The man with the gloves [bucky barnes ff]

79

Isla's POV

The thing about me is that I hate to be wrong. To be fair, I hate many things but being called out is one of them. And another one of my many flaws is that I am stubborn. A character trait I must've inherited from my mother. Or maybe I learned it from her. Or maybe it's just something I developed myself because I need to stop shifting the blame on everyone around me.

My mother was wrong for yelling at me, insulting me like that, and she was wrong for everything she'd said to James. She had no right to make him feel small and make him insecure. I don't know if I'll ever forgive her for this when she's the one who made him leave me and therefore turned my whole world upside down.
But truth is, she's not responsible for how he reacted. She's not responsible for how I acted once he came back.

Gen isn't to blame either. She only wanted to protect me, only wanted to heal me when I couldn't heal myself. I started sabotaging myself and doing things that I knew would hurt me in the aftermath and I never realised how unfair I was being to myself until I started treating others the same way.

And Kyle. God, Kyle. I hate the way I handled thing ever since the beginning. He was nothing but caring and understand and I gave him hope knowing that I am not ready for a new relationship. I was stupid and thought that I could learn to love him which is bullshit. But I realised that way too late.
And when we sat there a week ago, having a date at a fancy restaurant because he wanted to surprise me, I couldn't do it anymore. I had to break up. I had to be honest with him and admit that I was still in love with my ex and that I don't see myself loving anymore else, at least not in the near future.
And when he sat there, trying to be nice, saying that it's okay, that he understands, and when he thanked me for my honesty but then secretly blinked away his tears, I wanted to die.
I was so full of guilt and couldn't talk to anyone about it since I pushed everyone I cared about me away, I went to a bar and got drunk. Then I went to the only person who'd make the pain worse.
James.

James is innocent, too. Partly. Because he made that decision over a month ago and left without trying to work things out with me. He made that decision to ignore my calls and reach out to everyone else but me. But he came back. He apologised. Over and over again. He explained himself and I played with him. Just like how I played with Kyle but I was way more disgusting towards James.

He didn't deserve any of it. I provoked him, then made him feel guilty because I was into it. I am the one played with his feeling. I used him last week. I knew he loved me and that he'd do anything to be close to me. And I used him.

Tears start pooling into my eyes. I used him, knowing that he was used his entire life by Hydra. I gave him my body even though I knew I was still not ready to give him my heart.
God. I am a terrible person.

Maybe that's why this is happening to me.
Maybe this is life's twisted way of paying me back.
I just wish it would be a way that didn't involve ruining someone else's life, too.