Beautifully Flawed

Chapter 12

Chapter 12 – one

Like he had mentioned before, he was currently sitting outside on the patio of his grandfather's estate. He had a glass of lemonade on the table in front of him as he watched Sasha stand in front of the lake that graced the back of their yard. He would've joined her but lately he hasn't been feeling like himself. Ever since the memorial service, his body has been tense, and a heaviness often occupied his chest and head. He was accustomed to the feeling the flareup his lupus caused but this was something different. With that being said, he decided to just stay in and relax the best way he knew how. He had six weeks left before his vacation was over and he was going to use the time to figure his next move out.

Lost in his own space, AJ didn't realize Sasha rejoined him on the patio. She sat next to him, reaching over to interlock his stiff fingers into hers. She kissed the back of his hand before placing them onto her thigh. She snuggled closer into his side as the wind started to pick up.

"How are you feeling?" She asked. AJ looked over at her, his eyes wondering over her face before he set them back at the lake. "I remember when I was 17 and I discovered I had lupus...I felt like my life was falling apart." AJ sighed.

"I was finally back with my family and getting that news made me feel like I was being plucked from their hands, yo' know?" His eyebrows knitted together as if he was reliving the memories. "I remember sitting in front of the lake and I don't know what the fuck happened, but I was under water—trying to stop pain that wasn't even there. I don't know why but I felt like I should've died that day...like it would be best for everyone without such a burden on their shoulders." Sasha listened to him, no sign of judgment in sight.

She wasn't here to do that either. She was here to be a system for AJ... that's what he needs from her

"Foolish of me to think that trying to kill myself would be easier than to ruff it through life like I've been doing for so long, but I just wanted a break. It was like once I found something good—something okay! God tried to pull me back down and I was sick of feeling low." His voice was hoarse and rigged. He was getting emotional, but he was doing a good job of not letting it over consume him. The reason why he was blaming God was very simple.

For an entity to be all knowing and a protector he was doing a shitty job at keeping his child from any dangers. It was as if he was allowing everything AJ to go through without even a care in the world. Like God was just a figment of his imagination. like god never existed.

"And what happened after?" She asked, eyes still pressed to the side of his face. "I remember waking up wrapped in my father's body. I realized that no matter how much I wanted to die, the pain wouldn't have ended with me. It would just travel to others and I couldn't put them through that." He shook his head, almost as if he was scolding himself.

"I felt horrible. It was horrible. Although my dad and grandfather said they understood what I was going through I couldn't help but feel like I was in this battle alone. But that quickly changed on Father's Day. We were at Virginia Beach for a picnic and that day I wasn't feeling the best, but I didn't want to put the attention on me. My dad and pop made me and my sister their priority all the time, but I just wanted them to feel appreciated."

"But it didn't go that way huh?" He nodded in agreement. "I had a heart attack right before we could even unpack the car." Sasha gasped which caused him to chuckle lightly. "Ohh! It gets better..."

"At the hospital, they ran test after test, trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Turned out I had a form of epilepsy." Sasha's eyes bulged out of her head causing him to laugh even more. "How the hell Is that possible?" She asked, still in full disbelief.