i'm in a mood so i'm gonna vent some more here instead of in poems, because here i don't need to try and make it pretty. tw it's pretty much all abt an abusive relationship
you took something from me. it might not seem like much to you, but that experience is something that's always going to be an influence on my life. and not just that. the whole time we were together, that entire dynamic, is something i'm having to unlearn even now, months later. i'm still afraid sometimes that if i speak my mind it'll end up in an argument. even though i know that's not the case with him.
sometimes i worry he might want to be with other people. he tells me he doesn't, and i try to believe him, but it's hard after i spent so long with you knowing you wanted other people. knowing you hadn't been hiding your desires from them at all, but would still lie to me and say you didn't want anyone else. you lied to me for- hell, probably our whole fucking "relationship." and that was a hard thing to come to terms with, but it also still affects me now in terms of my ability to trust. i love my partner (i love him so much) and i trust him (a whole lot more than i trusted you), but sometimes it's hard to separate the past from the present. i know he's nothing like you, but sometimes my brain can't comprehend that. in my brain, you're still here. in the worries, the insecurities, the trust issues.
he isn't like you. i have to tell myself that a lot, whenever the worries get to be too much. and it's obvious that he's nothing like you. you cared about me, sure, but it wasn't the same. i was just like any other friend to you, except that i would sleep with you. but him? he loves me, and i don't have to doubt it. he wants to be with me, he chose to live with me for god's sake. that alone proves he's your opposite, lmao.
but i think whatever my relationship was with you really fucked me up. that's not to say you never did anything for me, because that's untrue. i do appreciate the good you did for me, but i can't let that overshadow all the bad anymore. because there was a lot more bad than good with us. and for the longest time i used it as an excuse. i ignored the bad because there was a little bit of good. i let that small bit fuel a ton of undeserved optimism. i kept hoping for things to get better, and they got worse, and they got worse, and then. i just. i wanted to stay, but i knew i couldn't handle much more. i tried to leave, then you made me regret it.
but when i met him, that's when things got better. for me, at least.
although i still dealt with the aching guilt of having hurt you. i don't think i stopped feeling guilty until maybe a few weeks ago, honestly. it was months i felt like a villain. and then i just... idk. i guess i just moved on, finally. i'm done blaming myself for everything. that's one habit i want rid of. and sure, that one isn't all on you, but it didn't help how practically every argument we had somehow ended up being all my fault.
i think you're the one who's jaded, despite your telling everyone else that it's us. telling us not to trust our memories, since they're so unreliable anyway, that you really know what happened. we must be confused, right?
it's frustrating, not knowing if i can trust my own mind. it's something i have to deal with a lot, and you made it worse by always telling me how terrible my mind and memory was.
i don't know how much was real with you. i don't know how much you cared about me, or if you just felt possessive of me because of the sexual nature of our relationship.
all i really know for certain is that you've done some things that aren't okay, and that you've hurt me, and you've hurt other people. that's all i know for sure. do you have to doubt your own mind like that? do you have to question your own memories to make sure they're real?
