End Game [IARWEB 2]

2 | A Letter Full Of Feels

Dear Sana noona,
You're a good writer but I'm not. Since you're working on the drama and needs my help, I'll write my feelings for you. I still can't believe that you're inspired by my story to create a new drama series, but whatever.

You're writing the guy who is too afraid to fall in love, but still does, and end up making the relationship toxic because of his insecurities. Sounds like me.

Umm... From where should I start? That club thing! Yeah. That's when it started. At first, I won't lie, I was lowkey obsessed with the girl who saved me from myself that night. But when found no trace of her, I gave up.

It might seem stupid, but I had a pep talk session with myself in the mirror when I was casted in the 'Moon lovers'. I was pretty determined to not fall for my leading lady, you know. The guilt deep inside of me wouldn't let me move on, but again some things are inevitable.

God must've had a good laugh at my resistance though.

I don't remember what Hera was like when I first met her. I just... wasn't present in the moment. Can you feel the pathetic vibe all from here? Lol. Jongin teased me when he came to know that I had a love line in the drama. Well, in this matter, I had the last laugh. (You know what I mean. You should definitely write a story about them too). Back to me, I was in the middle of nowhere when I realized how much close Hera and I had gotten over the period of time. But that's an old talk, right?

About my feelings... ummm I love her. I'm so lucky to find love in her. Even though our bad moments overshadowed good ones, I would like to say that I like my choice of going after her. I hope she likes hers too. Whatever we had. Beautiful. Ugly. Painful. Whatever it was, it's ours. Only ours. I got to have a period of my life with her.

You know I used to think in school that whoever gets to be with me, she would be a lucky girl (narcissistic thinking, I know, but again I was in school). Now that I think of Hera, I can say that whoever will be with her, he would be a lucky person.

She loved me when I didn't even want to look at myself. Her love was like a warm blanket, shielding me from the world. But it couldn't save me from my own self.

Hera moved like an angel, loved like a woman, and hated like a devil.

I got a flashback of that time when she was still ignoring my existence. I had hurt her. It was expected. That time she went to Aroma and created a scene. Afterwards, she fell asleep there. Sunhee called me and I went to the restaurant. I remember sitting there, holding her hand. She was cold, but still herself. I remember crying when noticed her tear streaked face. I remember feeling empty. I remember feeling overwhelmed. It was like everything happening all at once.

In the midst of chaos created by my mind, I had forgotten whom I was in love with. I could have been sad, happy, angry, frustrated, ashamed and every other emotion in the world, and still be living my best life. I would have been able to do it all with her by my side. It's unreal how much I can write about her. Then there are other times when I don't know how to express my love for her. Words failed me those moments.

Love is important to me. Of course, it is. But so is respect. And right now I don't think we respect each other enough. She is still accepting whatever happened between us, just like me. She doesn't respect me though. Resentment dies slowly.

I won't say that she was not the right girl to fall in love with. Nor I would say I was a wrong guy for her.

If only our timing was right.

To be honest even talking about it feels weird now. It has been years and I'm still stuck there. Why? I've no idea. I don't talk about these things much now. People get fed up with your sadness. I don't want anyone to tell me 'move on'. I mean, I'm moving on, but sometimes people make you feel worse about feeling what you are going through. They don't understand.

Things are going well for me though. As well as they can be. I'm opening up and having a good time with my members and fans. I'm going to enlist soon. It feels unreal again. At this point, I'm living in a fever dream.

I'm talking bullshit. Am I not?

Lay hyung visited us last week. He is hung up on Fei still. Sunhee still feels for Kai. At least I think so. Don't even get me started on Chanyeol and Iseul. Then Suho and Alanna. Geez. They make my head hurt. But again they understand what I'm going through the most.

Only a wearer know where the shoe pinches. Right?

Signing off,
Byun Baekhyun.

__________________________

I completed Lay's story. We have two more (Kai and Suho) to go and then we can officially start this one!