Castiel Imagines

Always Here

When Skylar's world is falling apart, guess who's there to help her pick up the pieces.
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"I'm always here for you".

It was a sentence that meant everything, but at the same time means absolutely nothing unless it can be proved. But it can't. Everyone has their own lives and struggles to deal with. Families, jobs, the lot. It didn't make any sense to me to go to someone else with my problems in the hopes that they would drop everything to help me. It sounded selfish, so I always kept my problems to myself. To deal with them myself. Although, it gets harder when I'm not quite sure what to do. Or if I even want to do anything about it. Every day was the same nowadays. Get up, go to work or get a plane to the next convention. I smile, laugh and joke around with everyone like usual. And I have fun, that's what these things are for, right? But it is exhausting trying to convince myself that I am happy when I'm not. Not really. I want to be, but it gets harder. Sometimes I don't even want to get out of bed and it's not that I'm lazy or too tired. It's more mental and emotional exhaustion. I've pretty much given up on sleeping. A full nights sleep is impossible.

I have a convention to attend this weekend. I'm getting a plane with Misha tomorrow and meeting up with Jared and Jensen, who are flying in from Austin, Texas. And although, Lord knows how much I adore those boys, I was not looking forward to it. It had nothing to do with them, of course. I was exhausted and mentally drained. I didn't want to go to the convention, I just wanted to stay in bed and not move instead. I hadn't slept much at all this week. It seemed like my insomnia and depression had decided to say hello. I didn't want to see anyone, but that's all I would be doing all weekend. It was overwhelming.

I felt tears fill my eyes as I took a shaky breath. It was almost 1 am and I was still sitting on my couch in the living room. I was thinking about calling Misha. I didn't want to wake him up, but he was the only one who knew about my 'episodes'. It wasn't my intention for him to know, he found out accidentally. However, he's the one who always uses that special phrase and in his defence, he's never let me down. Of course, he doesn't know the full extent of it. He doesn't know that I haven't been sleeping well or how mentally drained I feel. Before I could think any more about it, I pick my phone up with trembling hands.

I click on his name and press the phone to my ear. To my utter surprise, he picks up on the fourth ring. "Hey, Skye. Everything okay?". From the tone of his voice, I could tell I had woke him up and I instantly felt terrible. I play with my sleeve nervously as a tear slips down my cheek. "Skye, are you there? What's wrong, sweetheart?" He asks. More tears fell down my cheeks just from hearing his voice. "I'm sorry for waking you up" I mumble into the speaker. He sighs "Don't be ridiculous. Are you okay?". Then I completely broke down and sobbed "No. Mish, can you stay on the phone with me?". "I'll do you one better. I'm coming over" He replies. I shake my head, even though he can't see me "No, Misha. Please don't". "This isn't up for discussion, Skylar. I'm not letting you be alone like this. If you think calling me at one in the morning in tears isn't gonna worry me, you are way wrong" He tells me. I don't say anything in fear of crying more. After a few minutes, he hums "Sweetheart, what's making you cry like this. Hm?". I still don't answer him, but then there was a knock on the door. "Skye, it's me. Let me in" He sighs quietly. "It's open" I mumble. I hang up, hearing the door open and close.

He sits on the couch beside me "Skye-". I looked at him and he immediately stopped whatever he was going to say. His expression softens as does his voice "Oh, come here, sweetheart. Shh, don't cry". He moves closer so he can put his arms around me. I leaned into him, burying my face into his neck. I tried to keep myself from crying again. He rubs my arm soothingly, then sighs softly "Skye, you don't have to do that. Please don't hold anything in just because I'm here. I'm not gonna judge you". As soon as the words left his lips, I couldn't keep it together any longer.

At some point I had ended up sitting on his lap, facing him. It felt like hours I was crying on him for. The whole time, he just sat quietly. Occasionally whispering comforting things to me, but it was like he had been waiting for this to happen. When my crying reduced to quiet sniffles, I pulled away from him a little. He didn't say anything, but reached up to brush a few stray tears away with his thumb. "Misha" I mumble. He hums in response, nodding for me to continue. "I... I can't do it anymore" I sigh. He frowns "What?". "Pretending I'm okay and everything is fine when it's not. And I'm not. I... It's hard" I admit. He sits up, then takes my hands "Skye, no one ever said you had to. You're right, you can't keep doing that. No one can. But it might help if you talked about it. I've been told I'm a pretty good listener". I sigh quietly, playing with his hand "Okay. I... don't want to get on that plane tomorrow. I love going to the conventions and seeing fans. But I'm tired and not just physically. I'm tired of smiling at people and not actually meaning it. I feel... drained and it gets worse every day. I'm not sure what to do, if I even want to do anything about it. I can't sleep anymore, I've given up on that. It's exhausting, Mish. Trying to convince myself I'm okay".

"Skye, listen to me, okay? There is absolutely nothing you have to convince yourself or anyone else of. Now, I will sit with you, I'll hold you and listen to you for as long as you need me to. It's okay to feel like this, but you can't keep all that to yourself. If you can't find it in you to smile, I'll do it for you. I said I would always be there for you. Why didn't you tell me before it got too much?" He frowns. I shrug "It's not your problem, Misha. You have your own stuff to deal with". He shakes his head "Skye, that's not true. It is my problem because I care about you. You have no idea how much it breaks my heart seeing you like this, do you?". I look at him "Misha, I can't just... depend on you. You aren't always going to be there". "Yes, I will" He replies. I frown "That isn't a promise you can keep. You can't say that and actually mean it". He sighs "Skylar, I promise I'll always be there. No matter what. I'll pick up when you call. I'll hold you just like this if that's what you want or need. I'll hold your hand, I'll pick you up if you fall. Hell, I'll carry you the rest of the way if I have to. If there is something you need me to do, I'll do it. Because I am not going to make the same mistakes I have before. I've stood by and done nothing but watch people go down this road and I lost them. I am not losing you. If you're heading down that way, I am going with you whether you want me to or not. You are important to me and I can't lose you. I won't. So, I'll do whatever it takes to make you stay here with me". As he spoke, his eyes filled with tears and I watched as one fell down his cheek. After listening to his words, I looked down at my hands which were being held by Misha's. My heart leapt at the thought of how much he cares about me. I was wondering if it was the same as how much I cared about him. It was a 50/50 chance. It could ruin everything between us and everything he said would just be an empty promise. It was like he read my mind.

I was still looking at our hands. He lifts one of his and gently placed it under my chin. Then he makes me look at him in time to see a few more tears fall down his cheek. I wiped them away with my thumb "Misha...". His eyes were watery as he smiled softly and nodded. He chuckled a little "I thought I made it obvious, no?". "I don't think you know what you're agreeing to, Mish" I mumble. "Don't I?" He smiles. I frown. "You wanna say it first or do you want me to?" He sighs. I shrug "I... I don't know. What if it's not what we think it is?". He nods "You make a good point. Tell you what, I'll be brave. Close your eyes. If you don't want this, I give you full permission to slap me as hard as you can. Okay?". I couldn't help but giggle "Okay". He smiles "Alright, do you trust me?". I nod "Of course I trust you". He chuckles softly "Then why are you trembling and not closing your eyes?". "Because I'm nervous. I don't wanna hit you" I reply. "Oh, believe me. You will if it's not what you want" He sighs. I look at him. "It's okay. Whenever you're ready" He says softly. I nod and take a breath before closing my eyes.

"Alright. You ready?" He asks and I nod again. "Okay" He mumbles. I felt him sit up and lightly press his lips against mine. I could've sworn my heart leapt into my mouth for a second. I decided I didn't want to slap him. I just didn't want him to pull away. So, after a moment I moved closer to him and slowly started to kiss him back. I could feel him smile against my lips as he puts his arms around me. My hands were resting comfortably on his chest. I could feel the promise in the kiss and I knew immediately that I was going to depend on him most of the time. I pulled away when I started to run out of breath. He looks at me with a heart-stopping smile before whispering "I'm not going anywhere, sweetheart. I love you". I return his smile shyly "I love you too, Misha".
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- WS