End Game [IARWEB 2]

3 | Moral Of The Story

I try not to say it often, but guys please try to comment on the chapters.

Dearest Sana unnie,
First of all, thank you for considering my unfulfilled love story as an inspiration for the current drama you're writing. Ummm.. you must've received Baekhyun's first, I know because he's a man of simple yet concrete words when it comes to talk about what conspired between us both.

I visited him last week. He's enlisted now. I don't know what came over me that night, I just knew I had to see him before he goes to serve his nation. Can you imagine how long it had been for us both to be in the same room? You can't. To say it was awkward would be an understatement. That visit made me realize something though. Something important. For telling you that, I'll need to let you in on another memory of mine. When we were together, Sunhee invited us to join her and Jongin on their trip to the countryside. A visit to her grandmother. I did not want to go at first. I thought it was a private visit, but Baekhyun and she convinced me to tag along.

I remember being by Baekhyun's side, him holding my hand, dancing in the middle of the night. He even gave me a piggyback one time when I had a shoe lost on our way back to the residence. I remember feeling comfort and happiness. His carefree laugh. I remember thinking... Ah. This is what I want for the rest of my life. This Baekhyun.

Carefree and laughing. Not scared of showing his affection.

We even took a walk down the street after dinner. Our hands brushed. His eyes twinkled. I remember thinking I want to walk with him by my side for the rest of my life. To have this peace with him. To have him come to me with that smile always.

I remember sitting beside him. It was a silent moment. Neither of us talked. Just bathed in the presence of each other. Then Sunhee and Jongin joined us and we all had a great time talking and going down to the memory lane. It was surreal seeing Baekhyun like that, you know. I had almost forgotten this memory of us, but last time when I saw Sunhee, I saw our photos and it kind of made me think of him.

I remember it all too well.

Now back to the topic, we were together in a room. Alone. No one was beside us to calm down my beating heart or go over my trembling hands. We sat by each other. He ordered a pizza, and I just... I don't know what really we talked about that night. Like I think we talked about politics? Kopop? Books? Games? Everything but about ourselves. He didn't ask but I know he had seen me in 'Your muse' with my friend. I slipped the information about my single life in between our talks casually and he looked so relieved to know that I wasn't actually in a relationship.

Now about that realisation, I thought of it a lot. About him. About our memories. I have blamed him for these past few years for what he did to us. Maybe not verbally, but my consciousness always reminded me of him being a red flag. I tried to move on, but the resentment stayed in my heart.

Not anymore though. The thing I realised is that if Baekhyun sabotaged our relationship then so did I. I had this image of Byun Baekhyun in my mind. Considering that our first official casual date was with Sunhee and Jongin, and how beautiful it was, I guess, I made a scenario in my mind that this was what our relationship would be like for my whole life. That I would get this version of Baekhyun, the carefree, hand holding, and loving person he was on the trip. A trip to the countryside where nobody knew him.

I forgot though. That Baekhyun was just not that. He had his insecurities and traumas too. But I refused to accept it. Accept those versions of him. I was selfish and stepped back the moment things got tough, or didn't go according to what I initially wanted them to be like. It's complicated, but this is what I've come to accept.

Love shouldn't be a fantasy in our minds. If you love a person, you need to accept him. Whole him. Then and only then you can start discussing about your personal thoughts with your partner. I never accepted Baekhyun's other version. So he never opened up to me. He never accepted my other version where I was an insecure child who didn't know where to go or what to do after things went downhill.

I guess we both thought that we could pull this off with a good version of each other, but failed miserably. That's the thing, unnie. I don't resent him anymore. Nor do I hate myself for being a wallflower. I'm just content to accept this as it is, but I also hope that in future when things are good again, we can meet, and make our relationship better. Whether romantically or as an industry friend. Whatever he would want.

I feel sorry for him. Instead of being his strength, I gave him more trauma. Funny thing is that I thought I was being the mature one, who was stepping up her game, but the truth is that I was just looking for a reason to walk away from him. There was a part of me that whispered to me every day that I wasn't good enough for him. I'm glad I could leave that part behind, and I also hope that he would forgive me one day.

Sunhee and I are very excited about this upcoming drama. She told me about the cast. Sunhee, TXT Yeonjun, Kim woobin, 5nyx Ella. You've got a stellar cast for yourself. I'm rooting for you.

Love,
Hera.

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