okay but like what is with me and wanting to be punished
like
i'll be a dick to him and then like when i apologize he'll say it's okay and i'm like???? no it's not?? why the fuck aren't you screaming and cussing me out right now??? it's like i WANT him to get angry because i know i deserve it
thinking about it i'm like "hmm maybe that isn't healthy, wonder why i want to be punished so badly"
*shrugs* i can acknowledge that it's strange but i can't really understand the reasoning of it. i shouldn't be upset that he's respectful and understanding with me like wtf is that?. is this trauma response idk
