I found the courage to go home. And just like before, I was welcomed with open arms, no questions asked. 

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