Memory is Futile

Chapter I: Memory is Futile

Water. Loud and bubbly, boiling in the kettle on the stove as it sat on the heat, teacup ready and teabag sitting at the bottom with the string hanging out over the side. I sat on the cold kitchen counter, staring at the floor and swinging my feet back and forth against the cabinets.

Kat...he'd come down with something, at least, that's what we thought at first. He came home one day, said he didn't feel well. He laid in bed for days on end. When he still wasn't feeling right, we got him checked out. They told me he was fine, said he had the flu and that it would clear up after a few days, told us to come back if it got worse. It didn't clear for another two weeks. Eventually, he started to forget to call out of work and I thought it was because his day-to-day routine was so repetitive now that he got it mixed up. Then came the tremors. It hurt to sit there and watch while he was shaking in certain fingers and to hold the cup for him. I thought it was some weird drowsiness effect or something.

Next were the night terrors. I would wake up to Kat trembling with his knees pulled up to his chest. He was still forgetting to call out. His tremors became less common but soon enough, insomnia took their place. He would sit awake at night and stare at the ceiling for hours on end. Naturally, with it came the hallucinations from improper sleep. They started out mild and they got worse with time. I knew then that something was wrong but I didn't say anything. I still thought it had to do with the flu. Maybe his sinuses were too clogged to sleep?

It really clicked, however, when I came home one day and he asked who was in the picture sitting on his bedside table. He had picked it up as if I hadn't known which one he meant and handed it to me, then pointed to someone. It was his mother but he couldn't seem to recognize her face. I asked if he remembered his father and his friends, even myself.

"Tch, I'm not stupid, I know who you are." He pointed to Sero. "That's tape-face," then Mina. "and That's the pink one." I watched as he figured out several more names, and when he got to Denki, he stopped. He'd stumbled over his words for a moment and stalled before he got it right.

I waited until his sleep meds kicked in that night and I called the doctor. Told me he'd be out in the morning to do a house call on Katsuki.

He never came.

I watched as Katsuki withered away piece by piece and witnessed his faults as he forgot everyone, one by one. It started with his mother, yeah, but it got worse and soon it was Denki, then Iida. He forgot who Uraraka was when I asked if he wanted to go with her and I to the store. His night terrors got even worse with time and the sleep hallucinations seemed to stick around even with all of the meds he was on. Eventually, his arms began to give out. Every doctor I talked to refused to listen, and the ones that did called me stupid, albeit not outright. I had to watch the other half of me deteriorate in that bed, while that ring sitting on my finger mocked me. There was never anything I could have done but damn it if I had more time.

One day, kat and I were sitting in our room, we were watching his favorite movie when he asked me what my name was. I think that was when my heart just shattered. Spilled onto the floor from slippery hands and crashed into a pile of pieces.

He forgot my name first. Then he couldn't seem to remember his own. His arms wouldn't lift more than an inch anymore and the pretty milky skin under his eyes got darker by the day. His eyes seemed to shine a lot less brighter. Basic tasks were becoming a struggle.

It was then that I gave in. Called Midoriya and asked him to come over and see Kat one last time. He'd told me he'd be there in an hour. Ten minutes later, he messaged and said he had plans and that he couldn't come after all. I bought a bouquet of spider lilies that afternoon. Kat had always loved them and I knew I wouldn't have him much longer. When we were in high school once, he took me to this lake out in a really shaded forest, filled with spider lilies and fireflies, bordering on the edge of the sea of trees. Aokigahara, (青木ヶ原), was beautiful, but this feeling loomed over us as we sat in contention.

That feeling's returned now. A while back. He was crying for me and I had rushed to our room. He remembered my name one more time. Asked me to lay with him one more time. I had told him he would be okay, he said he didn't want to die. I told him again and he wrapped his arms around me. Asked if he would see me again in another life.

"I'll find you, and I'll love you just as much in the next life, as I have in this one." That's what I had answered with. And even though he and I both had known it was coming, nothing prepared me for the next morning.

When I woke up, Katsuki was cold in my arms. His skin felt like ice blanketing me. Everything about him seemed off. I shook him one, twice, screamed his name, three times. When he didn't answer, I knew. All I could do was bawl into his sleep shirt and tug him closer as I pressed kisses into his hair. I kept hoping he would hug back, that this was just some sick nightmare and he was really okay.

But the hug never came.

Kat passed away two years ago. The funeral was rough. Masaru kept an arm around me, mom didn't come. I lashed out on Midoriya, told Todoroki about what happened. How he denied seeing Katsuki while he still could. Todoroki-san didn't talk to him the rest of the funeral. I went home with what little of him they gave me from the urn once he was cremated, and an origami swan Inko had given me. I haven't been out since. I started working from home, had groceries delivered to my house. Cancelled all my doctors appointments. Stopped going out with Mina and Uraraka. I let my hair go, long black roots blending with Lilly red dye. Declined phone calls, hangout invitations, hotpot requests. It wasn't worth it anymore.

I set up a funerary shrine in our old room. It now sat on the dresser, shrine, ashes, picture and all. The smell of redwood incense never leaves the house. It was his favorite. Even his cologne had smelled like redwood.

Hopping off the kitchen counter and pouring two cups of tea, I sat at the chair by our dresser, placing Katz's teacup on the side with his photo.

They never found out what killed him. And somehow? I think it killed me too.

Our house is still owned by us. Mina tends to it. She can see us. Well, me, at least. Katsuki didn't stick around like I have. Sero and Denki can't but they believe Mina. I just stay here now.

And if there's one thing he taught me, it's that memory is futile. He loved me even when he didn't know who I was. And for that?

I'll always be grateful.

See you someday Kats, I promise. But for now, I think I'll relive some of our old memories.