Looking Back

8 - Noah

Paige snores when she sleeps. It's not loud lawnmower kind of snores. It's very soft. I never would've guess that about her. Also, when she sleeps, she clasps both her hands together which I found strange. Her short hair very easily falls over her face and she spends most of her sleep brushing hair away from her mouth.

We've been in bed for sixteen hours. I didn't plan on staying here but then I fell asleep. But I'm glad I did. I somehow got more sleep today than this whole week combined.

I try not to think about what Caleb would say if he were to find out I slept with his girlfriend. There's no right way to say that.

I turn back to my side, facing Paige. She looks so peaceful in her sleep compared to the diner. I'm sure I could have handled that conversation better. She doesn't deserve to have thought I hated her all those years. And that the only reason she and I ever became friends was because of Alex. It's not like I can tell her I was madly in love with her.

"You are so incredibly frustrating," I mutter, placing a gentle kiss on her forehead. I should go. It feels wrong for me to focus on my feelings for Paige right now. But I caught a glimpse earlier of just how badly my actions had affected her. I thought I was protecting us both.

I carefully get up from the bed, so as to not wake her. I consider leaving. Caleb doesn't have to know I was here. Paige and I can find another way to get sleep that doesn't involve laying in the same bed. But then I imagine Paige waking up alone, feeling foolish and I let out a sigh, rubbing my hands through my face.

It feels as though I'm pacing around her living room for an eternity before I finally decide to make food, since our earlier attempts at getting food were stalled.

Walking into the kitchen, the time on the oven reads 5:29AM. I decide to make pancakes. It took me about 30 minutes to make us breakfast. I debate whether or not I want to wake her up or let her continue sleeping. As I make my way to her room, I hear her voice. "I'm fine, Caleb."

"Then why didn't you answer me?"

"I was asleep," she replies with a yawn.

"I'm worried about you, Paige. I don't understand why you don't come and move in with me."

He already asked her? I realize I'm eavesdropping on a seemingly serious conversation and turn to go back down the hall. But, as my luck would have it, my feet seem to forget the concept of walking and I start to fall.

Right into Paige's door.

I don't think it would've been as loud as it was if I hadn't grabbed at the door, making it swing back with force against the wall. The doorknob came loose in my hand, adding to the obnoxiously loud sounds that came from me falling.

"Shit," I curse, sitting up. "Sorry."

"What the hell was that?" Caleb demands through the phone. "Is that Noah? Tell him to answer his damn phone. Wait, what time is it over there? Did he stay the night?" With every question he got more agitated.

Paige looks at me with wide eyes. "Babe, hang on," she tells him. "Are you okay? What happened?"

I nod forcefully, more embarrassed than anything. "I made breakfast," I say lamely, getting up and practically running out of her bedroom.

Jesus, Noah.

I should have left earlier when I had the chance.

When Paige emerges from her bedroom a few moments later, I'm holding ice to my hand. I start to apologize. "Did I piss him off?"

She holds an amused look, as though she's trying not to laugh. "Caleb will be fine," she says. She walks up to me and lightly removes the makeshift ice pack from my hand to inspect it. "How's your hand?"

I feel like it's broken. "It feels fine."

She looks at me, her eyes gleaming and I can now tell she's trying not to laugh. "Are you going to fix my door or should I call someone?" By the end of that sentence, she couldn't help but laugh and I want to slam my head against the wall.

Even though it's at my expense, it's nice to see her with a smile on her face. These past few days have been hard. Paige deserves to laugh.

"Why fix the door if you're just going to end up moving?" I say, half-joking but more or less serious. I shouldn't have. It kills the mood. The smile slowly wipes off her face. "Are you?" I ask when she doesn't answer.

She looks away from me and places the ice pack back. "I don't know, Noah. Without Alex it feels like I have nothing here anymore. My boyfriend is across the country, nurses are needed everywhere. I mean, do you think I should stay?"

Selfishly, I want to tell her yes. "It sounds like you already know what you'll end up doing." I grab for plates. "I'll fix the door though, don't worry."

"Just tell me what you mean to say for once," she snaps, taking the plates from my hand and forcing me to look at her. "I've spent most of our friendship trying to figure out what you're trying to say. It's exhausting and it's rude and I'm sick of it."

As unexpected as her outburst was, it was well deserved. I wonder if things would have gone differently had I just told her how I felt all those years ago. Would she have left Caleb? Would Alex have met someone she cared about - someone she wouldn't have cheated on? Would she still be alive today?

Whatever the answers to those questions, I'm tired of wondering. As risky as it seems for me to finally be honest with the girl I once loved, my best friends love, I'm also sick of walking around eggshells. It is exhausting. And I'm done.

"I want you to stay."

Authors Note:

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